It was the end of my first year of college and I was, for lack of a better term, a complete f-ing mess. And not in the cutesy “OMG I just had three glasses of wine to myself!” kind of way. I was full-blown sobbing in public, skipping classes and using my dorm keys to self-harm. (Isn’t it fun how creative one can get when one wants to die!?)
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You see, it had been a rough year. I was living in the closet, going to a counselor who had me convinced I could “cognitively” change my sexuality and, just like Bella Swan, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with my straight best friend.
It wasn’t like I was trying to fall for him. It just sort of happened. We had met on the stairs of my college dorm, and I remember thinking he had one the most defined jawlines I had ever seen (my weakness). Seriously, it was like a sharp brick of cheese, and I wanted a slice of it. He asked if I wanted to go watch The Office with him, and so I did. Soon after we met, I told him I was “struggling with my sexuality.” And the rest is history. Only, not really.
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For the next year, we would become inseparable. Everyone who knew us, knew us as Josh and Kent. We mostly hung out in coffee shops studying, but occasionally we would hang out at his sister’s house or in the dorms.
Sometimes, I would even spend the weekends with him and his parents. His mom, who I remember typed on a computer a lot, was one of the most generous people I knew. His father, meanwhile, owned a waterproof paper company (aka #DunderMifflinIRL) and was absolutely hilarious. He taught me how to play a game once where you use pennies to do something, but I can’t really remember what.
Needless to say, the more Kent and I hung out, the more I realized I had feelings for him. But he was straight.
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Eventually, our friendship reached Lindsay Lohan-level toxic, much in part to my severe depression and adorable knack for obliterating any kind of healthy boundaries. There were times when we would hold hands, have awkwardly long hugs and say “I love you.” You know, typical straight friendship goals. Whenever he would try and distance himself from me, I would go Britney-circa-2007 on his ass, fake English accent and all.
In short, I wanted to kill myself; he wanted to save me. We were poetically destructive that way.
This went on for quite some time, until I finally came out to the world. After that, I knew I had to tell him. Opening my laptop, I pulled up Facebook and wrote him a message confessing my feelings (so young and hip of me, I know!). Here’s how it went:
Me: Sorry I was crazy. Also I love you.
Him: Sorry bro. I’m straight bye.
Me: Okay bye 4everz
And that’s how it was, for a long time, until years later, when he messaged me on Facebook:
Hey Josh, I just wanted to message you this before you found out another way. But recently I have begun to identify as gay. I wanted to message you to let you know the timing of it all. Until last summer, I was very “good” at ignoring my attractions to men and mistook friend crushes on girls for romantic crushes…. I want you to know I was not lying to you back in 2011 when you came out. I truly did not think I was gay (despite the attractions I noticed) and I did not have romantic feelings for you….
Reading his message, I couldn’t help but laugh. Finally! For years, my friends who knew the situation would debate with me.
“There is no way he is straight,” they’d say. “I don’t know, I feel like he would have told me if he wasn’t.” I’d reply. And yet, here it was.
It didn’t take me long to respond. “Awwww Kent!!! Thank you SO much for messaging me. I am so happy for you!” I said. “Seriously, NO hard feelings about things that happened in college. I should apologize for all the crazy shit I put you through. We are both probably very different people now. And besides…Coming out is such a journey and we all reach/approach it differently. I’m just glad you are (hopefully) happier and feel more alive now!”
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That was almost a year and a half ago. Honestly, I never lost sleep over his coming out or anything. Part of me expected the day would come (I have killer gaydar, what can I say?). And besides, so much time had passed that all I really felt was genuine happiness for him. We had obviously been through a lot together, but we were also very different from the people that met on the stairs all those years back.
However, much like many of my forays into hot mess territory, I can’t help but think “Oh dear, god” and cringe when I think about the past. Was that really me? I’ll wonder. But at the same time, I feel oddly thankful for that time. I’m thankful for memories of pennies and waterproof paper, of coffee shops and The Office. I’m thankful with how far of I’ve come, and how far he has too. I’m thankful that I no longer want to die. I feel happier with who I am, and I think he does too.
In fact, word on the street is that he’ll be getting married soon. I’ll let you know if I get an invite.
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PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Yeah I’ve pretended to be straight too..to shake off some obnoxiously clingy bunny burner
(J/K)
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
[song]
We looooooooooove the straight meeeen. We love the straight meeeeeen. Our lives are incomplete without the straight meeeeeen. We loooooooove theeeem; we worship theeeemmmmmmmmmmm; adore them; obsess about them; we die without theeeeeemmmmmmmmmm. Gay men looooooove the straight meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.
[and song].
Thank you. I hope you all loved my song as much as I loved performing it for you.
Thad
I don’t know…the author seems fairly well-adjusted these days. Hmmm. Maybe there’s hope even for the trolliest (I made that up) troll lurking at Queerty.
Josh S
Ah, another story from a gay male who’s controlled by his teenage-girl feelings. Whatever you do, Queerty, don’t ever publish something by a masculine man — keep it effeminate, young, hip, and faaaaaaaaaaabulously vapid.
Sukhrajah
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: So, um, I actually had to google that term. I died, of a stroke, induced by laughing!
“The library is permanently closed!” – echoes RuPaul!
Sukhrajah
@Josh S: WHOA!
True, but WHOA!
#fatfemmmeandasian
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
@Sukhrajah: actually it’s bunny “boiler” not burner..but either method is effective I generally find.
xopher
Hey Josh, your “friend” was douche, whatever excuses he wraps it in. I am glad you are over it. No straight man is going to hold your hand, and give long lingering hugs, and say, “I love you” to his best gay buddy unless he does it to keep an un-healthfully hold on your attention and companionship, i.e. control you. I guarantee you that if this was his behavior post, you having told him you were questioning your sexuality, and pre, reveal that you had feelings for him, then he is a manipulative bastard. I cannot guess his causation, or even if he was even self aware of his behavior, but he did just as much damage to you emotionally, as you may have believed you were doing to him. If fact your behavior was as result of all the withholding he did, and was exactly what he was looking for, even if it was something he was doing subconsciously. He needed that negative drama from you. He loved getting all that love from you, and he knew you were in love him with way before you ever revealed it, and clearly fostered it in you. Maybe he will own up to that in another decade.
Hillers
So charming and bittersweet. ?
Hussain-TheCanadian
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: LMAO!!
I’m actually surprised this isn’t a “Whisper” article.
ThumperPA
xopher for the win!
This story sounded remarkably similar to my own and I have realized my “buddy” was/is most likely a sociopath who wanted my attention. At least until it was “inconvenient” for him. Then I got dumped… just like the girl his buddies made him fuck so she’d throw them a party. It was very confusing going from someone’s cloest confidante one day to “just some guy I knew” the next.
richard_hartzell
@Josh S: Wow, how incredibly unhappy you must be.
Josh447
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey: Oh please get a grip kiddo. You’re so off base about that it isn’t even funny, in case you were making a joke. Gay men get hot over sexy hot men and SOME gay and straight guys have dicks and good looks, the end. Very few gay men obsess about straights bc they are straight. Nevertheless, change “we” to ‘I’ and you’d have some accuracy in your lyrics. There are a lot off extremely beautiful gay guys out there. Don’t limit yourself bc of some possible deep seated belief that straight is better and you want to be it or at least suck it to feel real. It’ll make you crazy unhappy.
Brian
I see this as being like 2 men with matching personalities finding happiness in each other. I think it’s great.
If one man is gay-identifying and the other is straight-identifying, this sort of thing can still happen. Their personalities may be so well-matching, it is the over-riding cause of their relationship.
Even if one of the men remains straight-identifying, a relationship can still develop because sex does NOT have to be front and center of the relationship. A lot of people – including gay-identifying men – are so obsessed with the notion of SEX that they forget that some of the sweetest relationships between men can be based on things other than SEX.
xopher
@Brian: Well, except that was not what this was. I don’t deny that friendshio cannot be forged between a gay and a straight man, my best friend growing up was straight, and we were peas in a pod. What Josh described was something else entirely. They may also have been peas in a pod, except one of the peas used the pea to get his need for attention fulfilled, and was dishonest, while the other pea got put through a wringer.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@Josh447: [song] Gay meeeeeeeen looooooooooooooove straaaaaaight men. [and song]. Thsnk you, Josh.
robho3
I’ve been in similar situations( maybe not the holding hands part). I’ve always respected people’s boundaries…if someone says they are straight I respect that even if I know in the back of my mind it may not be true. Coming out is a difficult process and everyone needs to do it it their own way and shouldn’t be pushed. That being said there have been times when the ‘straight’ person would make a pass at me and involve me in a hot mess of a situation and play with my emotions which I think is not right. Nowdays I keep a very safe distance from people like that- it saves me a lot of grief and drama—- there are plenty of Gay men out there which are comfortable with their sexuality.
Bauhaus
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey:
I prefer gay men, no doubt about it, but I like men. Sex with straight(ish) men can be very complicated, they cry like babies after sex, and they sneak – too much work, very little reward. I have had some nice experiences with these kinds of guys, though. I agree with you, the obsession on here is insane.
Josh447
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey:
I’d keep your day job. Your uninformed “song” (eye roll) sucks donkey ass, though you may be singing it right on key. Well never know, thank God. 😉
Josh447
PS. Though I’m sure you probably have allot of great songs under your belt. 😉
scotshot
@Josh447:
You’re about as butch as Joan Crawford was after a three day bender. Get over delusional yourself.