Think gay men and women who want to marry their partners, but can’t, have it bad? What about the straight men and women we’ve roped into marrying us so we can be “normal” and play house?
There’s a whole class of victims in the arena of gay marriage bans that haven’t been getting their due: the straight spouses who unknowingly wed a gay. You see, because we’re a country that discriminates against homos, same-sex loving Americans who want picket fences and 2.5 kids are practically forced into marrying someone of the opposite sex!
And wouldn’t you know it, there’s an entire support group for duped hetero spouses. New Jersey-based Straight Spouse Network has more than 50 chapters across the country to help straight husbands and wives cope with learning they married a homo. But rather than be spurned by our deception (and the knowledge we probably hated having sex with them), some of these breeder folks are turning into our allies — and attacking the same marriage discrimination laws we’ve been going after.
That’s because they’re “the unacknowledged victims of the victims of homophobia,” according to SSN’s Amity Pierce. (It’s unclear whether Jim McGreevey’s ex-wife has sought Pierce’s counsel.) This group sees anti-gay marriage laws as the reason gays feel forced to marry straights; if only they could get joint tax returns and shared health benefits in a gay marriage, they wouldn’t have to trick America’s heterosexuals into fake marriages.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
But don’t get too overjoyed thinking the hetero members of “mixed-orientation” marriages suddenly want to be our BFFs: Plenty of them voted for Prop 8 just to spite you.
marcnaz
“Tricked into marrying” is an attention grabbing headline but it perpetuates a myth that is not a true reflection of the pain and experiences of many GLBT people, their former spouses and their children.
It is correct to point to our culture’s homophobia as the root cause, but in many cases it is the GLBT person’s own internalized homophobia and attendant denial of their true being which causes them to believe they can and should seek a “normal” heterosexual relationship.
Lloyd Baltazar
HAHA. That last line was HILARIOUS. “Plenty of them voted for Prop 8 just to spite you” —SO TRUE!!!!
Somehow, in some weird way, I find that statement to be quite true… and I don’t blame them for that either. I know Prop 8 is wrong, but to have been tricked into marrying a homosexual when you wanted a heterosexual relationship is a pretty disgraceful experience.
John K.
@Lloyd Baltazar: And in doing so, they just spite themselves. Unfortunately, as one of my professors once said, democracy might not be perfect all of the time, but we certainly get what we deserve.
schlukitz
@Lloyd Baltazar:
Plenty of them voted for Prop 8 just to spite you.
You beat me to the punch, Lloyd. Apparently, that comment stuck out as big as a sore thumb for you as it did for me.
I couldn’t help think to myself how many straight people who married gays unwittingly, are now in the space of hating gays even more because of what they believe (and rightfully so) was the deception played upon them.
It is unfortunate that such horrible laws as now stand, made “victims” of both sides of such sad marriages, often in which the children suffer the brunt of the hurt since they have to choose between mommy or daddy when the inevitable break-up occurs.
In an ideal world, gay men and women would not be forced into making such agonizing choices. Everyone could marry the person of their choice, opposite-sex or same-sex, and enjoy happy prosperous, life-long committments to each other. One has to wonder just how many of these “sham-marriages” make up the some 50% divorce rate this country now enjoys.
It’s just possible that changing the laws to allow same-sex marriage might, indeed, have a very dramatic impact on “traditional” marriage.
It could result in less divorces. And that is not a bad thing.
schlukitz
As a matter of fact, I forgot to mention that this is precisely what happened in Massachusetts.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/divorce-rate-in-gay-marri_b_267259.html
Ky
Wow.
I can’t tell if you are for against same-sex marriages. The words you have chosen to describe these unfortunate situations are just irresponsible. As a writer, you should know that words carry weight and therefore, can sway some people in many directions.
That you would use the words “trick” is just minimizing the pain that those closet-homosexuals must have felt. Maybe that’s what you did but speak for yourself if that is the case. Maybe they *wanted* so badly to be straight. It wasn’t as if they were tricking their spouses, they themselves believed they could be straight. Of course, there are the exceptions but to lump the sincere people with the dishonest is just lazy and unfair.
I wonder what a fundamentalist who is against same-sex marriage would think when reading this “article.” It sure sounds like you believe those people were purposefully malicious. I respectfully disagree.
Ms Duped
Schlukitz, you said: “I couldn’t help think to myself how many straight people who married gays unwittingly, are now in the space of hating gays even more because of what they believe (and rightfully so) was the deception played upon them.”
As a ranking member (30 years married before my ex-husband came out) of the straight spouse clan, I actually don’t know anyone in my position who has wound up hating gays in general. In fact, some of my most supportive friends are gays and lesbians who have been horrified by what my ex did and how he handled coming out. (Not well, let me tell you!)
This isn’t an issue of sexual orientation nearly as much as it is an issue of individual character. And very often, as Marcnaz said, a result of the GLBT person’s own deep homophobia and consequent self-hatred.
It’s tragic all around. Here’s hoping the “Massachusetts effect” helps light the way.
schlukitz
@Ms Duped:
Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us, Ms Duped. I am sorry that you had to be one of the straight married partners to whom this happened. It must have been very painful for the both of you.
I fully agree with you. It would be foolish and unfair to assume that every gay person who married a straight partner had malicious intent or that their straight spouse would wind up hating them for it when they finally did come out. I sincerely hope that was not the impression I gave.
Each instance of this happening is a different situation with different circumstances and as you so rightly said, it is an issue of individual character.
I join you in saying here’s to enlightenment.
JoeB
The last line of this ‘article’ is such a sarcastic, pessimistic swipe. There’s no basis in fact for this statement after you spend paragraphs regurgitating the SF Chronicle article which is overwhelmingly about how this unlikely group of people supports gay marriage.
thomasAlex
Blame society for this mishap, not the GLBT Community. Society is the one trying to push homosexuality as a lifestyle that is chosen. Convincing the week minded that you can change and live a “normal” heterosexual lifestyle. In the end, both the spouses were duped into marriage.
schlukitz
@thomasAlex:
BINGO!
Kev
Don’t blame society. I’m a straight spouse. My ex wife claims that she simply didnt know she was gay when we married. I believe her. There was no reason for her to hide behind me, as her mother is openly gay, and civil partnerships are now common here.
One of the worst things I have experienced is MY OWN homophobia, (I have had gay friends all my life, and feeling like this now is NOT pleasant). In desperation I turned to the GLBT community (Stonewall) for help. They were useless. So were PFLAG. Both should have referred me to SSN. When I finally found them The straight spouse network were able to reassure me that the feelings that I was having were a normal and usually temporary reaction. They have been a great help. I’m afraid that I will never get back to the open minded person I once was, but the fact that I’m able to post here is a pretty good indication of how far I have come thanks to their support.
If Homophobia is an LGBT issue, then the LGBT community should support SSN and refer straight partners to them as part of the support you offer to gay partners who are coming out.
Linda
I was in a 25 year marriage that appeared to everyone to be as near the ideal as it could get. Unfortunately for me, the seeds of homosexual identity had been there all along. My spouse made every attempt to do the heterosexual marriage route well. It was what his family had want and expected. It was what his church wanted and expected. He was a first born in an aspiring to the “American Dream” family. He was never encouraged to get in touch with his own feelings and follow his own star. He was supposed to follow the “right” path. The only good think that I can look back on is that the first person he turned to for advice was a college friend of his who he had had no contact with since mid way through college but the friend had come out of the closet 20 years earlier. This man told him the first thing he had to do was tell me. No games, no more deceit, and get on the roller coaster and ride it till the end. I am thankful my xgs (ex-gay spouse) was strong enough to do that. However, the ripple effects of this issue for me and our children will be live long. Make no mistake about it, we can not get support from people who have never lived this experience as it is unimaginable to them.
I believe my life, the life of my children, and my xgs’s life would have been immeasurably better if my xgs, my children’s father, had been nurtured and educated in a way which encouraged honesty of feelings, and allowed for the development of a self that was respectful of individual differences. He would have had the option of seeking a person of similar feelings, beliefs, and future goals. And, if he, as some of the younger homosexual couples I see today, may have contributed to the care and nurturance of the next generation in a highly positive and successful manner.
I have never known dishonest to self or others to lead to a good outcome. Honesty and hard work have always lead to better outcomes in my view of the world.
schlukitz
@Linda:
Thank you for a very concise and thoughtful post and sharing your personal views and feelings with the gay community.
While we could never possibly know the extent of your hurt and the suffering you and your children endured as a result of this unfortunate occurrence, please do know that you have the support of people like myself and many others on these threads who can identify with the feelings of estrangement and alienation through similar occurrences in our own lives.
I agree fully with you about honesty and hard work leading to better outcomes and I am happy to see that you are looking at this situtation in a positive manner and recognizing it as an an opportunity for human growth.
Again, thank you for sharing and good luck to you in your search for personal happiness. Our thoughts go with you.
cmsvmom
I am a straight spouse who has been divorced for ten years. My ex never admitted being gay, but I know what I know. Here in Florida last year, I voted against the prop 8 type amendment that disallowed gay marriage. I just have one question about where my advocacy leads:
If it is not ok to call gay people names like fag and queer and homo, why is it ok for you to refer to us as breeders and beards? We’re husbands and wives, men and women. OK, ex husbands and wives. OK, maybe some gay and straight people might refer to their exes as spawn of hell. But breeders and beards? It really denigrates women, the mothers of your children, and says that we have little place in the rainbow family. We’re supposed to march along for equality and then step aside so you can sneer at us.
Seriously, if you all didn’t denigrate straight spouses in this hateful way, it would be one less negative for the prop 8 people to pick up on and use to fan the flames of hatred.
schlukitz
Seriously, if you all didn’t denigrate straight spouses in this hateful way, it would be one less negative for the prop 8 people to pick up on and use to fan the flames of hatred.
Sorry, but I think that you are getting the cart before the horse.
We didn’t vote to take your rights and the rights of straights away in a travesty of justice called Prop. 8.
Y’all did that, while calling us fag, queer and homo, all of which is hateful.
Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.
cmsvmom
Two wrongs don’t make a right. And many straight spouses didn’t start the hate speech – but some bought into it after having hatred directed at them by their husband and his friends.
You cannot have it both ways and call it equality.
schlukitz
Oh pleeze! Spare me of the clichés and the self-righteous moral indignation! You sound just like one of those people who are not happy, unless they can find something to be unhappy about.
Tossing the first stone, as the Mormons and RC Catholics did in California, does not make it right either. If straight people like you weren’t so focused on stripping LGBT people of their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, then perhaps we’d have no reason to call obviously bigoted and homophobic people like you breeders and beards. If you are gonna play the game, then you’ve earned the name.
And what would you know about equality? Did anyone in the GLBT community vote any of your civil-rights away? You want LGBT people to show respect to folks like you, while you show not a shred of remorse or respect to us. Sorry…it is YOU who cannot have it both ways.
Grow up. Nobody took anything away from you. So, why are you acting like the injured party and a straight cry-baby to boot?
When someone votes against your right to be with your family, as is the case with me and some 36,000 other bi-national, same-sex couples, then you will have earned the right to belly-ache.
In the meantime, if you can’t say or do anything to help right the wrongs that exist in our society, our fucked-up Immigration system and a government that creates so much misery for untold millions of LGBT taxpaying citizens, then STFD and STFU.
All you are doing is rocking the boat!