“Please be WHO YOU ARE… Do it for yourself. Do it for your happiness. That’s what matters in YOUR life. You don’t need approval on who you are. Don’t let people or society change who you are just because they’re not satisfied with your image.”
Those are the final words of Ash Haffner, left behind on his iPad. The 16-year-old trans boy from North Carolina jumped into oncoming traffic near his home in Indian Trail on Thursday, February 26th.
His mother, April Quick, found the body, and attributes her child’s suicide to years of bullying by Ash’s peers. She says it got even worse when Ash recently decided to begin transitioning, cut his hair short, and asked to go by “he.”
Speaking to WSOC-TV, April showed support for Ash, but still used “she” to refer to him.
“Ash had been so strong for years,” said Quick. “Ash started enduring the most bullying when she cut her hair short.”
Ash’s death is heartbreakingly reminiscent of Leela Alcorn’s, the Ohio trans teen who also jumped into traffic. Part of her suicide note read, “The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender.”
Ash is the fourth transgender teen to commit suicide in the US in 2015.
A 15-year-old trans boy from Georgia, Zander Mahaffey, and Melonie Rose, 19, a Maryland trans girl, also killed themselves last month.
h/t: GayStarNews
Giancarlo85
I’m not sure why his mom didn’t refer to him as male.
At any rate, we even see discrimination from members of the gay community towards trans people. Even on this site. It’s quite disturbing and hypocritical.
This is a sad story I feel should have been avoided. Not enough is being done to help young LGBT people, while big organizations like HRC are fixated on marriage. Equal marriage is great, but we really need to get back to the basics.
Cam
@Giancarlo85:
And we’ve seen multiple attacks on LGB’s on this site from transgendered people so lets not try to pretend.
As for this kid, it sounds like not only was he dealing with some pretty horrible stuff at school, but it sounds like his mother wasn’t really all there yet in accepting him. The poor guy didn’t see a way out, it’s such a shame that people in his situation feel that this is their only way out. So much more needs to be done to change this, from emergency shelters, to forcing schools to take action to protect these vulnerable kids before they get to this point.
The article also said that Ash is the 4th Transgender teen to commit suicide in the U.S. in 2015. My guess is the number is a hell of a lot higher than that.
Giancarlo85
@Cam: From that transparency troll? I don’t even believe that troll is trans.
Well 4th reported suicide… there are a lot more than that.
sfbeast
These stories just break my heart.
Louis
Heartbreaking this needs to stop period.
The past few days alone the divisiveness and intolerance ive seen when it comes to feminine gay dudes speaks for itself as to how much work their still is left to be done in this community.
RIP Ash Haffner may HE respect in peace.
DoitforAsh
Please don’t attack a grieving mother out of YOUR ignorance. Ash was gender-neutral when it came to pronouns, tended to use female, and signed HER suicide note as Ashlyn. Please direct your vitriol toward the real villains here.
PLEASE SHARE: A STATEMENT FROM ASH HAFFNER’S MOTHER: If you take the time to read Ash’s letter to society, which stated “I had a loving mother who FULLY accepted me for who I was and NEVER stopped trying”, and gather your facts, you will see that Ash had the FULL support of her family. Additional recent statements posted by Ash stated that she was “having a rough time trying to figure out who she was”. That she says “I don’t know what I am”, I’m confused”. That “she’s trying to figure it out & just wanted people to BE THERE FOR HER”. These statements were addressed to those who made fun of her and did not support her during her time of self discovery. Had Ash decided that the male pronoun “HE” was the preferred pronoun, I as her mother would have been her FIRST and BIGGEST supporter and would have continued to love her unconditionally and honor her choice. At the time of Ash’s passing, she did not have a definitive pronoun preference. Therefore, you are not incorrect in whichever pronoun choice you choose to use in however YOU knew Ash. But you ARE INCORRECT in thinking or stating that I am disrespecting my child by not using the specific pronoun “HE” exclusively. I ask that you please have respect for Ash and our family and not continue to pass judgment on her/his identity as society constantly did before her tragic death. I also ask that you refrain from negative posts regarding Ash or her family who FULLY supported her. I also ask that you familiarize yourself with the term “TRANSGENDER” : of or relating to people who have a sexual identity that is not clearly male or clearly female. Those of you who are posting negativity are showing the prime example of what is wrong in our society. You are passing judgment and making statements without even knowing the true circumstances or facts. I “WILL NOT” tolerate any negative slander or false statements by ANY individual, news outlet, media source, etc., printed or spoken and I will deal with any of those issues accordingly. ASH WAS MY WORLD!! Sincerely, April Quick (Ash’s mother)
Giancarlo85
@DoitforAsh: I did not know. Sorry.
TriForceKid1013
So why not take advice written in the suicide note.
DoitforAsh
@Giancarlo85: I know these things are complicated and not always clear, but let’s not let our pain lead us to be bullies ourselves.
Thanks for your understanding.
Cam
@DoitforAsh:
Please don’t try to coopt the word “Bully”, to mean somebody asking legitimate questions or disagreeing with somebody.
A transgender person reading the article, and expressing frustration with an aspect of it because of their own experience isn’t being a “Bully”, they are responding to things in their own lives that were hard on them, such as a parent who wouldn’t accept them.
cflekken
@TriForceKid1013: Such a cogent statement. But it may speak to the point that Ash had reached where he felt he no longer had the strength to hold his head up high and be who he was. Maybe his intention was to give others an affirmative statement before they ever got to the same point he reached. Hopefully he has found his peace.
Giancarlo85
@DoitforAsh: Never at any point was I being a bully. And certainly not in my first post.
DoitforAsh
@Giancarlo85: I meant that statement in a generality, not at you in particular. This woman has endured considerable abuse for using female pronouns on other sites. Some of the ganging up and and hateful comments certainly are bullying when directed toward a grieving woman who did the best she knew how.
Forgive me if I’m overly sensitive in this matter as my own child lost a very good friend in Ash Haffner.
TriForceKid1013
@cflekken: I get that but I always find it a bit weird when people who end up killing themselves try to give others a positive message. Its counter productive in my opinion take some of what you are trying to give to other people and use it yourself. This is from someone who has actually tried to.kill himself at.one point it’s just something I never understand.
jason smeds
This is terribly sad but I also think the GLBT community needs to take some responsibility for this. The GLBT community pushes an agenda that is based on distortions. One of these distortions is that you can change your gender by changing the way you do your hair.
I also think there may have been some personality issues involved. People who have no sexuality or gender issues at all often commit suicide because of personality issues.
In any case, any bullies involved in this need to be arrested and incarcerated.
TriForceKid1013
@jason smeds: I think the last sentence is a bit much you can’t put kids in jail for basically doing what kids do “bullying” isn’t a new thing and it most cases I think is falsely labeled and people just try to use it as a scapegoat when they can’t think of anything else. It even says it didn’t really ramp up until she/he cut his/her hair in which case it was probably more teasing then bullying. People made fun of me when I started shaving my head doesn’t mean I felt bullied or want them locked up for it.
Saint Law
@jason smeds: There ought to be a lock on your key-board.
Reading your posts is like watching an impotent wanking in public just for the Hell of it.
Cam
@jason smeds:
What a shock, Jason, the guy who always defends right wing anti-gay bigots wants to blame the victim for being bullied.
polarisfashion
I wish bullying was illegal and that this kid’s tormenters were charged with a hate crime. Maybe if we started sending bullies to juvie we would see bullying rates drop really fast. Teen suicide from bullying is a real problem in this country and I wish we would wake up and do something about it!
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: You really need to work on your sentence structure. And stop blaming the victim, shitbag.
Jacob23
It’s hard to find a pattern in these 4 suicides. In this case, it seems that there was a good relationship with the parent, and that bullying was the primary cause. In the case of Zander Mahaffey, the suicide notes makes no mention of bullying and instead makes it very clear that he blames his mother, with whom he had a really bad relationship. In the case of Leelah Alcorn, as with Mahaffey, the suicide note makes no mention of any bullying. The note discusses problems with parents, but it does not identify those problems as a reason for the suicide; the driver seems to have been despair over the idea that she wouldn’t look good as a woman or be able to find a mate. I am not sure about the circumstances surrounding the Melonie Rose suicide. In 2 of the cases, Zander and Leelah, there was a lot time spent on Tumblr. I don’t know if Ash or Melonie were part of that scene. Although all 4 were transgender, there’s variation here as well: 2 were “transwomen” 1 was a “transman” and 1 was gender neutral (which I believe is referred to as “neutrois”).
Maybe the common thread is a lack of what psychologists call “resilience” – the ability to marshal resources to cope with life’s stress. Whether the stress comes from bullies or your mother or a fear of your future love life, you have to find a way to cope with it and carry on.
DarkZephyr
@Jacob23: But bullying is bullying whether your parents are the bullies or classmates. And I am not entirely sure what these so called “distinctions” you have listed have to do with “resilience” anyway.
Jacob23
@DarkZephyr: “Bullying is bullying” is a tautology. What you are really trying to say is that a parent-child conflict is the same as peer bullying. It isn’t. But even if you want to pretend that they are the same, bullying still wouldn’t be a commonality in all 4 cases. The point about resilience does not have to do with the distinctions, but was my attempt to identify a commonality. In each of the 4 cases, there was stress, albeit from different sources, and in each case, there was an inability to cope with and process the stress. If you develop a person’s resilience, then he or she can deal with stress whether it comes from parents or peers or from life’s circumstances.
JROBGF
@jason smeds: The biggest bullies, the biggest homophobes, come from within our own community. A applaud your statement, Jason. Stopping hatred starts at home. (Okay, perhaps, more importantly, hatred stops at homo.)
inbama
@Jacob23:
Resilience?
Even without the bullying, can you imagine dealing with all this gender business as a child?
Billysees
@Cam:
“…it’s such a shame that people in his situation feel that this is their only way out. So much more needs to be done to change this, from emergency shelters, to forcing schools to take action to protect these vulnerable kids before they get to this point.”
Important comment.
DoitforAsh
By all accounts, Ash was a wonderful friend and shared love freely with others. She was a member of the (pathetically small) GSA group at school and could always be counted on to support others. She had a perhaps small, but fiercely loyal group of friends who returned that love to her.
It’s heartbreaking that she could not give that same love to herself. It’s not possible to rationalize the thoughts and actions of someone in the depths of depression. But given the circumstances, letter and manner of death I don’t think martyrdom can be discounted as a factor.
DoitforAsh
@Jacob23: Yes, Ash apparently spent time on those Tumblrs and was online friends with some of the others.
Clark35
@TriForceKid1013: I was wondering that myself. It’s not surprising that this kid was into Tumblr just like the other gay/Trans kid Leelah/Josh that killed himself/herself.
rickhfx
Str8 people and or religion = HATE. The road is long and we are no where near the end. Never forget never excuse and never back down. Call str8 people and religion out when ever you are confronted with their ignorance and hate.
DoitforAsh
If anyone can or wants to help out:
Support the “Time Out Youth” program in Charlotte NC, as requested in obit:
http://donatenow.networkforgood.org/timeoutyouth
Donate to help Ash’s family with funeral expanses:
http://www.gofundme.com/AshHaffnerMemorial
@rickhfx: Way to alienate the potential allies. I understand your frustration, but making alliances are the only way forward. We all need more love and less anger.
charleyp_1999
What the fuck is wrong with these kids today. I blame the fucking parents for not parenting their kids. It’s parents’ faults. They coddled them too much and made them into a bunch of pansies and wimps. These kids need to grow some fucking skin. No kid sticks up for themselves anymore. I was bullied as a kid as well for being gay but I certainly didn’t go kill myself because I couldn’t take it. I got into plenty of fights. won some.. lost some.. but I still came out on top because these asshole bullies knew that if they wanted to start something.. I was going to finish it.
I’m pretty sure that a lot of people are going to blast me for this.. but these kids are fucking stupid idiotic morons. You make a temporary problem into a permanent solution. you’ve got 2 choices.. either you toughen yourselves up and grow some thicker skin.. or you go kill yourself and take the easy way out..
nuff said..
Doughosier
Gay kids who can’t “pass” always have a tougher time in adolescence. Living in the South probably made it worse. A terrible tragedy.
McShane
@charleyp_1999:
Holy sh!t! Are you drunk? So you have thick skin, huh? Then you wont mind us all laughing at your weird little dick, right?
https://fr.chaturbate.com/photo_videos/photo/big/charleyp_1999/997641/
polarisfashion
@charleyp_1999: Growing up confused about my sexual orientation, I didn’t know how to stick up for myself. From day one, we have heterosexual lifestyle shoved down our throats. I didn’t understand at age 12 why I thought more about boys and not girls. I was called gay and fag so I denied who I was because I wanted to be normal. It didn’t work and those awful names they called me still haunt me but I managed to repress most of it. Part of why I’m atheist is I begged God everyday to make it stop and it never did. Please don’t judge these kids that can’t take it anymore and know no other way to make the pain stop. Some us are strong and can overcome the demons that assail us, some of us are not. I really wish my parents understood what was happening to me and connected the dots to tell me early on that I am gay and this is what it means and they still love me and this is how you stick up for yourself.
Giancarlo85
@charleyp_1999: You’re demented. You somehow blame the parents? Listen up shithead, I was bullied every day and I had no support from others. I was out there alone in my high school. I had like one friend. Sure I tried to stand on my own and stand up for myself, but that ended up with me being beaten up and harassed even further. Getting into fights doesn’t solve a damn thing. You sound like that guy that tried to go all crazy on me when he thought I cut him off… he wanted to fight me. Get back to reality.
McShane, that really was uncalled for.
Giancarlo85
@Giancarlo85: That incident with the guy wanting to fight me occurred when I was driving. That idiot was like half a block away from me… went all crazy and shit.
But yea, come back to reality.
cflekken
@TriForceKid1013: Yes, definitely agree. What I’ve found in my experiences is that the people who preach the most have the most to hide. And in many instances, they are truly weak and broken. In many cases it’s because they have learned how to cope and survive through their brokenness and they share it with others. If you look at many authors (not all) of self-help books, they tend to come from challenged pasts. It’s unfortunate that someone like Ash wasn’t able to overcome his despair, but, hopefully in death he can inspires others.
Billysees
@rickhfx:
“Call str8 people and religion out when ever you are confronted with their ignorance and hate.”
A practical comment.
Don’t forget to remind them of the following —
ABOVE ALL, LOVE EACH OTHER DEEPLY, because love covers over a multitude of sins……..1 Peter 4:8
They need to be reminded of this…all the time…and we too.
Billysees
@DoitforAsh:
“…making alliances are the only way forward. We all need more love and less anger.”
Excellent comment.
Cam
@DoitforAsh:
Your comment insinuating that Ash killed Themself to become a martyr is beyond disgusting. Shame on you.
CCTR
How awfully sad, may this young child rest in peace.
For any other young folks who are being bullied try finding safe spaces with friends, family, and people that love you. Your life is precious and worth living no matter what the bullies say, or how confused you might be.
Billysees
@CCTR:
“For any other young folks who are being bullied, try finding safe spaces with friends, family, and people that love you. Your life is precious and worth living no matter what the bullies say, or how confused you might be.”
That’s a well worded and meaningful message. But it needs to be where it can easily be read and repeatedly read by our ‘young folks’. Apparently, even after the heavily advertised and participated in ‘It Gets Better’ campaign of a couple of years ago, these messages get lost or forgotten.
Billysees
@CCTR:
Here’s an article that contains information related to your comment.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/07/lgbt-inclusive-sex-education-_n_6819854.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices
tusgold
the “It Get’s Better” campaign by columist Dan Savage is the best foundation out there. It does save young lives I think after reading this I need to contribute $50. Dan Savagge is my hero!
tusgold
You make a very good point. I was just thinking how the problems you have being are nil compared to a transgender. Such a mind boggling thing. I just caan’t wrap my head around it. I know this will stick in my mind.
Clark35
@tusgold: No it’s not. Dan Savage and “it gets better” queens don’t really actually give a shit about LGBT&hetero at risk youth they just want fame and attention and to pretend they care. Savage is a bigot, hates bisexual people, hates trans people, hates black people, and isn’t any sort of leader for the LGBT community or LGBT youth who are at risk.
Clark35
@rickhfx: Heterosexual people and religion are not to blame. If a person commits suicide in the end it was their selfish choice to do this.
Clark35
@DoitforAsh: It sounds as though you’re just simply pretending to be this young man/woman’s mom, and are not really her/his parent at all.
Billysees
@Clark35:
“If a person commits suicide in the end it was their selfish choice to do this.”
I doubt that anyone would make suicide ‘their selfish choice’, in fact, I don’t think selfishness has anything to do with it. There must be other complicated factors that are not easy to understand by an outsider that are involved in such an act…lacking good family relationships, failed friendships, bad school experiences, bad religious experiences, unrewarding social experiences, lack of a close friendship, etc…