Ask Jake

I hate bottoming. Is something wrong with me?

Man in blue pants grabbing his butt checks and squeezing.

Hi Jake,

I am a 29-year-old gay guy and I have yet to have an orgasm anally. When I have a hookup, I usually feign tiredness just as an excuse to avoid anal play. Something’s keeping me from even exploring down there on my own. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of or what’s wrong with me. Am I just destined not to reap the pleasures of my G-spot? What can I do to get past this fear and give myself the gift of anal pleasure this holiday season?

Mr. Prost-hate

Dear Mr. Prost-hate,

Figuring out what you like and don’t like is a personal exploration that everyone gets to delve into. In your case, I’m sensing some ambivalence. On the one hand, it sounds like you would rather not “go there” in terms of engaging that part of your body during sexual acts, yet on the other hand, you’re wanting to push through fears because you feel like you’ll enjoy it once you give it a try.

Despite your indecision, I want you to know there is never anything “wrong with you” for not yet liking something that other people seem to enjoy. You’re simply in the process of figuring out what you want, and what feels comfortable for you sexually. Discovering that part of yourself is a process, and you should never hold yourself to expectations about what you’re “supposed” to enjoy or what is “normal”.

Perhaps both your avoidance and your desire can be true at the same time, and you need to have patience for yourself to allow for the right circumstances where you actually feel like going further down a particular road, rather than making yourself be ready when you’re not feeling it.

Pay attention to your body and your emotional state (a good LGBTQ therapist can help you get in touch with these if you aren’t sure what that means). Is there a tightness or clenching (both physically and emotionally), or a feeling of anxiety? Is your nervous system seizing up? If so, maybe that just means things are happening too fast, and you’re pushing past your boundaries.

On the contrary, maybe there’s a time where you’re in just the right situation with just the right guy, and you feel relaxed, or excited, and notice an inclination to go a little… deeper?

It might also help to do a little exploring to what your actual fears are, and talking with a counselor about where these come from. Are they actual possibilities, or irrational fears? Is it about being in pain or uncomfortable, or is it more about making sure everything is clean as a whistle, which is related to people-pleasing and being liked?

On the other hand, maybe it’s trepidation about doing something really intimate that you just aren’t ready for yet, and that’s perfectly valid. Figuring out what you’re really afraid of, and what’s underneath those thoughts, can help you decide whether or not you want to hold onto them any longer.

You’re young enough to have a whole lot of pleasure in your future, so don’t hold yourself to some timeline or demand that you think you’re “missing out” on. Things will happen when you’re ready, and your body and emotional state will guide you, rather than your social conditioning around what it means to be a sexually active gay guy. The holiday season is here, and the best gift you can give yourself is one of acceptance, even when your booty isn’t.

Struggling with your own issue? Reach out to LGBTQ Therapy Space to schedule a free video consultation with an LGBTQ clinician in your state who fully and authentically understands you. And don’t forget to follow us on social for LGBTQ mental health tips, and more!

Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ-owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both CA and FL, with an online private practice of his own based in SoCal.

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