The Year’s Craziest, Most Unbelievable News Stories About Penises (So Far)

Penises are fascinating things. They’re functional. They’re pleasurable. And they have to power to make people behave in uncouth ways.

So far, 2014 has been a banner year for bizarre penis stories. The most recent one involves an Alabama man who checked into a local hospital for a routine circumcision and woke up without his penis.

The man is now suing the Princeton Baptist Medical Center in Birmingham for amputating his dick, claiming he’s suffered extended pain and suffering, as well as additional time and money in the hospital for recovery. His wife is claiming loss of consortium.

We hope the couple makes out like bandits after the nightmare they’ve been through.

Check out these other bizarre news stories involving penises from the past few months…


The man who lodged a jump rope up his schlong

In April, a Chinese man checked into the emergency room after getting a jumprope stuck inside his urethra. The man claimed to have inserted the jump rope for “sexual pleasure,” but in the process, it became knotted and lodged in his bladder. It had to be removed by a urologist coincidentally named Dr. Dong, who called the man’s masturbatory stunt “ridiculous.”


The man with the “monster penis”

Billy-Tom O’Connor went on British television to talk about his penoplasty, the practice of having one’s penis surgically enlarged. O’Conner already underwent one surgery, but he told ITV’s This Morning that he hoped to have a second operation to make his 10-inch wiener the girth of a hairspray bottle. “I always had a big one and I wanted an absolute monster,” he said. “I wanted a monster so I got one.”


The man who ordered a “penis enlarger” and got a magnifying glass instead

Let’s not forgot the Malaysian man who paid over $160 for an advertised “penis enlarger”  he found online and received a $10 magnifying glass instead. The poor guy was reportedly so mortified that he filed an official complaint with the Malaysian customer complaints bureau in June. Speaking to The Sun, chairman Seri Michael Chong said “as you can imagine, [he] is feeling rather disgruntled.”


The $100K penis enlargement surgery

Speaking of small peepees, earlier this month a man named “Mike”, who claims his penis is only 4cm when flaccid and 7cm when erect, told reporters he was mortgaging his home to cover the cost of a potential $100K penis enlargement surgery. “I’d happily be less intelligent, lose a few IQ points and have a bigger penis,” he said.


The penis-shaped ice cream treats that “pop” in the mouth

In March, the fruity-flavored X-Pop hit Swedish grocery store shelves. The phallic-looking popsicles claimed to offer a sweet sherbet center that “popped” when bitten into. Costumers, naturally, had a lot to say about the product. “They have made an ice-cream dildo!” one person wrote on Facebook. GB Glace, makers of the X-Pop, claimed they had no idea why people were freaking out. It was just a popsicle.


Two men, one international penis museum

Earlier this year, two men from different parts of the world battled it out for the privilege of having one of their penises become the first human dong ever on display in a museum. One of the men said he would donate his member posthumously, while the other  decided to remove his while he was still alive so he could relish in the honor before he’s gone. And the best part is, there’s a whole documentary about itVariety put it best: “You can’t make this stuff up.”

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  • LAguy323

    My banana doesn’t look like the surgically altered one in your photo. It still has the skin it was born with.

  • Billy Budd

    I agree. Bananas shouldn’t be peeled cirurgically.

  • Billy Budd

    surgically I mean.

  • Dxley

    Anybody can do whatever they fucking want with their penis. Deal with it!

  • Ben Dover

    Yahoo! just had a story on the trendiness of “panisses” – which I’d never heard of since I’ve never been to France, but they turn out to be penis-sized spears of fried chickpea batter. I think I would like them.

  • Ben Dover

    @Dxley: Except you can’t do whatever you want with yours because nobody wants it.


  • Dxley

    @Ben Dover: I guess I’m supposed to feel hurt by that, right?

  • morbidmirror

    100 k for a new penis? Wow, I suddenly feel richer than I thought. Were can i cash mine in?

  • queertyrone

    “Costumers, naturally, had a lot to say about the product.” hmmm, really? and why does the writer assume that costumers, in particular, would show more interest in a phallic-shaped popsicle than members of any other profession? say, proofreaders or copy editors, for example. frankly, I cry, “fowl”! err, I mean, “foul”!

    as a lifetime member of IATSE’s Motion Picture Costumers Local 705 (the labor union supplying movie studios, studio costume departments, costume rental houses and made-to-order costume houses), I can assure you, sweet center or not, ice cream products are the LAST thing we would encourage in the work room. let alone those that could potentially drip, ooze or, dare I say, pop!

  • georgemed222

    Always fascinating penis stories to be had. One consistent everyday story: lots of guys don’t take the time to keep the tool in good health. Regularly using a first rate health cream (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil) to address everyday penis issues like dry/flaky skin, redness, unwanted odor, etc.

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