What is “top privilege”? According to writer Rembrandt Duran, it’s exactly what it sounds like: the act of a top enjoying certain benefits denied to his bottom counterpart.
“Everything from Fleeting to poop shaming to HIV contraction rate, we start to see that we tops have a kind of privilege that our vers and bottom sisters do not have,” Duran writes in a think piece published by Gay Star News.
Duran breaks “top privilege” down into a few different categories.
First, there’s health. When it comes to things like STDs, bottoms are way more vulnerable than tops.
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Not only is the risk of HIV and other STI transmission much lower for tops, “but tops have the distinct luxury of being able to identify symptoms of certain STIs more quickly than bottoms.”
Related: We need to stop slut-shaming each other for putting out too soon
Tops also don’t get slut shamed the same way bottoms do, Duran argues.
“There are still many people who see bottoms’ promiscuity as something more shameful, dirty, or ‘slutty’ than that of tops. There seems to be different reasons people ‘bottom shame’ and, truthfully, all of them are dumb as hell.”
Dumb as hell, indeed!
This thought process comes from internalized homophobia and sexist attitudes towards penetration.
Some seem to feel like, ‘Sure, I’m gay but at least I’m a top.’ This belief stems from residual shame after coming out, and the notion that traditionally masculine expressions of sexuality are somehow more valid.
Luckily as I’ve gotten older and delved into more sexually liberated groups of gay people, I encounter less and less of this. But every now and then I’m reminded that there are plenty of people of all ages who still feel this way.
Then, of course, there is the issue of, ahem, prep work. Duran believes bottoms are “upheld to completely ridiculous standards” when it comes to preparing for penetration.
“Not only dietary wise but also supplementary!” he writes. “I’ve seen threads upon threads of tweets and Facebook statuses about what bottoms can do to make sure they have pristine anuses for their tops.”
He continues, “Some people go to certain extremes as taking six fiber pills a day, using multiple Fleet enemas, and not eating for hours prior to a hookup. And while this humble top is no nutritionist, I can’t imagine that’s healthy.”
“As tops,” he writes, “we have to stop demanding such perfection from bottoms.”
Related: This vlogger invites you to “banish the b-hole binary” by giving up top and bottom labels
h/t: Gay Star News
KaiserVonScheiss
Ok, this ‘privilege’ stuff needs to just stop. Situational standards are not privileges.
Gregg
Agreed
eireapparent
I can only think of the Netflix show Big Mouth where the flamboyant gay kid proclaims loudly that EVERYTHING in the Gay community is a ‘thing’. This just seems like another ‘thing’ created out of thin air so we can be harangued and chastised by some 19 year old job n Tumblr who has life worked out and consequently knows better than everyone.
TimothyBeauchamp
WTF? Really? What about any of us who are versatile? Ridic.
tnguy222
As a top, if you are not getting a little mud on the tires, you are just not Hitting it right.
CastleSF
tnguy, I applaud your very generous perspective on this issue but different guys have a different tolerance level for the stuff and the smell.
ElPillo
A bottom who properly cleans out is not getting “hit” well? Does it hurt the too’s feeling if the bottom knows how to douche? As a bottom, that’s a bs statement.
Caligari
Because god forbid you should get a little shit on a condom you’re going to throw away once you’re done with it. Just make sure you always lay down towels.
Mpo2411
That’s just gross
joshua_greene
They are also leaving out the bareback sex undertones that is also related but it’s a shame that people hold onto these stupid labels…I’d only everyone was Vers or was open to being
Verse
ChrisK
“Some people go to certain extremes as taking six fiber pills a day, using multiple Fleet enemas, and not eating for hours prior to a hookup”.
Oh noes. You need lots of fiber and conscience about your diet. Actually that sounds pretty healthy to me.
scotshot
Too much fiber can cause :
bloating
abdominal pain
flatulence
diarrhea
constipation
weight gain
intestinal blockage in some
reduces blood sugar
Let us know how many of these your “healthy” date shares with you.
A proper diet, exercise and being aware too many supplements may include bad / severe effects.
jackityjack
Oh, please.
Okay, so I’m a top, too. Gonna say that flat out, and I’m not going to humblebrag about it like the writer did.
If I’ve learned ANYTHING in my time as a sexually active gay man, it’s that it takes a real man to be a bottom (or vers). To own it, to take it, and to embrace it is something that should be valued. To be blunt, the physicality of the sexual act itself isn’t for everybody–not everyone can bottom (or at least bottom successfully–i.e. no blood, no hurt, etc.), or there may be medical issues associated with the act itself (gastrointestinal issues preventing bottoming are a real thing).
As far as ‘poop shaming’–okay, so I understand how anal sex works, but this would be the same in the hetero world as the gay world. It’s usually not advised that a man have sex with a woman on her period or if she has a yeast infection (both of which can be defined as some of he more objectively ‘unclean’ parts of sexuality because, well, it’s blood and bacteria), and if hetero couples decide to go the anal route (be it “pegging” for him or full-on anal for her), there’s a general expectation of cleanliness and preparation beforehand. And unless you’re legitimately into it as a fetish, the actual smell of excrement is a massive turn-off for anyone, in addition to being a generally embarrassing thing in even the most intimate of settings. Most sexual partners, even ones that have been together a while, don’t tend to take dumps in front of one another, so when an ‘accident’ happens…yes, it’s unfortunate, but it’s usually dealt with by the person who is the offending party.
And as far as a diet is concerned–honestly, that’s on the people themselves who decide to bottom. And you know what? Maybe they have that diet because they know what works for their bodies. Perhaps they know what will upset their stomachs if they know they’re going to be bottoming that night. And some may want to be ready at a moment’s notice because the world is their oyster and they want to have it all…and you know what? More power to them. Own it, embrace it, live it.
troyfight
^ excellently said, jack…..now we just need you to argue for Craigslist personals to return 😉
michel_banen
jackityjack totally… uh…. nailed it. And besides that, 2 people that actually engage with eachother agree with the ‘role’ they take on for that encounter, “all risks included”.
People should do whatever they want as long as it’s mutual / voluntarily.
Darsithis
As a bottom, some of this I have experienced, some of it is nature. Yeah, we can get STD’s easier. I don’t see how that can be fixed, it’s just the nature of penetration vs penetrating.
However, I see nothing wrong with preparing for sex. While I don’t go nearly as far as “multiple enemas” and “6 fiber pills”, I do anticipate when my partner might want to have sex and will take precautions such as douching a few hours before and making sure fiber wafers are a part of my daily diet most days, but that’s hardly unusual or unhealthy. It feels good to know I am clean and prepared for my partner, not shamed. No one wants a messy experience no matter which side of the sex you’re on.
TheBigOne
Condoms, ever heard of them?
scotshot
“I don’t see how that can be fixed….” Has anyone heard of these things called condoms?
SMH
Darsithis
Condoms are unrelated. I am not talking about *protecting* from STDs, I’m referring to how penetration is inherently safer when it comes to STDs but inherently easier to transfer them. That’s it.
rogue4gay
Naomi from sense8:
“labels are the opposite of understanding”
“I guess who I am is exactly the same as who you are. Not better than, not less than. Because there is no one who has been or will ever be exactly the same as either you or me.”
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I too am the “top” and my partner is the “bottom”. My comments to him… I fucking jealous of how much you enjoy it and that really turns me on. My thoughts, much of “bottom” shame is coming from “tops” who want to “bottom”. I love to “bottom” also.
The “bottom line”, we are all individuals. We are all learning to love ourselves exactly the way we are. Whether “top”, “bottom”, “vers”, “side”, “bi”, “str8”, “asexual”, “tran”, etc.
christianroth
Sorry – I’m being very picky – her name was/is Nomi…………..
Gregg
What truly needs to be addressed is the overuse, misuse and abuse of the word PRIVILEGE. When in doubt, look it up. You‘ll find it between PRIVATES and PRIVY in the dictionary.
Dymension
Absolutely!
TheBigOne
Seems that everything nowadays is reason to be ashamed or “in-politically correct”.
I’ve been a “top” for my entire gay adult life, I have NEVER treated my “bottoms” like sluts, as “things” or in any demeaning manner. Articles such as this one remind me of the reason that I do not actively participate in anything “gay”.
If “bottoms” really feel as though they’re getting the bad side of the deal, maybe they should stop referring to themselves as “sluts” “pigs” “cum receptacles” “bitches”, etc. If you think that lowly of yourselves, expect to be treated as such.
And I have always treated every single one of my “bottom” partners very well, emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other way possible.
He BGB
I remember many years ago before the top and bottom designations, going out with a new guy and when we got to his place later, getting undresed, up comes the a$$ hungrily looking up at me like a man eating plant. That’s when I knew I was a bottom.
Josh447
Lol. So funny.
frankcar1965
You want to fuck me then you takes your chances. There certainly are times when I think you should not go down the Hershey bar road for certain reasons, but when you really want to, don’t complain to me about what happens. After all you’re playing with fire any time you go there no matter what the preparation or whether you use a condom or not. If you don’t want shat on your dick don’t stick it in there.
Paco
Ancient Romans looked down upon penetrated males as well. I don’t think that is an attitude that will be seeing much change anytime some in modern society.
Paco
*anytime soon
troyfight
it’s mostly the masculine (top) feminine (bottom) thing in most people’s minds, I think that launch the shaming. As well as the above arguments. One of queerty’s better reports.
Heywood Jablowme
Oh no, Paco, that can’t be true. This is a BRAND NEW PROBLEM that some blogger in his 20s just discovered and identified. Nobody ever heard of this problem in the dim dark past of the 1990s or 1980s, never mind ancient Roman times.
LOL.
kcXanadu
Can we please stop with the overpolicing of this “privilege” nonsense? I live in NYC and I’m mainly a top and I’ve never known any other tops speak about bottoms like this. They may have gotten MORE excited that they were sluts but never shamed them for it. This almost reads as a non-gay male writing this POV, or a gay male who has been heaviliy influenced by a non-gay male and we ALL know a community that is notorious for this bullshit. I choose not to say it to make a point, but we all know who they are. Micro management of our communities needs to stop along with this privilege bullshit.
BigFloridaBear
This is ridiculous, I live in Ft Lauderdale and have never seen or heard anything like this. I think that if your writers can’t come up with a story without trying to divide the community under at times absurd lines perhaps they should go work somewhere else. PLEASE give us content not made up drama crap. I’m hoping the next article is not that gay men that wear blue shirts feel more important than other gay men.
DrewD
Oh my yes! This IS a problem!
Bob Scardino
The blue shirts is a problem? Are we over-privileged when we wear blue shirts?
Heywood Jablowme
@Bob: Blue is the traditional oppressive color of toxic masculinity, so…
drumstick
Momma always said, “There are two types of men in this world: bottoms and liars…”
JLJ
Honestly, I’m too much of a sissy to bottom. It takes a real man to do it.
Brian
Right? I’ve tried several times, I think the most I’ve ever lasted was about 2 minutes. 100% pain, 0% pleasure. No idea what I’m doing wrong but I accepted long ago that it just ain’t for me.
CastleSF
Brian, you are not doing anything wrong. You tried and you didn’t like it. Good for you. Now do what you really like and are good at. It’s so much easier to be who we are meant to be, not what others want us to be.
Caligari
Hey, Heywood, my Squirt profile says in Turn-offs: “People who don’t spell discreet correctly.” Maybe I just don’t go for bi guys.
FRE0
This article and the following comments assume that the only way gay men ever have sex is anal and it’s not true. There are many of us who don’t want anal sex. Why is that so rarely acknowledged?
Jaxton
Honestly, some elements of the gay media are like the National Enquirer of the human body.
Creamsicle
“Luckily as I’ve gotten older and delved into more sexually liberated groups of gay people, I encounter less and less of this. ”
Sounds like he’s already found a solution. Stop associating with people whose beliefs re: bottoming don’t match your own sex positivity. There’s a reason I don’t hang out with conservative pastors, or total top masc bros, or any number of people who might not be cool with my sexual frankness. If this bothers you then stop discussing sex and sexual attitudes with people whose views will upset you. The particulars of gay sex are complex and personal and “calling out,” people who don’t care about your personal sex life and attitudes on the Internet isn’t constructive.
If you can find men who will sleep with you and not apply any of these “bottom shaming,” standards then wohoo, you found someone with whom you can have sex. If the hot guy on tinder or grindr isn’t as “woke” as you then maybe don’t fuck him or do fuck him and then lecture him after so that he’ll get the fuck out of your place and move on to ghosting you.
JamJewel
Since most str8 people think we all ‘take’ it, this top/bottom thing is strictly a gay thing.
Umoja
Bottom privilege: the knowledge that PrEP is better retained in the ass tissues and so better protects gay male bottoms than it does straight female vaginal canals.
Top lack-of-privilege: The expectation that you can always stay hard, the expectation that you can climax even with a loose or odorous bum, the expectation that you can always find the hole (lol), the expectation that you will do the majority of the work – the leg holding – the control of the sexual narrative. Bottoms have a vastly different game of performance anxiety.
Rob91316
I’m a screaming, d*ck-loving power-bottom — and PROUD OF IT!! My man of 18 years — a total top — likes me that way, too! Moreover, as a Gen-X’r, AIDS was already a big deal when I started becoming sexually active, so I always practiced safe-sex and never contracted any STIs — not even a case of the crabs! So I am living proof that you can be a “responsible slut.” As far as anal hygiene, whether I’m getting topped or not, I prefer to have a squeaky-clean poo-hole at all times. Just a personal preference borne out of my anal retentive personality. Hehehehe!!!
inbama
Multiple douches (just using warm water in the FLEET bottle) are necessary for the kind of demanding bottom who’s going to be dictating how fast, how deep, when to pause, when to tease, to change position, has a sphincter that opens up in stages, has the anal equivalent of orgasms, and isn’t satisfied unless you can perform for an hour minimum.
As to ailments, when an unprotected top does some heavy breathing or whatever’s necessary to postpone ejaculation, the receding fluid can carry bacteria along with it from his partner’s anus and cause a prostate infection.
phallictomato
There are so many ‘top’s that shame people who bottom, but what I find ironic, is that the bottom actually does a hell of a lot of prep for the top, who is usually not only a dick about the person they’re screwing being a bottom, but is actually the one having to put in the least amount of effort. All the top has to do is pull out their dick, put a condom on (or not) and shove it in. Bottom = has to do enema stuff – cleaning out their ass multiple times, watch their diet, etc.
So the next time a top shames a bottom – just think – bottoms are the ones doing ALL the hard work so that YOUR lazy ass top can get off. I respect all bottoms. Not so much the arrogant, bottom-shaming tops.
taborsmind
there is some truth to this…
YES! There is some truth to this. If not there wouldn’t be so much protest.
It mainly happens in anonymous linkups. But some bottoms dig it. If you don’t, let
that trick know loud and clear! My problem has always been that if they become lovers I show them how to bottom slowly and carefully. Then I explain that as a bottom we have two toys now. Because you have that cock inside you massaging your prostate while you are playing with your own cock. The orgasm is more intense, a lot more intense. After that I have to share. Then they want to bottom all the time. Then I have to find someone else. It’s such a pervasive problem. LOL
missannethrope
1discreet
adjectivedis·creet\di-?skr?t\
1 : having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech : prudent; especially : capable of preserving prudent silence
2 : unpretentious, modest the warmth and discreet elegance of a civilized home — Joseph Wechsberg
3 : unobtrusive, unnoticeable followed at a discreet distance
missannethrope
1discrete
adjectivedis·crete\dis-?kr?t, ?dis-?\
1 : constituting a separate entity : individually distinct several discrete sections
2 a : consisting of distinct or unconnected elements : noncontinuous
b : taking on or having a finite or countably infinite number of values discrete probabilities a discrete random variable
I believe YOU are the one misspelling “discreet.”
taborsmind
So caddy!! LOL. loved it!
DuMaurier
I’m not for any kind of “shaming”, but this perspective is kind of narrow. The “privilege” premise makes it all sound like we’re talking about recently adopted, shallow attitudes we can just ‘deal with’ and sweep away. Actually, the stigma of being the bottom goes back thousands of years, ingrained in completely disconnected societies with wildly different ethical/religious traditions; so much so that it seems less like a cultural thing than something hard-wired in our gray matter. That doesn’t make it right, but it probably means it’s gonna be harder to get rid of than any dose of activism plus self-reflection can do.
Heywood Jablowme
@missannethrope: I’m aware of your homonym #2 which doesn’t apply here.
The bi guys are trying to use your homonym #1, and they are misspelling it!
chris33133
Age privilege: those of us old farts who see this stuff and guffaw/laugh at the people who take it seriously, preferably in person so as to shame them with said laughter.
CastleSF
If you truly feel you are just “working” when you top, maybe you are not doing it right. A good top is a pleaser and he aims to please because that’s what turns him on.
nautilusjv
As a top, I say that most tops are ridiculous jackasses.
Geeker
Is everything a “privilege” now?
Heywood Jablowme
I love your avatar and I can just imagine Stewie Griffin saying that:
“Is everything a ‘privilege’ now, Brian?”
Brian replies with some sanctimonious “woke” yadda-yadda.
sidney3
well, Idk if I laugh – if I make no comment at all – if err say – anyways you guys behind (omg) queerty get some real spare time. lets go wash the dishes?
johnnymcmxxx
Since tops are so rare and valuable to the endless number of bottoms, I say they naturally earn a bit of privilege. In fact, I’ve never heard a bottom complain about it.
CastleSF
I have to dispute your observation of the numbers. I think one group makes themselves more visible and even more vocal in their sexual preference, which gives the illusion that they outnumber the other group, who tends to be quieter and not as visible.
batesmotel
This is news to me. I know quite a number of gay men and this is something that has NEVER come up. Must be conversation topic in super private gay cliche circles.
Lookyloo
“…that our vers and bottom sisters do not have”
This is where I STOPPED reading.
Referring to gay men as “sisters” in this generalized way is sexist and homophobic – So, I just can’t take the rest of whatever this person is saying seriously.
If someone and their friends like using female pronouns for each other in their personal lives, that’s one thing.
But just labeling gay men generally with female language is backwards and a sign of ingrained sexism and homophobia – even within the gay community.
Yes. There was a time in dark history when it was pretty much necessary, for safety reasons, for gay men to talk about other men using female pronouns – as to hide from common ears that they were talking about men in gay ways. The history of this tactic is important and should not be ignored. But to keep it up in this day and age – just to for fun – is regressive.
I’m all for shutting down the patriarchy and dispelling with heteronormative tropes but generally effeminizing ONLY gay men falls into the trap of bolstering those things.
Cylest Brooks
Who are you, internet angel?
LABrad
Lookyloo I used to hate that too, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s the same thing as black people using the n-word. As gay boys, many of us were bullied and gay bashed by people calling us female words and pronouns. Some of us “re-claim” those words and use them as a joke to de-weaponize them and ridicule the whole system. As a bonus, the modern day “trans community” is so paranoid and militant about properly using gender related words, it gives us even more people to piss off by showing our total lack of respect.
Esscourt
This has to be one of the dumbest ideas for a story that I’ve ever read!
surreal33
The hardcore denial in the gay community is epic. Most tops (not all) have more self-esteem than bottoms and are less likely take health risks. Hence why so many tops only want a blow job. Bottoms tend to have the attitude of any goes as long as I get off mindset.
Cylest Brooks
Hi there everyone! Friendly Queerty comment moderator here!
I have deleted several comments here that violate our comments policy. If you didn’t know, we recently updated our comment policy as part of an effort to make Queerty a more positive and inclusive space.
If one of your comments was removed, please review the updated policy here: https://www.queerty.com/queertys-comment-policy
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
You had no reason whatsoever to delete my comment which was perfectly on topic and a reply to another commenters enduring about the proliferation of the “privilege”…well, no reason but your own horribly narrow minded bias. Do your job properly!
Cylest Brooks
Your comment included derogatory language toward blanket groups of people, as most of your comments do, which is a violation the comment policy.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Inquiring*
DCguy
Two main issues here.
Using the word “Privilege” when it has been used in more of a racial way recently seems to be a miss-use. Not having to douche or prepare as much are definitely CONVIENIENT, but it isn’t as if Tops are less likely to get pulled over by cops who can see their “Topness”, or that a company is more likely to hire a “Top”. So I would hesitate to use that term.
My other issue with this article is that there aren’t any citing’s or evidence.
It just says things like “We all know”. or “There are still many who think that….”
Well who are they? Where is the evidence? I mean there is no argument that prep work for bottoming is obviously more involved if they are going to clean up, where all Tops need to do is cut their nails, but the thing is, the article didn’t provide any PROOF that bottoms are “Slut Shamed” more than tops. It seems that maybe some of the issues belong to the writer and not necessarily the “Community”.
DHT
I told a top recently that we couldn’t have sex because I hadn’t cleaned…he told me he didn’t care what my house looked like.
DCguy
But you didn’t finish the post……so did he still not care after he saw how messy your house was? 🙂
radiooutmike
I personally would not call it privilege with a capital P. Sure, a top does not have to worry about a cleansing routine or getting enough fiber other than being healthy.
But we all carry these preconceived notions. But, if you are a bottom, you have to come to terms with them pretty quickly in order to enjoy yourself. So, yeah, I take fiber gummies, Pure for Men and I clean out pretty well too.
But it’s fucking work and even if it is perfect it is not usually appreciated or mentioned.
Geeker
I shame sluts equally no matter their roll thank you very much.