The Power Issue: To Kenneth Blackwell

To kick off The Power Issue, we turn the floor over to homo-journo, Mickey Weems. You may recall that we’ve featured Weems most recently for his imaginative take on Hell House.

Now, Weems offers us an open letter he wrote to Ohio Secretary of State, John Kenneth Blackwell (pictured).

As you may recall, the Buckeye State served as one of the most important arenas of political strife back in 2004, when 350,000 votes were refused by shady pollsters. Many contend that those discarded votes decided the fierce electoral war between John Kerry and President Bush.

Beyond the close margin of victory, a number of lawsuits brought the state national media attention. So, where does Blackwell fit into all of this? Well, while sitting as Secretary of State, the conservative Blackwell had the dubious honor in 2004 of serving as Chief Elections official of Ohio and honorary co-chair of the “Committee to re-elect George W. Bush.” Needless to say, there’s a bit of a conflict of interest in holding both seats. Not surprisingly, all allegations of voter fraud were either ignored or dismissed. (For more background, check out this New Yorker article.)

Now, Secretary of State Blackwell’s battling it out with Ted Strickland in Ohio’s gubernatorial race. Though every single survey taken puts Strickland ahead of Blackwell (most recently by 36 points), more than a few questions have been raised on how much Blackwell’s position as Secretarty of State may “influence” the votes.

In celebration of the election – and with scathingly hilarious wit – homo-journo Weems shares his letter to Blackwell: a letter to which Blackwell never responded

Perhaps Blackwell was too busy perverting democracy or, as Weems contends, too caught up emulating Katherine Harris, Florida’s former Secretary of State. It was Harris’ ruling, after all, that played a big role in President Bush’s ascension to power, thus ushering in one of the most disastrous political eras of our time.

An Open Letter to the Honorable J. Kenneth Blackwell, Ohio Secretary of State

Dear Ms. Blackwell,

I have seen a lot of female impersonators in my life. But never have I witnessed anyone like you! Your transformation into Katherine Harris is so convincing, it’s scary. I’m not sure if you are a man, or even if you’re Black.

No doubt Katherine inspired you when she stood proud as Secretary of State in Florida and awarded Florida’s disputed electoral votes to Bush in the presidential election in 2000. You did the same thing in Ohio in 2004.

When asked if you were the “Katherine Harris of 2004,” you Swift-Boatedly answered, “Last time I checked, I was very comfortable in my masculinity and I’m not looking for a sex change.”

Honey, you don’t need a sex change! Politically speaking, her skirt fits you perfectly. Your bouffant is to die for, your nails are works of art, and – judging by the way you brilliantly dodged both an NFL draft and US military service – I’d swear you have no balls. You proved yourself a true sissy in the 1960s when you appeared in Black Power drag, sporting a 12-inch Afro and a dashiki in college, but didn’t have the guts to march against the Vietnam War. Neither did you put your dainty butt on the line and fight overseas for your country.

Like Katherine Harris, you allegedly allowed the disenfranchisement of Black folk during a presidential election. She earned the title of “Purge Princess” when accused of dumping thousands of wrong-headed registered voters, but I don’t think the title suits you at all. Katherine was skinny as a rail in 2000, and from your latest pictures, I’m pretty sure you’ve never purged in your life! In fact, you could be the “Pudge Princess.” Just kidding! That extra weight looks good on you, seriously.

Anyway, you will always be a princess in my eyes.

If people doubt you are ivory under that beautiful ebony skin, tell them to check the last Republican primary for governor. Cincinnati, which is internationally famous for its racism, gave you a nice margin of victory over the other White candidate, Jim Petro. Crackers prefer a thick delicious Oreo to a plain ‘Nilla Wafer. For those who call you an “Uncle Tom”, do like Cheney and tell ‘em to fuck themselves! You are much more like Aunt Jemima. Well, if she were a rich White woman with an unruly Bush.

Actually, you are what Katherine Harris could be if Katherine Harris were smart. She left the office of Secretary of State before she got what she really wanted. Now, she is running for Senate while accusations of slander, illegal campaign contributions, and mistreatment of her staff are buzzing around her like Everglades mosquitoes. But she no longer has the power to make sure the election results are in her favor.

Not like you, Ms. B! You are still the Secretary of State, no matter how low your reputation sinks. Good for you for not recusing yourself! Charges of corruption mean nothing when you control the ballot box. And with all those Diebold paper-trail-less voting machines you installed, who cares if Democrat Ted Strickland has a substantial lead in the polls? I predict that you will be the best governor that money can buy.

But be careful, darling. Pay attention to what is happening to your icon. You also said, “The last time I checked, Katherine Harris wasn’t in a soup line, she’s in Congress.” But she might be in a soup line in the very near future. Last time I checked, Jeb Bush and Karl Rove aren’t helping Harris in her bid for the Senate. Seedy bastards wouldn’t know loyalty if it shot them in the face and chest.

I know you’re a fierce White woman at heart. But others are still fooled by appearances. Ask any hooker in DC: just because you put out for those boys in the past doesn’t mean that they will ever respect you. Don’t trust any of those honky turncoats, including the “Rebel in Chief.” Remember which side the Rebels were on during the Civil War.

Worse comes to worse, you could always become a Democrat like you were in the past. Or return to Catholicism a second time. Or once again pose as a pseudo-liberal (but don’t grow back the Afro until you’ve slimmed down). Or work on an egg farm. Or reassert your dubious manhood by gay bashing–you’ve had plenty of practice.

On the other hand, if you need the gay vote, wrestle a bear on television again. But this time, a muscle bear. And bring your harness and chaps, girl!

Much love and even more kisses,
Mickey Weems