The Seven States of Sodom

As we reported yesterday, Nancy Robertson of Arden, North Carolina wrote a letter to the editor of the Asheville Citizen Times, which said, in part:

“I am a transplant from Jackson, Miss., who is astounded by how many homosexuals have “infested” this beautiful city. I just don’t know what the general population should do. Perhaps the solution would be to set aside a specific state of the union for them to inhabit – perhaps we should set up a new name for Connecticut and call it “ Sodom” or “Gomorrah.”

Sorry, Nancy, but we’re not moving to Connecticut, New York’s armpit, anytime soon. But we dig your proposal that the gays go off and form their own separate homeland and have come up with some suggestions about which states we should consider conquering with our merciless drag queen hordes.

Rhode Island
Pros: Little Rhodey has a lot going for it. It’s small and thus easily defensible. David N. Cicilline, the mayor of Providence, is openly gay and will probably run for Governor next year. Lots of opportunities for guys who like to dress like sailors.

Cons: Sure, getting used to coffee milk and Dell’s Frozen lemonade would take some getting used to, but imagine all the drag queens running around Newport’s Breakers Mansion doing their best imitation of Glenn Close as doomed insulin-loving heiress Sonny Von Bulow in the classic, Reversal of Fortune.

Pros: Baltimore is the hometown of John Waters, who we could elect as our king.

Cons: Based on Waters’ Desperate Living, his style of ruling would entail having us all live in shacks, sit on each others faces and refer to Waters as “The Queen of Filth.” It’s true that this could also be seen as a “pro” by some.

Pros: Mormons never wanted to be part of the U.S. (Google “Deseret” sometime) and they’d probably be allies with gays so long as allowed to make their own tweaks to marriage definitions as well. Natural wonders have pockets of trendy boutiques to satisfy shopping urges, satisfying both overachieving athletic gays and antiquing gays.

Cons: The Great Salt Lake will never be a beach destination. Also, Mormons.

Pros: Branson, Missouri features Soji Tabuchi, the Japanese fiddler, Yakov Smirnov, the Russian comic and more theater seats than Broadway. William S. Burroughs was born in St. Louis and his home is a pilgrimage site for too-smart-for-their-own-good homo hipsters.

Cons: Only slightly less homophobic than neighboring Oklahoma.

Pros: The most obvious thing to do is to separate the state in two, giving the gays their historical homelands of San Francisco, L.A., Palm Springs and San Diego and allow the remaining heterosexuals to make do out in the deserts and Central Valley.

Cons: For some reason, we think dividing the state in two and forcing one group into economic desperation is a recipe for trouble.

Pros: Plenty of culture in Apsen and Denver is the best kept secret in the U.S. The city is beautiful, it’s progressive, there’s a great gay scene (any bar that has techno on one side and lesbians line dancing on the other is okay by us) and lots of hot cowboy-stock guys.

Cons: Colorado Springs.

North Carolina
Pros: Offers both the mountains and the beach. Genteel southern living abounds and you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Southern gay pride parade.

Cons: Is infested with Nancy Robertson of Arden, North Carolina.