End Times

The world will end May 21. You should be proud of yourself.

If you have any bills due on May 22, you may not have to worry. According to Harold Camping, head of a Christian radio network based in Oakland, CA, Judgment Day will arrive exactly May 21. And guess what one of the big clues is for this impending apocalypse? Yep, it’s gay marriage, gay pride and gay…well, gay anything. Gay, gay, gay!

Camping told the SF Weekly that “God has given us an enormous amount of proof, like the gay pride movement and the extraordinary amount of wickedness in the world.” (We often get the two confused ourselves.) He uses an elaborate mathematical formula to arrive at the conclusion that  Noah’s flood happened exactly 7,000 years ago, which is the timeline laid out in the Bible for the end of the world. It’s just that no one knew about the timeline before 1988.

Or, for that matter, that no one outside of Camping and a small band of true believers recognizes that timeline. Some of those believers plan on spending all their money by the 21st since they won’t need it after that. (Don’t come looking to us for a handout afterwards.)

If you have plans on May 21, finish them up before 6 p.m., because in each time zone at that local time a massive earthquake will trigger enormous destruction–apparently even in places where geography makes earthquakes nonexistent! In the midst of the destruction will come the Rapture, in which believers will be bodily snatched up to heaven. Camping admits that the end of the world is not all fun and games, even for believers.

“It’s a mixed bag,” he says.

Those of us who remain will have no hope of salvation, although the planet will apparently be a lot gayer, at least for a short while. After 153 days, the universe and all its nonbelievers will be destroyed. On the bright side, in the intervening period, rents should fall because of the high vacancy rate.

And if May 21 comes and goes without any Rapture? Well, it wouldn’t be the first time Camping got his dates wrong. He originally predicted the end of the world would come in September 1994. Apparently he confused it with the premiere of Touched by an Angel.