The Not-So-Explicit Deflowering of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson on Last Night’s Glee

Yes, Glee’s beloved gay couple Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson apparently had sex last night in the episode called “The First Time”—and somehow the world didn’t end.

We say “apparently” because we can’t in good faith swear to you that the deed was done.

The actors told us to prepare for a very palatable virginity loss, so we couldn’t help but hope that Ryan Murphy and Co. might throw us a bone, if you will. But what we got was milder than warm milk.

When we saw the TV 14 DLS rating at the start of the episode, we imagined all sorts of dirty things the letters could have been warning us about, until we put on our glasses to discover it only meant “suggestive dialogue, language and sexual situations.”

Not even a minute into the episode Kevin McHale’s character, Artie, is rolling down the hallway in his wheelchair, sharing an internal monologue with us that includes a mention of being “trapped inside a woman’s body like Chaz Bono.”

You can almost feel the temperature climb as conservatives’ blood begins to boil.

Artie then basically pressures Rachel and Blaine to get their respective freaks on so they can convincingly communicate sensuality when they sing in the school’s musical.

When we first see Kurt in this episode, he’s asking Blaine if he finds him sexually boring and if he ever feels the urge to act on impure impulses. “That’s why they invented masturbation,” the boyfriend says back to him.

And just like that, we feel the temperature rise another notch.

Next, Artie discovers Coach Beiste is also a virgin and asks if it’s because she’s never “found the right person.” Beiste quickly rejects McHale’s gentle insinuation that she may have a mild case of  beaver fever.

Transgender celebs, gays talking about sexing, mentions of masturbation and insinuations of lesbianism all within the first seven minutes? It’s as if Glee’s writers are trying to make the members of the Parents Television Council burst into flames with this episode.

Then the Warblers, Blaine’s old fairly flamboyant a cappella group, pops up to sing “Uptown Girl” in matching jackets and ties, as if it would balance things out with a classic ode to heterosexual attraction. After the performance Blaine meets Sebastian, a new member of the group who seems determined to make a bold play for Kurt’s man.

Blaine and Kurt reunite in the hallway a bit later to talk about being adventurous, and Kurt reveals that he once wanted to “have relations on a dewy meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat.”

Cheers to that, girlfriend. Cheers to that.

The plot thickens when Sebastian throws himself hard at Blaine—only to be interrupted by Kurt, who walks up in the middle of the not-so-subtle offering. So the Warbler’s new resident manwhore invites both the boys out to a gay bar (on a school night?!?)

At the club, where it’s Drag Queen Wednesday, Sebastian hands Blaine a beer and gives Kurt a Shirley Temple. (Oh no that bitch didn’t!) Nursing his non-alcoholic bevvy, Kurt runs into, of all people, his former tormenter Karofsky. As Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Leave Me This Way” plays in the background, Karofsky explains he feels accepted there and has embraced his bear nature. It’s an apology of sorts—we just worry that a 17-year-old who only feels accepted at a bar might be headed for some alcohol-dependency issues.

Later, a buzzed-on-one-beer Blaine pulls Kurt into the back of the car, begging him: “Let’s do it.” Kurt, precious thing that he is, declines the invite and Blaine storms off.

After the commercial, the kids perform West Side Story, with Rachel as Maria, Blaine as Tony and a rousing rendition of  “America” with accents that are only slightly offensive. Kurt and Blaine reconcile after the musical, smooch and then head back to Blaine’s house. But before they can sweetly sodomize each other, we return to Finn and Rachel, so Ryan Murphy can set it up as if the two couples are consummating their love for the first time at the same time—but not in a creepy or conspiratorial teenage-pregnancy pact sort of way.

Rachel and Finn get under the sheets in their clothes and in their parallel scene, Kurt and Blaine are seen exchanging Eskimo kisses on a bed, fully clothed. Hands touch, Kurt smiles, a hand strokes Blaine’s chin. Blaine smiles at Kurt, Rachel smiles at Finn.

And… that’s it?

No drawing of straws to determine who would be the bottom? (Though we’re fairly certain it’s Blaine who would be doing the pinning of the tail on Kurt’s donkey.) No discussion of safety words or proper lubrication? (It would’ve been beyond our wildest dreams to imagine the cameras zooming in on a half-gallon bottle of Wet Platinum Premium as Blaine reassures Kurt, “it doesn’t have to hurt, babe.”)

Instead, we’re supposed to accept that the boys have ditched their purity rings based on tasteful shots of interlocking hands and smiling faces.

Yes the straight and sex scenes were equally chaste, but we’re a tad disappointed. It’s not like we needed to see Blaine pressing his pecs against Kurt’s back or Kurt biting the pillow—but, whatever it was we witnessed, it was way more tepid than what’s shown on most other prime-time shows centered around high-school kids. Flip over to 90210 or Gossip Girl if you don’t believe us.

Regardless, bravo to Glee’s writers for not letting Kurt languish as a de-sexualized, impotent twink for yet another season. Since our DVR cut off early (our DVR is generally homophobic and lazy) we missed most of the preview for next week’s episode.

We’re hoping Kurt and Blaine invite Karofsky over for a threesome.