Hi Jake,
I am a 29-year-old gay guy and I have yet to have an orgasm anally. When I have a hookup, I usually feign tiredness just as an excuse to avoid anal play. Something’s keeping me from even exploring down there on my own. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of or what’s wrong with me. Am I just destined not to reap the pleasures of my G-spot? What can I do to get past this fear and give myself the gift of anal pleasure this holiday season?
Mr. Prost-hate
Dear Mr. Prost-hate,
Figuring out what you like and don’t like is a personal exploration that everyone gets to delve into. In your case, I’m sensing some ambivalence. On the one hand, it sounds like you would rather not “go there” in terms of engaging that part of your body during sexual acts, yet on the other hand, you’re wanting to push through fears because you feel like you’ll enjoy it once you give it a try.
Despite your indecision, I want you to know there is never anything “wrong with you” for not yet liking something that other people seem to enjoy. You’re simply in the process of figuring out what you want, and what feels comfortable for you sexually. Discovering that part of yourself is a process, and you should never hold yourself to expectations about what you’re “supposed” to enjoy or what is “normal”.
Perhaps both your avoidance and your desire can be true at the same time, and you need to have patience for yourself to allow for the right circumstances where you actually feel like going further down a particular road, rather than making yourself be ready when you’re not feeling it.
Pay attention to your body and your emotional state (a good LGBTQ therapist can help you get in touch with these if you aren’t sure what that means). Is there a tightness or clenching (both physically and emotionally), or a feeling of anxiety? Is your nervous system seizing up? If so, maybe that just means things are happening too fast, and you’re pushing past your boundaries.
On the contrary, maybe there’s a time where you’re in just the right situation with just the right guy, and you feel relaxed, or excited, and notice an inclination to go a little… deeper?
It might also help to do a little exploring to what your actual fears are, and talking with a counselor about where these come from. Are they actual possibilities, or irrational fears? Is it about being in pain or uncomfortable, or is it more about making sure everything is clean as a whistle, which is related to people-pleasing and being liked?
On the other hand, maybe it’s trepidation about doing something really intimate that you just aren’t ready for yet, and that’s perfectly valid. Figuring out what you’re really afraid of, and what’s underneath those thoughts, can help you decide whether or not you want to hold onto them any longer.
You’re young enough to have a whole lot of pleasure in your future, so don’t hold yourself to some timeline or demand that you think you’re “missing out” on. Things will happen when you’re ready, and your body and emotional state will guide you, rather than your social conditioning around what it means to be a sexually active gay guy. The holiday season is here, and the best gift you can give yourself is one of acceptance, even when your booty isn’t.
Struggling with your own issue? Reach out to LGBTQ Therapy Space to schedule a free video consultation with an LGBTQ clinician in your state who fully and authentically understands you. And don’t forget to follow us on social for LGBTQ mental health tips, and more!
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ-owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both CA and FL, with an online private practice of his own based in SoCal.
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Inspector 57
Whoa! It’s a Miracle of Christmas! Jake made up a letter and actually answered it in a half-sensible way!
Zip22Zip
Bottoming can be such a pain in the ass, excuse the pun. Just performing the hygiene part of it, being careful of your diet, cleaning yourself out and then the anxiety and worry of whether it was enough and will there be an accident, can be enough to turn you away from it much less keeping you from enjoying the pleasure many receive from the act. Not everyone will be aroused or have an orgasm while bottoming while others might find it exciting at first but become desensitized after a while. Like all sex, you tend to be more comfortable with a regular partner and someone you trust. As with anything, there are things you like and enjoy and others you just can’t get into.
Chrisk
All you have to do is up your fiber intake. All kinds of supplements you can take for that as well.
I think the important thing to say is that you’re just not into it and leave it at that.
BigE
This obsession with diet and cleanliness never came up in the 20th century. I can see how the misinformed might jump to the conclusion that we’re all walking tubes filled with excrement. You eat something at one end and shortly thereafter stools pop out of the other, but this is just how the digestive system is designed and unless you’re eating solid food constantly instead of regular meals, this is just not the case. After a bowel movement, you’ll have several hours before your next meal and next movement and your system is self-cleaning between each meal. Occasionally, shit happens. It’s natural and can be washed away. If it’s outside of your body, use soap and water. If it’s inside your body, water only. Get some toys and a waterbased lube and self-explore. Some toys are designed to activate your P-spot without simulating anal sex. Do what feels good. This is supposed to be fun.
seven5tx
You just need the right person to help you along. The first few times can be difficult. Yes the hygiene part can be tricky but well worth the effort. You don’t have to have an “anal orgasm” That does not always happen for everyone. It just feels good to have a man deep in you, THERE
SDR94103
stop eating lentils before sex. buh bye.
JTinToronto
Try it! You’ll like it!
MISTERJETT
if you like it, do it. if you don’t like it, don’t do it. next!!!
bachy
“Take that Big D*ck, Bltch!” usually works for me.
dbmcvey
Not everything is an issue. No one should be forcing anything.
musicman644
Bottoming takes practice, and a lot of it…starting with regular use of dildos…if you don’t like having a dildo in your bum, chances are you won’t like the real thing…if that’s the case maybe bottoming isn’t for you (and that’s ok).
I always say that bottoming is even more about the mental or psychological sensation I get from having a guy inside me than the physical pleasure I get from it (Although I love that too)…
It’s about enjoying the act of submission, and if you don’t like the thought of surrendering your ass to a guy, then you probably won’t like it when I happens for real…
SFMike
I think the sad thing is on gay threads and in porn now bottoming is pushed as the only real gay sex act and everything else is “side” and not really sex so young people, like this writer, are under the pressure to be bottoms because the idea that all gay men are bottoms is constantly promoted. Media has promoted the expectation that anal is the be all, end all of being gay and that has made coming out even more stressful.