An anonymous woman using the handle jane_trousers has taken to Reddit to post a rather touching request for advice, all because she suspects her 12-year-old son is gay and wants to do everything she can to help him adjust.
“He’s flamboyant and somewhat effeminate,” she writes. “He likes dancing, musicals, My Little Pony, and other things that check the boxes. All good.”
But she’s not sure he knows he’s gay yet (or if he really is gay).
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Nevertheless, something he said this week broke her heart:
This week he became upset because a friend saw his My Little Pony drawings. One of the things he said to me that broke my heart was “I hate who I am.” He feels the need to hide parts of his personality to his friends. Maybe he’s right.
So her question to other Redditors is this:
“What help or advice did you receive when you were younger that helped you come to terms with who you are?”
Responses poured in at once.
“Just give him love and support,” says dsiman. “He will come out if/when he is ready.”
Don’t pressure him. One thing in particular, do not ask him if he is gay. He might not be ready to come out and asking him that makes him feel pressured. Just keep doing what you do and love him and give him loads of support. Just be a great parent and encourage him to be himself no matter who is watching.
Majeric thinks it’s important for parents to be proactive. “Part of the birds and the bees talk should include LGBT-affirming language.”
“In addition to loving him the best you can, you should talk to him about why he feels that way,” says YourFairyGodmother. “No need to even bring up the gay angle. He feels the need to hide parts of his personality not because he’s gay but because he’s not like the others and kids especially are hard on others.”
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“I think that you should do as much as you can to normalize it in your household,” Georgeishungry offers. “Talk about it openly, perhaps tell stories of your gay friends (without just doing so because “hey want to hear about my gay friend from college?”).”
“Be subtle but make it clear that you’re providing a loving and caring home for him, which is wonderful.”
So, any advice you’d like to offer? What do you wish your parents told you while you were growing up? Weigh in in the comments below.
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Low Country Boy
I think she is doing everything perfectly.
ChrisK
@abnerbha: Is this another Brian creation? You spend allot of time on this site for someone so opposed to being gay.
Chris
be supportive of him. eventually, he’ll tell you if he is.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
“He likes dancing, musicals, My Little Pony, ”
Break dancing, The Book Of Mormon, My Little Pony (ironically)
Solved.
Observant
Seriously, Queerty?
Please do post my comment following moderation. I’m hard-pressed to see what could possibly have snagged it.
robho3
Oy! another Reddit story
duecers
What do you do? Love him, unconditionally. Encourage his creativity. Let him be himself. Watch for abuse from playmates, teachers or other family members.
abnerbha
@duecers: Never have I heard straights blame childhood sex abuse for reasons a man has sex with a woman and fathers children with her. Yet sometimes have heard gays and lesbians say childhood sex abuse is reason they do same sex behaviors. Sex abuse in youth can cause people to behave in ways. It’s not controversial to talk of nightmares, suicides, bed wetting often a result of sex abuse in youth. Yet when 1 talks gay/lesbian behaviors in adulthood because they learned this sexual behavior by being repeatedly molested, then gays with politically safe psychologists complain. The politically correct psychologists who deny this know it’s possible for a boy to turn out gay as a result of childhood sex abuse, yet deny what they know is true. Of course, not all who are sexually abused in youth become gay in adulthood-but the risk is higher.
Me2
Every parent wants to protect their child and keep them from ever being hurt; many worry needlessly over things that they cannot control. The only advice I can offer her is to allow him to be himself and let him know that he matters. Teach him to respect himself and how to stand up for himself, if necessary. It may also be a good idea to get him involved in extra curricular activities where there may be other like-minded children.
Bauhaus
@abnerbha:
Enough about your childhood tribulations. Any advice for the mother?
Sluggo2007
Whatever his mother does, she should not be confrontational like my mother was. She was so angry about me being gay that she couldn’t see straight and she always let me know it. I hated her for that.
Tobi
@abnerbha: OK, ‘fess up, you’re Brian’s secret love child.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
That kid is so very lucky, he hit the Mom jackpot!!
This story reminds me of my childhood. My best friend Kyle proudly proclaimed he was Gay when we were ten years old………He was so Gay that every time he opened his mouth a rainbow poured out with unicorns riding down it! :p
He proudly picked out the perfect outfit to wear every day, usually to match the color of the week he chose to dye his hair. His Parents never made any attempt to “butch him up” nor tried to change his funny quirky behaviour. They did however do one thing to ensure his safety and that was to enroll him in martial arts training. Kyle took to the regiment like a swan to water. He loved the ballet like moves. By the age of 12 he had several advanced degree black belts…………………..
To this day I can remember the scenes of what happened when a bully approached Kyle and attempted to physically intimidate him. Within a nanosecond the bully would be laying on the ground. Once the stars he was seeing stopped spinning he would look up and see Kyle standing over him and Kyle would always deliver the same message: “You just had your first and only warning, if you ever attempt to bully me or anyone else I am going to act twice as stupid as you”……….Never had a repeat customer!!
David Bolton
Show him Whisper, so he can tell us all about his angst there.
Rimminit
@abnerbha: abnerbha – you’re an idiot and typical conservative who believe homosexuality is acquired or a chosen life style. Please join the 21st century and listen to the professionals when they say “homosexuality is genetic”! And get over it you fucking ass hole!!!
Billy Budd
Don’t try to push a sexual orientation on the kid just because he likes musicals and little ponies. Hi might actually turn out to be straight or bisexual. Let the kid decide for himself and follow his instincts. He is too young and confused right now. He must experiment first. The only thing to do now is to show unconditional support and love and tell him he is perfectly normal. I wouldn’t have lots of talks about gays with him. I would tell him about the spectrum and leave it as it is. LET THE KID FOLLOW HIS INSTINCTS without interference from anyone.
SeijnSei
@abnerbha:
Uhm I knew I was gay at years old. If you could have explained that concept to me at 5 without sexual terms (as who you are hard wired presents long before your hormones show up) I could have told you then at 5. i was never molested and I assure you I was not even remotely clsoe to being sexualized at 5.
Adults make this about sex. Kids just know they feel “different”.
As for the parents, you can show him positive examples and be supportive. If you have a gay friend make sure he knows how much you care about that person and that they are just like any other person. Hug him. Tell him he is smart. Special. Kind. And being gay is like magic. Not everyone gets to do it.
trusgold
I DO HOPE THIS LADY READS THIS. LET ME GIVE YOU SOME BASIC INFORMATION THAT MAY MAKE THE NEXT STEP MUCH MORE EASIER.
A HILD’S PERSONSALITY IS LRGELY DEVELOPED IN AGES BRTH TO AGE 6 SO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO STOPWELL YOU ARE TOO LATE. i WOULD SUGGEST STOP LABELINGYOUR CHILD THE WORLD HAS PLENTY OF TIME TO DO THAT AND FOCUS ON A SIMPLE CORE MISSION LOVE AND CCEPT YOURSON AS A SPECIALAND UNIQUE GIFT FROM gOD. hONOR ALLOW HIM TO BLOSSOM AND YOUR LOVE AND ACCEPTENCE WILL SUSTAIN HEALTHY POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT AND AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME WHO YOUR SON HS SEX WITH WILL COME AFTER YOUR LENGTHY DISCUSSION ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE FROM VIRGINITY TO PRESENT NOT LEAVING OUT WHEN YOU GOT DRUNK AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION AND HAD SEX WITH gROOM IN THE MEN’S BATHROOM. do not FORGET THAT…YOU KNOW HOW YOU ARE
MY FATHER HAD A MASTERS DEGREE IN EDUCATION A RARITY FOR HIS PEER GROUP MY FAMILY SPENT $200,00 ON MY EDUCATION i HAVE AN MBA FROM A TOP 20 SCHOOL WORLDWIDE. I HAVE DEVELOPED SHARP POWERS OF REASONING SUCH AS IF MY PARENTS EVER STUCK THEIR NOSE IN MY SEXUALITY AND WHO I WILL LOVE I WILL MOVE AWAY CHANGE MY NAME AND BE ESTRANGED FROM THEM THE REST OF MY LIFE…LADY THAT IS WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE HEADING IN RECORD TIME. SHUT UP LOVE THE KID HELP WITH HIS HOMEWORK NOT HIS DICK OK? WELL MAYBE THE PISSING THING
Luna1979
My nephew is questionably flamboyant with pink or purple hair, a stylish neck scarf and a nice piece of jewelry. He hasn’t mentioned MLPs, but does he need to?! He has a very beautiful “friend” whom he never goes anywhere without. I tell him his hair looks lovely, then ask how he’s doing in school, no I will not buy him an Xbox and why does he keep rejecting my FB friend requests. Usual stuff you’d talk to a 13 year old about. That’s really all you have to do.