In a new thread titled My Christian husband of one-and-a-half months just told me he is gay. I don’t know what to do, a distraught wife shares he tale of woe with the entire Internet.
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“On Wednesday, after much pushing from me, my husband confessed that halfway through our dating relationship, he met with twice and ‘only kissed’ a man that slipped him his number in the bathroom of a movie theater while we were on a date,” the woman begins.
Learning this information, the woman says, left her “devastated, but willing to work through the infidelity because I love him and want to honor our vows.”
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Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t feel the same way.
“He told me that he wants out,” she writes. “He wants a divorce and wants to ‘leave to explore and discover’ himself. According to him, his grandfather’s death triggered an ‘I only have one life’ reaction and he doesn’t want to continue ‘living a lie.'”
If only grandpa had died a month and a half earlier.
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The woman continues: “I convinced him to talk with our pastor–who my husband has known for a long time and confided in/listened to many times–by himself, and then meet with both of us.”
Not surprisingly, the “pray the gay away” meeting with Pastor didn’t go so well.
“I don’t know what has happened,” the woman laments. “At the end of the meeting, when I was pathetically begging him not to go, my husband stood up with watery eyes, shook his head, and stormed out.”
When the woman returned home later that evening, her husband had moved out of the house.
“All of his clothes were gone,” she says, “and his wedding ring was on the nightstand.”
Talk about making a dramatic exit.
Related: Wife Enacts Ultimate Act Of Revenge On Husband Who Slept With The Male Gardener
She continues: “My pastor told me that with the mind boggling circumstance I’m in currently, I have every ground for an annulment because my husband didn’t disclose vital information to me before we were married. It would be like we were never married, in the eyes of both the state and church.”
There’s just one problem:
“I don’t know where my husband is. I can’t find him. None of his friends seem to know either and his family is as shocked and confused as I am,” the woman says.
She concludes, “I’m still processing how exactly we essentially went from happy and talking about what our future kids would be like one morning to that night discussing who would get the dog. I don’t have anything else to say right now, I think I just needed to write this all down to try and make sense of it. I can’t afford the rent on our house, so I am probably going to have to move back in with my parents.”
What advice do you have for this woman? Share your words of wisdom and support in the comment section below.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
What is point?
Kieran
Maybe he ran off with the Pastor?
Ukin Blome
When the pastor performed the pray the gay away ritual, the first station of the cross is to explore the taste of each others penis so they can talk about how distasteful it is to bring that act to completion. This ritual must be completed many times just to make sure the person undergoing therapy knows for sure.
The second station of the cross in this therapy is to go to a gay bath house and rub your body over the bodies of many many men. As the pastor, this man is required to go along with the patient and assist him in praying the gay away.
I could go on, but the point is, if she can’t find her husband, the first place I would recommend she look is the pastor.
DarkZephyr
I do feel sorry for this woman. He should never have married her, but its certainly a lot better than he come clean now then years down the road. That being said, its pretty crappy of him to vanish completely like that. He should at least help her get that annulment. It sounds to me like they might be Catholic, with the talk of annulment. He should help her get that annulment so that she can have peace of mind about moving on.
DarkZephyr
@DarkZephyr: THAT* he come clean now RATHER THAN* years down the road.
ingyaom
If the husband “dissappeared” after this alleged pastoral intervention, then when and where did they discuss “who gets the dog”? Obviously more Reddit BS.
Bauhaus
@Ukin Blome:
She’ll likely find the pastor in the bath house. Kill two birds…
Sukhrajah
Does he have to be present to sign the annulment? Would not an affidavit documenting their separation, and an accompanying letter from that of the Pastor (confirming the confession, and documenting it as evidence of his ‘marriage incompatibality’) not be sufficient in his absence?
If indeed he has left, does she really have to wait for his return – to essentially move one with her life?
Either way, once filed with the court (the initial documents demanding the divorce/annullment) – the court will then ‘serve’ a copy to the defendant. What happens if he cannot be located (thus cannot be served)?
Anyone with a jurisprudence degree willing to correct me, please do. I was just wondering about the last part – why should she have to wait? What legal barriers would be in place (and yes, understandably there are a myriad of local, state and federal laws to consider)?
Curtispsf
This is probably just more Reddit trolling. However if it’s not, I think it’s abhorrent for the guy to lead her down the garden path only to claim that he’s not interested in her bush anymore. Meh.
AllwaysQ
I believe that this man likely was influenced by his own religious experiences which prevented him from accepting himself. In time he may decide to re-contact his wife but in the meantime I would hope that this man be given time and space for healing so that he can finally accept himself. At least he did have the courage to be honest with his wife from early on. He might be too embarrased at this point for further discssion with his wife. Rather than condemn him, why not think about the reasons he was so repressed to begin with?
GLF
Reddit is not reality.
4of14
Can’t find the hubby, or just not looking in the right place? May I suggest: Grindr, Scruffs, Jack’d for starters? I’m sure you find him somewhere.
AxelDC
Maybe if he’d had sex with a woman before marriage, he would have realized that he wasn’t bi.
sfmike64
I feel bad for her, but at least she didn’t find out after 20 years of secret sex behind her back when she had two kids.
And all of you are right. People need to have the space to accept their sexuality when they’re teenagers and young adults.
In the end, she should just get an annulment.
Juanjo
Well this is an amusing story. I don’t necessarily believe it as there are a few discrepancies. That said, assuming it is true, the fact the man has disappeared means nothing legally. She can file for an annulment and then file an affidavit and a request to serve notice by publishing the summons in a newspaper. Thew affidavit needs to state what attempts she has taken to try and find the husband. Pretty much contact his place of employment, known friends and family and the like. People skip out all the time when they know they might get sued. They think it means they cannot be sued. They are wrong.
Nahald
He should have KNOWN BEFORE he married a woman that he was having “feelings” and should NOT have proceeded in the first place. MOST people know, or at least get an inkling, when they reach puberty and start self-gratification. The fantasies they use are kind of a tip-off.
chuck
If someone is closeted they should NOT mislead others like this. There’s no excuse for this behavior. Gawd is fake.
Sam Maloney
I wish our Christian neighbors could understand that these things happen because so many men are still afraid to come out, and they are afraid to come out because they’ve heard gay people dehumanized and demonized from the pulpit for their entire lives.
If you don’t want a gay man to marry your daughter, stop standing in the way of him marrying your son.
Caractecus
I don’t follow. She’s saying that like it’s a bad thing?!
Steven
At least he didn’t make the same mistake I did. I got married at 31 and discovered well, after 4 children, that I was gay. I would not admit it, though, even to myself and stuck around in a lie. My wife finally had enough of a sexless marriage and walked away. Can’t say that I blame her.
It wasn’t until much later when I met the man of my dreams who declared his love for me that I realized I loved him in return and that I was gay.
pattygale
It’s not brain surgery, apply for an annulment, he will show up eventually once he knows no one is going to force him to stay married, and both of you can lead happy fulfilling lives. Maybe you still love him but either step away or try to mold it into friendship to help him with where he is now. Be happy he made the discovery and the confession before you had 3 children and couldn’t live a lie any longer.
loren_1955
And thus we see the same scenario being played out again that has been happening for centuries and will more than likely continue for centuries. As long as there are religionists who are damned set on controlling other people’s lives, their sex, and their penis, we will have gays marrying straights to please mommies, daddies, churches, and cultures. In the end, no one wins, families are broken up, assets divided and lost, all on the whim of satisfying others. Been there done that, Mormons are some of the worst for pushing their marriage agendas assured that marriage will make the gay go away.
Brian
The husband simply found someone who’s hotter. That’s why he got out. The fact that it’s a male object of desire is completely irrelevant to the wife. She is not homophobic – she’s just upset that he no longer loves her.
It’s unfair of the man to treat his wife in this way. He was pathetic in his behavior. Disrespectful is another word that springs to mind.
RoughRugger
So has Queerty officially become nothing more than a curator of salacious gay-related reddit threads? Seems like the majority of the “headlines” in their “newsletter” these days is these types of Enquirer stories…
Brian
@Steven: Your 4 children are a gift of fertility. Don’t discount these important gifts in your life.
I would also recommend against identifying as gay. It’s a choice fraught with traps.
amigay
“went from happy and talking about what our future kids would be like one morning to that night discussing who would get the dog”
Sweetie, my guess is YOU were doing all the talking and he was just nodding “yes dear.”
amigay
@Brian: You’re only getting her side of the story. HIs could be vastly different.
rand503
Do they have to return the wedding gifts?
Gaymikey1960
This story makes me laugh! Yes i feel sorry for her but the christian aspect of (praying the gay away) or gay therapy is all fake! Being gay is not a disease, it is not a problem with the mind, our orientation is the way we are born and there is no magic pill to take it away! It cannot be cured, as like i said before it is not a disease!
Chris
Get the marriage annulled. If anything qualifies, this is it.
DMRX
@Sam Maloney:
“If you don’t want a gay man to marry your daughter, stop standing in the way of him marrying your son.”
LOVE THIS LINE!
James
I wish “pastors” would stop their gay hatred. The churches are all DEAD.
treyparmley
@Sukhrajah:
It varies from state to state. Where I practice id have my process server find him (they always do). Usually same day. He has to be served and he has 30 days to respond. If he doesn’t respond she can proceed without him. Simple dissolution. I charge 800 bucks if division of assets are amicable.
girldownunder
Very sorry, OP.
o.codone
This is not a real story. It’s concocted to generate a lot of anti-christian ridicule and mockery. For the christian haters, you really need to get over your juvenile hatred. It’s ruining your lives. You should see yourself from over here. It ain’t pretty.
He BGB
Have known so many men who fight their gay because they have been told god or Jesus won’t love them or won’t approve. Especially if their parents are very religious they are afraid they will disappoint their parents. I could name some celebrities like this except I won’t. I guess people don’t realize that God loves everyone, made them gay and gay people can be Christian, and most of all straight people who throw stones seem to forget they are doing terrible sinful things too. That they zero in on gay people is just HOMOPHOBIA. Homophobia wrapped in religion is still homophobia.
Bully2
First, I think I’d have found this story MORE interesting if the husband had an affair with the PASTOR instead of the gardener, but that’s just me.
To answer the question, however, my advice to the jilted wife is easier said than done: Move on with your life. If you can’t afford your rent, get a smaller place, or move in with a friend or your parents as you mentioned. Having someone around may be healthier for you, some people do better on their own. Use your own judgment for that.
If you aren’t already working, consider getting a job, and if full time work seems too daunting right now, consider a part time job. It gives you a chance to interact with people, meet others, and it’s good for socializing so you don’t feel too isolated, and having a few bucks coming in is never a bad thing.
Try to stay active in your church. Being surrounded by people who love you in a safe environment is something you’ll probably find comforting.
Talk to someone about how you’re feeling. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your parents, if you don’t find talking to the pastor productive, consider talking to your primary/family physician about what you’ve just gone through, and he or she may be willing to prescribe you an anti-depression and/or a mild anti-anxiety medication for the short term. Your family doctor may also be able to refer you to a therapist if you discuss it and think that might be helpful.
Most importantly, and I know this is easier said than done: Try to move on. Don’t maintain some ill-advised hope that your husband will miraculously return to you. You can’t pray the gay away, it just doesn’t work that way. Even if he TRIES to return to you, my advice would be to STAND STRONG and go through the divorce/annulment process, because even if he SAYS he’s over it and loves YOU, the it’s unlikely that his attraction to men is anything but temporarily suppressed.
LEGALLY, I think it’s important to consult your attorney about your divorce/annulment to learn how long, in your state, you must wait to get separated, divorced, or annulled. I suspect the reason would be ABANDONMENT, along with what your pastor said which is that he withheld critical information about himself going into your very brief marriage. Not sure if your faith does a religious annulment or if that’s even a legal thing. I was raised Catholic, and as far as I knew, it was strictly a religious thing, and divorce was a state thing, but consult the lawyer for that, as I’m not an expert. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, so knowing all your options is better than NOT KNOWING, and also knowing HOW LONG you must wait at least lets you do a countdown on your calendar, on your phone, or what-have-you.
LASTLY, I think it’s most important to remember this, and repeat it to yourself often: This situation really has nothing to do with YOU, your behaviour, or your personality. Your husband is gay, and simply put, your husband is not in the vagina business — you’re just the wrong gender for him. He may actually love you very much, but despite that, he is not sexually attracted to you because of your gender, and because he’s attracted to men.
Also, if he was raised in a very religious evangelical family, it would NOT be entirely unlikely that he felt some sort of pressure or even OBLIGATION to hit a certain age or stage in his life and get married (to a woman) and settle down. Gay men (and women I imagine) have been doing this for as long as marriage has existed. Sometimes their spouse KNOWS, other times the gay spouse keeps it a secret for decades, and never cheats, other spouses do cheat. However, because being gay was much less accepted than it is today, and even THAT is limited even here in the USA, many gay people STILL enter opposite-sex marriages out of some sort of obligation, and to keep up appearances. Moreover, the overwhelming number of them have a child, or even a number of children, and maintain a regular sex life — which again depends on the couple. The unfortunate part of many of these marriages is that they end in disaster and very hurt feelings, sometimes after 25, 30, even 40 years or more.
Which leads me to say this: While it would have been ideal if your husband told you this BEFORE the wedding, so you had the option to call it off, that ship has sailed. So, the reality is that you learned in 45 days that your husband is gay, and he’s left. IMHO, his honestly, albeit late and awkwardly timed, is better late than never. It’s hard for me to say this, and I suspect harder for you to hear it, so please accept it in the spirit in which I intend it, solidarity. It’s MUCH better than you found out NOW, after 1.5 months, that your husband is gay, better that you found out BEFORE you spent 25 years with him, and better you found out BEFORE you had one or more children with him, because as difficult as it is for you to have him take off and VANISH on you after 45 days, it would be MUCH worse if he abandoned you if he abandoned you after 5 years when you had 2 children. Right now I’m sure it’s small comfort, but at some point, it may help.
I hope that helps, and I wish you the best as you open a new chapter in your life.
Years from now, if you’re able to maintain a friendship with him, that would be healthy, and I’d encourage it, but only if you want it, and only in your own time.
Important Advice: When people tell you that “Life Goes On” or “You have to get back out there” or “You have to get back on that horse” or any other cliche advice telling you to MOVE ON and move on NOW, don’t listen to them! The truth is that everyone heals at their OWN PACE. Some people may be ready to MOVE ON by the next weekend. After going through what you just went through may take a year or more before they’re ready to “get back out there.” So, ignore people and THEIR timetables. If they push too hard, tell them to STOP, if they continue, tell them BITE ME! My mother went crazy EVERY TIME someone gave her the “move on” advice after my stepfather died — she was heartbroken, and it took her more than a few years. Whether it’s your best friend, a coworkers, or any relative including a parent, you follow your own clock, timetable and calendar.
#LoveIsLove #GayIsOK #StandWithHRC #EqualityForward
4of14
Bully2: “Having someone around may be healthier for you, some people do better on their own. Use your own judgment for that.”
That’s how she got here in the first place.
girldownunder
@Sam Maloney: I love it! Thank you for that…Everyone against the guy seems to feel that they have all the answers, when they do not.
If everyone were able to “find themselves” in their own time & not be vilified for it, I’m positive that a whole lot of these exact stories would never happen.
Instead, as kids just pushing past our “age of hormone overload” in life, we’re directed by society to one path only (one-size-fits-all) which clearly is the wrong path for many. Still, if you have enough religious zealotry & family/friend judgment against you, you’ll likely go that only direction you’re given (in hopes that something miraculous will happen to help you “fit”). I think that most of the time, people are only vaguely aware they’re grasping at straws & I doubt sincerely that anyone “tries to fit” with malicious intent to harm. Generally, it’s only when they’re “in it” for a period of time that they come to realize that they cannot “fit” what they’ve been sold. I have much empathy for everyone involved.