National Coming Out Day is just a few weeks away. One California man has decided to get the celebration going early by sharing his emotional coming out story.
“It is very difficult to accurately describe the terror, trepidation and insecurity that accompanies a ‘coming out’ moment,” Jack Freedman (pictured) writes in a new essay shared on his Facebook page.
Twenty-two years ago this month, Freedman came out to his tough, ex-Marine father in a letter. He’s decided to share the letter now in hopes of inspiring others to do the same.
“What is surprising to me, when I read this letter, 22 years later is that I remember the feelings and the fear almost like it was yesterday,” Freedman writes. “I have finally reached the age that I have been out of the closet longer than I was in. But the fear that accompanies coming out to parents often is built up over years and years. It is incredibly intense.”
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“All I could think was, ‘Will everything else about me that my dad is grateful for suddenly be irrelevant once he knows I’m gay?'” he admits. “I told my father to read the letter and said that I would come back in an hour.”
Here’s Freedman’s emotional “coming out” letter in full:
September 1, 1992Dear Dad,I’ve tried to write this letter so many times over the last six months (in fact this is the third draft of this one). It seems, however, that every time I do, the words just don’t come out or it’s not the right time for me or it’s not the right time for you… I realize that I no longer have a clue as to when the “right” time would be. Actually, I think I’m just waiting for it to be easy and I know that is not going to happen.What I need to tell you is that I’m gay. I think you may have already guessed. You may have guessed a long time ago. I don’t know. There are tears running down my face as I write. Why? Relief? Excitement? Fear? Probably a bit of each. I’m so worried that this will change the way you see me. I’m worried that you are jaded and influenced by society’s attitudes towards gay people. I’m so scared that assumptions and stereotypes and fears will take over and nothing will be the same between us anymore. What could possibly be going through your mind while you read this? I’m so afraid that you will feel betrayed, hurt, embarrassed and angry. You have a right to those feelings, to an extent, but you need to wipe out all the stereotypes you carry, erase all the rumors you’ve heard and realize that I’m the same person I’ve always been.Mom has known since she surprised me by showing up at graduation in LA. I had planned on telling you both at the same time when I was ready. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. When she was here, she could tell I was happier and I guess I was talking about new friends and that I was more comfortable with myself, etc. She asked me directly and I have come too far to lie. We stayed up late in my apartment talking about it and she had many questions, but made it clear it did not change how she felt about me. In the wee hours of the morning, though, I woke up and heard her crying. I went to her and started to tell her, “Mom, it’s ok. I’m happy to finally be honest. You don’t have to cry.” She said, “No, honey, you don’t understand. I’m crying because of all those years you had to hide this while thinking I might not love you if I knew the truth.”I hope you don’t feel resentful, although I guess I’d understand if you do. Ironic that I pride myself on being so open and honest about how I think and feel and, yet, I’ve hidden this part of myself from you. I hope you realize that the reason I’m telling you is so you can be a complete part of my life. I don’t want to have to censor myself around you or not tell you about the people I care about or, more important, about the people who care about me.So, where do I start? In third grade, I sure as hell didn’t know what to call it, but I remember knowing I was different. In junior high, I tried to deny it. In high school, I made a conscious decision never to tell anybody as long as I lived. Can you imagine the feelings a fifteen year old has deciding not to tell anyone something so intimate about oneself…because the world thinks it’s disgusting? I knew the world thought that this part of me that I could not change was revolting to people. All I wanted was to be accepted and all I saw was this huge part of me that would forever deny me that feeling. I grew up knowing I was something the world, at best, mocked, and at worst, loathed.Can you imagine the pain this caused me growing up? The loneliness? The constant worry that someone would “find me out?” I don’t mean to sound self-pitying or melodramatic, but you need to know. I always knew I was different and that this difference was, by society’s judgments, bad. Imagine knowing something so intrinsic about yourself and having to hide it from everyone you love because you’re afraid they will stop loving you back. Imagine having to put on a mask everyday and pretend to be someone you’re not. Then, one day you realize that the effort it takes to pretend like that everyday has stopped you…me…from being who I really am. I stopped knowing myself. Imagine trying not to have feelings that come totally naturally to you. It was so awful. To have to hide half of who I am from everyone I love has hurt so much. I’m so glad that I’ve finally come to accept it…to accept myself. I’m who I am and whoever can’t handle it can fuck-off.If someone told me I could take a pill tonight and wake up straight tomorrow morning, I wouldn’t do it. I like who I’ve turned out to be and some of that is because of the things I’ve had to deal with in terms of being gay. Please realize that one’s sexuality is not a choice. You didn’t sit in sex education class in junior high thinking, “Gee, should I like guys or girls. Time to decide.” Ridiculous. I was born this way. It is no more simple or complex than that. You were born straight. I was born gay. I did not choose to be gay. I’m not sorry I am (anymore), but it wasn’t by choice. Why would someone choose to be something that society can’t accept…something that makes life so much more difficult than it already is?Dad, for me to be attracted to men is the same exact feeling and is as natural to me as for you to be attracted to women. Look at it this way: You can choose to sleep with a man or a woman. You are physically and mentally able to make this choice. You won’t, however, be physically attracted to the man. Your sexual urges are for women. The feeling is the same for me. I can and have chosen to sleep with both men and women, but it is men to whom I am attracted sexually. You can choose who you sleep with, but you can’t choose who you desire.I hope you realize that gay men aren’t attracted to every man they see any more than straight men are attracted to every woman they see. Gay men who are friends do not automatically sleep together. Gay men are no more promiscuous, gross or deviant in their sexual behavior than straight men and women (we just get more press time about it). Ignore all the stereotypes and rumors. Most of it is bullshit. And, contrary to popular belief, you can’t always tell when a man is gay.I hope you understand what a huge effort it takes to tell you this. I’m scared. At the same time, I respect that it may be difficult for you to accept (if it’s difficult at all, which it may not be). You may not care (ideally). You may feel really uncomfortable with it. Or, you may have guessed and dealt with it a long time ago. I really have no clue. Also, it’s not even that you “have” to know. I want you to know. See the difference? Get it?I’ve heard a zillion different stories about parental reactions. One father cried, but said it didn’t matter. One set of parents completely abandoned their son. One mother wanted her son to be in therapy to heal this “disgusting disease.” I don’t want you to accept it like some curse, however, that you must accept because I am your son and because you want to be a good dad. I still need your support, Dad. I have friends who say they’ll come out to everybody except their families. That’s not what I want. I don’t want to have to censor myself. I don’t want to have to alter my stories so their “straight.” I want you to be a complete part of my life.So, I’ve spilled my guts and now it’s your turn. You have to be absolutely and totally honest with me. You have to tell me exactly how you feel about this. It wouldn’t be fair to make me guess. You’re entitled to every single feeling you have…unless you ask me to be straight (but I think…hope…that you’re a little more enlightened than that). Actually, I really hope you’ll ask a lot of questions. Anything! I don’t want to hide any part of my life from you. Ask about sexual history, relationships, friendships, the truth behind any rumors you’ve heard, anything… You need to be totally open with me so that I feel comfortable. That’s one way you can support my coming out to you. If you’re angry, I want to hear it. If you’re totally disgusted, I want to hear that, too. If you are brave enough to ask the question, I will be brave enough to give you an honest answer.Being gay doesn’t mean that I’m any different from who you’ve always known me to be.Love,Jack
An hour after giving his father the letter, Freedman returned.
“I stood there by the door and looked at him across the entryway,” he says. “He just stood there, motionless, his hands at his side. He held the letter, unfolded and dangling from the fingertips of one hand.”
“What did I do wrong that you don’t already know this?” his father said, “Jack. You’re my son. I love you no matter what.”
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Saint Law
*tears up
Tackle
Exhausted! Damn, what a long letter… But if it got the job done, I guess. But I’m surprised his mother did not tell his father/ her husband. But true that gay men are no more gross or deviant then straight men. But due to the fact that it’s ( men with men) , we are a bit more promiscuous. ..
Scribe38
@Tackle: Told my mother years before my dad and she never said a word. My brother walked in on me and a bf years before I told my mom and never said a word. When I finally told my dad he said all the right things, but cursed out both my mom and brother for keeping my secret. 😉
davidbryan72
My dad responded “it would have been better for you to die then bring this shame on the family”
To My Response: “You live in a trailer?”
Billy Budd
My father tried to shut me up, because he believed it was just a phase!
cflekken
My Dad passed away before I could ever have that honest moment with him. I’m honestly not sure what his reaction would have been. I never heard him say anything against anyone, really, so it’s hard for me to say. Oddly, my Mom hinted a few years back that he may have had some kind of relations with another man at one point, but who knows.
I finally had that talk with my Mom. Keep in mind I’ve always lived my life as, “if you want to know, then you need to ask”. I never felt an obligation to just come out. Maybe it was a passive way of letting it happen. Either way, my Mom and I finally had the talk this year and, though she was upset that I wouldn’t give her grandchildren (at least not the traditional way), she said she loved me either way. Caught me by complete surprise because my Mom can be a very judgmental and critical person. Maybe letting time pass and her forcing herself to come to terms with it without me shoving it in her face was the right tactic.
joseph
@Saint Law: “Jack. You’re my son. I love you no matter what.”
I burst into Tears Reading his Dad’s response. How absolutely PERFECT…..Didn’t work Out that way for Me, but I’m Fine…..
Kyla
@Tackle: To quote my mother, “I tried to tell your father but he wouldn’t believe me, so I figured he could figure it out on his own. Anyway, your grandmother called…” So much for coming out drama with my mom. ::chuckle::
jd2222248
All great stories. My mom said “wait, all these years we could have been going to the gay club together?….damn you!” And she laughed. A great day!
sfbeast
Great letter (except ‘their’ should be ‘they’re’). And great response. It did get me teary eyed. But I felt very sad reading some of the comments.
FattBoy
@cflekken: Very well said.
Bulls Eye
So many of us learn amazing coping skills, and develop such creativity because of years of trying to “fit a square peg into a round hole.” I think that’s why so many artists and creative people happen to be gay – it’s part of our conditioning. just as an oyster turns a grain of sand into a pearl, some of us turn our fear, pain and confusion into creative expression.
For that reason, while I’m truly happy that society is coming to terms with the fact that being gay is completely normal, I’m afraid that the gay community will lose that spark that creates so many artists.
But let me just say: I’m glad the stigma of being gay is erasing. We deserve to be a dull and uncreative as so many straight people.
SteveDenver
That’s quite a letter. It must have been massive catharsis.
My friend John is from a Southern family that frankly is sordid melodrama dipped in religion. Since he doesn’t drive, he asked if I wanted to do a road trip and he would rent a car if I drove. I didn’t know he was planning to come out.
When we arrived, a lot of his relatives were at his folks’ house for Sunday afternoon supper. We loaded plates and sat in the yard. His dad asked what was new and he said, nothing much, but he had decided to share with his family that he is gay — he finally realized that his family loved him enough and was understanding enough to hear the truth.
His aunt started to protest and John said directly, “I have given you information, I’m not here to see your permission.” That was the end of that and nobody had a tantrum.
enlightenone
TOO MUCH!!! It’s not an exorcism! “We” make it more difficult than it has to be, especially this day and age. Forget Facebook, tweets – it’s not a party event; award shows – it’s not a talent or achievement, it’s maturing; anointed “hero” – not a Marvel comic book character; brave, courageous – NOT BEING IN THE “CLOSET” in the first place. Just do you for God’s sake!
Jerry12
My Father’s Father (A second Son)was Gay; My Father, a Second Son was Gay; (I accidentally met his Lover), I, a second Son am Gay (and have been living with my Lover for over 25 years). Before I “Came Out”, I married and we had three sons. The second one was Gay (But was living in New York when AIDS came to town). So the sequence has ended.
EGO
What a beautiful letter. I was 50 years old when I told my mother and two sisters. My father had passed away when I was 34. I have been with my partner for over 52 years, married over 10 years. My parents met my partner back in 1962 when I was in the Navy in Boston and living with my partner on Beacon Hill. Back then I called him my roommate and left it at that. I went through the “Fall of ’55” in Boise, Idaho when Boise had what we call a witch hunt against the gays. Since then, society has learned a lot about who we are and that we are just people who live our lives as straights do. Equality is advancing through our states as people continue to learn about us but there will probably be some bigots that never learn to use their brain.
enlightenone
@EGO: @EGO: They “use their brain.” What goes in it is what comes out!
Your life choices made sense for the time you lived it. Admire the fact that two of your choices were to choose love and your partner!
icarlos1974
This is great story ! The father’s response is pretty my experience . He basically told me I love you no matter what. You are my son and who ever you are doesn’t change that fact you are my flesh and blood. My mom on the other hand already had known by accident and did not like it. It took her years to accept it after I told her. She is religious and was more worried about what other people would think. Today it doesn’t matter. I also told them in 1992 I was 18 , it has been 23 years. I was worried cuz of our Latin background(Mexican ) I thought it would be tough and the machismo role etc and it turned out simple and acceptable with them. I’m grateful.
icarlos1974
This is great story ! The father’s response is pretty much my experience . He basically told me I love you no matter what. You are my son and who ever you are doesn’t change that fact you are my flesh and blood. My mom on the other hand already had known by accident and did not like it. It took her years to accept it after I told her. She is religious and was more worried about what other people would think. Today it doesn’t matter. I also told them in 1992 I was 18 , it has been 23 years. I was worried cuz of our Latin background(Mexican ) I thought it would be tough and the machismo role etc and it turned out simple and acceptable with them. I’m grateful.