There’s A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Serve Semen Cupcakes

This is probably not the best way to deal with bullying: a 10th grader in rural Bakersfield, CA is said to have served semen-filled cupcakes to her tormentors.

As horribly salacious as this story is, we are a little skeptical.

Question one: Where did she get all the semen? Was it human, meaning she had a male accomplice? Or did she just buy a vat of animal semen online?

Question two: How did she orchestrate a cupcake delivery to her bullies? Weren’t they just the slightest bit suspicious that she just showed up one day with baked goods for the people who were making her miserable?

How about we take this to the next level?

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This whole scheme seems just a little far-fetched.

And then there’s this: Bakersfield police say that there was no bodily fluid involved, though they were unable to perform a thorough test because the cupcakes were destroyed. According to the cops, they just contained gross ingredients like barbecue sauce and mayonnaise. The source of the semen rumor was just one girl at the school, so the whole thing might just be some Mean Girls bullshit. Just the same, consequences of this incident are far-reaching as students told a local news station that a food day in a French class was canceled due to this ordeal.

But if you do want to make and serve some semen cupcakes, there’s no need to be all secretive and weird about it like a high school girl. Just follow a recipe in Natural Harvest, a cookbook of semen recipes. Or try mixing a cocktail or two. As the book points out, “Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.”

It’s also an easy ingredient to work with, and versatile! For example, to make frosting: In large bowl, beat confectioners’ sugar, 1/2 cup butter, 2 tablespoons lemon juice and 1 teaspoon semen until smooth. Beat in milk, and increase speed and continue to beat until light and sticky.