how to handle

This Gay High Schooler Doesn’t Want His Ex-Girlfriend To Hear He’s Gay From Someone Else. What To Do?

For every teen who shares his or her story about growing up gay, or coming out in school, there are hundreds we’ll never hear from. Or about. These kids may turn out wonderfully. They may end up closeted their whole lives. So every so often, I like sharing stories that might not otherwise be told, because even I’m From Driftwood can’t share all these tales. Like this one from Reddit user mysteriouslichen, to which many of us can relate.

I’m a senior (male) in high school. Since seventh grade, I thought I was bisexual. I was sexually attracted to men, but I wanted a relationship with a woman. Sex with girls (everything except intercourse) was also fun, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t as enjoyable as it was supposed to be. I had a few relationships, still maintaining (internally only) that I was bisexual, so to the rest of the world I was straight. I dated a girl junior year, and we got physical, which was generally enjoyable but I knew it wasn’t… right. We broke up when she went to college. After that (and towards the end of the relationship) I realized that I definitely could not carry on a relationship with a woman for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I felt terrible, and to make it worse, her best friend tried to out me and expel me from the friend group while we were still dating. It was awful, but my best friends and girlfriend defended me, insisting I wasn’t gay and that we had a great relationship (it was so ingrained in my mind that I agreed with them).

I came out to my best friend and a few other people around Thanksgiving. My family doesn’t know (I live with them, and there’s really not much of a point in telling them now. I’m leaving in six months). Anyways, today at school someone told someone else… blah blah. It hurts having my trust betrayed, and even worse when the people don’t even understand that they did anything wrong. It won’t get to my parents or anything, mostly I’m worried about it getting to my ex-girlfriend. I don’t want her to think I was using her the whole time, I always treated her great and truly loved her.

I can pass as straight pretty easily, but I’m not going to deny it if anyone ever asks me. Most people have no idea when I tell them. I guess it comes with five years of practice. I plan to tell my parents after graduation (I’m pretty sure they won’t be disgusted). My question is, how should I handle the situation with my ex? It will only be a short matter of time before she hears from someone, but I would prefer it to be me.

As ABC always asks, what would you do?

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  • Kit

    Mysteriouslichen just needs to be himself. I think he should call her up and be as honestly with her as he was in the post. My guess is she’ll be supportive, otherwise their relationship would likely not has lasted as long as it did.

  • Cam

    If he cares about his ex so much and she is such a great person, why tell your friends and not tell her? Maybe he deep down fears that she won’t be as understanding as he thinks she will be.

    If she will, and you don’t want her to hear it from somebody else, call her. You are going to have the conversation with her either way, either you call her and tell her, or she calls you when she hears it from somebody else.

  • Matias

    Show this website and the letter sent :P

    There are some few tricks to avoid complicate stuff, but in the end will be the same: You need to be as honest as you can be. It’s always (sadly) the best solution.
    More rounds could be hurtful for you and everybody around you.

  • justiceontherocks

    She knew. She doesn’t hate you. She’s over it. Move on.

  • Mike

    This happened to me. I told her and she realized that I was lying to myself in the relationship, not to her. People are usually understanding about these things, especially if a good amount of time has passed since the end of the relationship.

  • soakman

    ditto with mike. move at your own pace. the girl will be fine and down the road it will be water under the bridge. you broke up already; the hard part over.

  • Marcus

    Give the girl a call and tell her and move on. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. If you don’t tell her, it’ll get back to her when she comes back to town at some point.

  • Bubba

    Um, tell her? I don’t understand why this is a question, to be honest. I mean, I empathize with this kid’s situation, but it seems like the obvious solution would be for him to call her up and tell her himself.

  • Anthony

    this happened to me, kinda. i dated a girl for six months, had a wonderful relationship with her, and afterwards we remained friends. Not only friends, but best friends. She was the first person I came out to. She was completely okay with it, and yes she said she knew. This girl probably knows already, and this guy shouldn’t be so worried about telling her. i would say that when he is completely ready with any and everyone knowing, tell her. just in case she doesn’t take it well, and starts talking to people, he needs to be alright with people knowing and the consequences. of course, i’m all about coming out and being able to be yourself… but it’s an serious decision to come out and you need to be able to deal with the serious consequences. i didn’t come out in high school to the masses, but i did to the people i could trust. luckily for myself, everything worked out and the people i told kept it to themselves… but i was prepared within my own mind to deal with everyone knowing should one of the few confidant’s decide to share the truth with the world.

    in any case, i hope everything works out… and after this guy leaves town and comes out, 6 months from his post i assume, tell everyone. the way i figured it at that point in my life, the ones that are his true friends will be there for him no matter what… and the ones that abandon him… eff ’em.

  • Chris

    This happened to me, but i was with my ex girlfriend for 5 years, throughout high school!
    I too knew, but didn’t admit to myself.
    After 2 years of being single, 1 of maintaining a relationship with my (still) boyfriend, i decided it was time to tell her, seeing as everyone was being told by me, or, other people.
    I done it in the form of speaking with her best friend, and her offering to tell her for me (we were all, and still are, good friends with some people!)
    After she did it, i got a really nice email from the Ex, basically reading that she is just glad that i am happy, and that she hopes the tension which has been between us since the break up can now break free and we can be friends again. She isn’t the girl she was back then, and shes just happy that our lives have moved forward and we continue to live our lives the way we want it. Suprising she asked for no details, when i thought she would. She just accepted.
    I think we our generation, its very easy for our age to accept these things, Even if it is our ex!

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