The Most Homoerotic Video Game Characters on Your Console

Oh damn, it’s Friday, it’s cold and rainy and after a week of inaugural hijinks, like the rest of the press corpses, we are hungover and tired, tired, tired.

Because we’ll be covering Saturday’s Equality Summit here in California, where we’ll be twittering about gay activists yelling at each other about how racist and incompetent they all think each other are, we’ll not have the opportunity to do the only thing that sounds good right now: watching reruns of Las Vegas (don’t look at me that way) and playing video games. Go ahead and judge if you must, but before you do, check out some of the digital hotties that have turned your XBox, PS3 and Wii totally gay.

hdkyleartKyle Hyde
Hotel Dusk: Room 215

Poor Kyle: Not only is he trapped on the Nintendo DS console, his former (police) partner has gone missing and the only answers are in a creepy Los Angeles hotel filled with annoying puzzles and overly sensitive guests that keep trying to game over his scruffy blond ass. The game is a really a fun gumshoe detective adventure that’s perfect for people like me who have no hand eye-coordination, but a real knack for asking the right questions.


drakes_fortune_drake2
Nathan Drake

Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune , Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Having begun life as Xander to Lara Croft’s Buffy in the Tomb Raider series, Nate Drake’s ventured off onto his own and wound up becoming the more popular character. It’s easy to see why. He’s like Brendan Fraser in The Mummy, but less goofy, mixed with Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones but less, well– old. And how can you not love a guy whose signature catchphrase is, “Aww, crap”?


wallpaper_prince_of_persia_warrior_within_10_1600Prince
Prince of Persia

Always a cutie, the perennially nameless Prince of Persia has gone from twink to hunk in the latest installment of the game, which reboots the franchise. Which is funny, because that’s basically what’s happened to Jake Gyllenhaal, who will play the Prince in the upcoming big screen adaptation. Anyway, he’s hot, he can scale walls and he’s a closet Zoroastriast. Maybe not the best dating material, but who has time for dates when you have video games?


mug_squallSquall Leonhart
Final Fantasy VIII

We could do a whole post on homoerotic video game characters using the Final Fantasy series alone. The current hero of the series, FF XII’s Vaan is so ridiculously gay that you could use him to start forest fires, but when it comes to virtual dreaminess, Squall Leonhart takes the cake. Not only does he carry something called a ‘gunblade’ (that’s two phallic weapons combined into one!), he broods and takes off his shirt constantly. Best of all, he inspires a brand of cosplay that actually doesn’t seem totally cringe-inducing. Take this dude for example:

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All hail our video game future, where straight boys dress up like they’re going to fancy leather bars!