The Most Homoerotic Video Game Characters on Your Console

Oh damn, it’s Friday, it’s cold and rainy and after a week of inaugural hijinks, like the rest of the press corpses, we are hungover and tired, tired, tired.

Because we’ll be covering Saturday’s Equality Summit here in California, where we’ll be twittering about gay activists yelling at each other about how racist and incompetent they all think each other are, we’ll not have the opportunity to do the only thing that sounds good right now: watching reruns of Las Vegas (don’t look at me that way) and playing video games. Go ahead and judge if you must, but before you do, check out some of the digital hotties that have turned your XBox, PS3 and Wii totally gay.

hdkyleartKyle Hyde
Hotel Dusk: Room 215

Poor Kyle: Not only is he trapped on the Nintendo DS console, his former (police) partner has gone missing and the only answers are in a creepy Los Angeles hotel filled with annoying puzzles and overly sensitive guests that keep trying to game over his scruffy blond ass. The game is a really a fun gumshoe detective adventure that’s perfect for people like me who have no hand eye-coordination, but a real knack for asking the right questions.


drakes_fortune_drake2
Nathan Drake

Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune , Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Having begun life as Xander to Lara Croft’s Buffy in the Tomb Raider series, Nate Drake’s ventured off onto his own and wound up becoming the more popular character. It’s easy to see why. He’s like Brendan Fraser in The Mummy, but less goofy, mixed with Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones but less, well– old. And how can you not love a guy whose signature catchphrase is, “Aww, crap”?


wallpaper_prince_of_persia_warrior_within_10_1600Prince
Prince of Persia

Always a cutie, the perennially nameless Prince of Persia has gone from twink to hunk in the latest installment of the game, which reboots the franchise. Which is funny, because that’s basically what’s happened to Jake Gyllenhaal, who will play the Prince in the upcoming big screen adaptation. Anyway, he’s hot, he can scale walls and he’s a closet Zoroastriast. Maybe not the best dating material, but who has time for dates when you have video games?


mug_squallSquall Leonhart
Final Fantasy VIII

We could do a whole post on homoerotic video game characters using the Final Fantasy series alone. The current hero of the series, FF XII’s Vaan is so ridiculously gay that you could use him to start forest fires, but when it comes to virtual dreaminess, Squall Leonhart takes the cake. Not only does he carry something called a ‘gunblade’ (that’s two phallic weapons combined into one!), he broods and takes off his shirt constantly. Best of all, he inspires a brand of cosplay that actually doesn’t seem totally cringe-inducing. Take this dude for example:

squalljacket

All hail our video game future, where straight boys dress up like they’re going to fancy leather bars!

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26 Comments

  • Dubwise

    Drake is HOT. how can we forget the cutey from the force unleashed?!

  • alex the sea turtle

    Uhh I know I don’t read this stuff in detail but which of those was for the WII? Is that the Hotel Dusk for Nintendo DS?

    I just got a WII during the holidays and need ideas one what to purchase for it. Currently I just have WII Sport. Tennis, Golf and Boxing are getting old.

  • P-babe

    You forgot Link from Legend of Zelda. Always a classic, always a hottie, and always in the closet!

    Oh and let us not forget to mention Pitt from Supersmash Brothers.

  • Hrist

    Being a gamer, I’ve just gotta say…

    The character from FFXII is named “Vaan”, not “Vaal”. (Dude, it’s in the filename!)

    @Alex: I recommend Metroid Prime 3, Super Mario Galaxy, and Okami. Good luck!

  • Joe M

    How are these characters “homoerotic”? They’re cute, no question. But I don’t see the homoeroticness here. If I can get all “Princess Bride” on your ass – “I do not think it means what you think it means.” If yer gonna choose homoeroticism in your vid games, start with Marcus Fenix and Dom Santiago and the rest of Delta Squad in “Gears of War”. They in love!

  • AladinSane

    @Dubwise:

    Well, he is Crashdown in the first season of Battlestar Galactica so you don’t even have to imagine him unpixelated….

  • Dubwise

    @AladinSane: he was also in one of the last season’s of smallville.

  • AladinSane

    @Dubwise:
    Did not know that. Now if only I watched Smallville…
    :>

  • Mick

    And what about this guy Duke Nuke

  • SBK

    Wait, you said you could do a whole post about Final Fantasy characters. CAN you do a whole post! I’ve been a Final Fantasy fan since America’s III (VI in Japan) and I’d totally love to get all geeked-out gay nostalgic to that post!

  • Nick

    This is more a post on hot guys than homoeroticism. But in that case you forgot Chris Redfield from the upcoming Resident Evil 5.

  • Carsen Tyler

    @alex the sea turtle:

    Wii Fit is fun, but can kill you self esteem. And all the Rayman Rabbid games are fun, and you can play the newest one with your ass, which is hilarious. Cooking Mama is fun too, basically you do cooking and you can play versus. The Medal of Honor games are fun too, because it is a shoot and dodge game. The Harry Potter games are fun too, because you use the Wiimote like it is a wand. Mario Party is good, but it is frustrating how long you play the board game to get to the mini games.

  • Darth Paul

    @Joe M: “Hero” (does s/he have a name?) on the Fables is as homoerotic you can get considering that you can opt to have only gay sex. Plus s/he’s VERY expressive and fit…those gay stereotypes fit.

  • RainbowPhoenix

    You’re doing a list of homoerotic male video game characters, and you left out Joachim from “Shadow Hearts: Covenant”? What were you thinking?

  • Distingué Traces

    @Distingué Traces:

    Oh…I hadn’t actually watched that video before posting it (just heard about it) and having now watched it, it’s a lot more homophobic than homoerotic.

  • Carsen T.

    Oh and who can forget Kingdom Hearts, that is at least a little bit homoerotic with a touch of disney. I mean Sora and Riku in Kingdom Hearts 2 were totally all over each other. Also the fandom has hot teenaged boys totally making out with each other for either more money or girl’s and boy’s numbers at the Cons. But then again a lot about the anime fandom, can lead to homoerotic situations. Like Yaoi-con were they auction off hot boys and drag kings in the name of charity.

  • Shark

    I’m with Joe M. Squall aside, the rest of these guys just seem straight as an arrow to me.

    If you really want homoerotic, then there’s Army of Two and Gears of Wars; Raiden and Vamp; Kingdom Hearts and Shadow HEarts have already been pointed out…Saints Row has you really protective over Carlos, in Mass Effect you can have lots of intense staring with Kaiden, Dante and Vergil (and a bit of Nero) from DMC (confounds me you don’t have them here), SF’s Ryu and Ken, KOF’s Iori and Kyo, the two sisters from Fatal Frame 2 are creepily close, Wesker seems to enjoy getting his hands on Chris Redfield (who is currently wearing the tightest shirt known to man) as often as he can, Leon and Luis from RE4 have been the object of many a fanfic, let’s just throw in Steve Burnside and Carlos Oliviera in there (tentacle rape all the way?) and, huh, can’t think of anymore. Anyone else got a list?

  • Rigato

    Um where the hell is Kaim from Lost Odyssey?! Talk about a man! Rawr

  • anyankafan

    Please Drake has nothing to do with Tomb Raider. That wannabe has nothing on Lara Croft, regardless of his penis (which to some makes him more attractive but to me makes him more bland. chicks with guns rule)
    He is in no assosciated with the franchise, and is no way more popular than Lara. In the slightest.

    On a more ontopic note, most of these guys are pretty meh. There are plenty of sexier video game heroes out there.
    Dante anyone? Little Devil May Cry?

  • Alco

    For me it would definitely be Kaidan Alenko from Mass Effect. He’s just a secondary character but I played a female just to be able to flirt and eventually have sex with him.
    Another hottie is Frank West from Dead Rising, hmmmm…

  • Tallskin

    All the Final Fantasy games from 7 onwards are very homoerotic.

    I think it was FF 8 where the teenage hero and his best “friend’ become enemies and the ex-friend captures the boy and hangs him in chains and tortures him!

    Phew!

  • Gaz

    Good list but I have to say the HOTTEST male character of all is Chris Redfield on Resident Evil 5…I mean seriously wow.

  • Fitz

    MAXIMO. Cute, stupid, powerful…. makes nice little noises when hits things…

Comments are closed.