Trolling Tuesdays: Bodily Fluids, Kitchen Tools and So Much More!

While Dr. Fisher’s looking into love, countless queers are looking into getting off.

Yes, reader, it’s Tuesday, which means it’s time once again for a little somethin’ somethin’ we call Trolling Tuesdays: the very special section when we take a look at gay sex-verts to see what exactly people are looking for.

And, as you’ll see, it ain’t always pretty….

(And,as always, preemprive [sic])

Queers sure can get creative when it comes to carnality. Consider this New York-based chap who wants to get creative with his cutlery. The first sentence also doubles as his post’s title:

Fuck you in my apt with kitchen tools with anything i want .. you come over, bend over and i open you up .. not gonna use knives.. 28 in east village top 8c (not like i’m gonna use it, but maybe for the right guy)

Not going to use the knives? God, what a pussy! Good to know that eight-incher won’t get in the way of your fun, though. Hopefully you don’t have any dinner parties planned.

Meanwhile, another New York creative uses his particular talents to get what he really wants: theater tickets. Because, you know, will call’s such a pain in the ass.

I’m addicted to theatre and will do anything to earn theatre tickets. I’m poor and uneducated, so I’m offering my body to get what I really want. I’ll be your bitch slave. I’ll suck you off and swallow your cum. I’ll let you fuck my hole or fuck yours if you prefer. I’ll do anything to get the chance to see my favorite actors and actresses perform on stage.

“Poor and uneducated?” C’mon! Is this a joke? Maybe this particular poster’s a Queerty reader. If so, poster, you can thank us for not printing your phone number and name. We will, however, share the link.

Remember a few weeks ago when we featured the panty-loving man? Well, he has a friend in Dallas:

Looking to hook up w/ a guy that I JO with their wife/girlfriend panties, bras or other lingerie. I can host here or cum to your place. Looking to mostly Jo, can trade oral, and w/s as well. Just looking for other kinky guys that are intrested in this.

And we’re looking for answers: “what’s w/s”??

While we’re in the wild west, let’s take a look at an actual creative posting. As with the kitchen tool, this 54-year old Santa Fe troller uses his post’s title as the first sentence:

This shouldn’t be diff…Two attractive…in shape, good natured, fun, bright, relaxed, professionally successful and sexually versatile men meet.

They are attracted to one another. They go to bed. They are passionate, reciprocal,and energetic. Electricity and fireworks occur. If this scenario interests you, Get in touch. I qualify. Do you?

We’re afraid we don’t meet any of those criteria.

Now, we’ve read some pretty disgusting things in our lives, but this post, which the writer later removed, may take the frozen cake:

Hi Men. My boyfriend is away until Aug 1.
I want to make him a Cum Creamsicle as a “Welcome Home.”
I need your help producing my joy juice. Please send pix of your uncut cocks, stretched skin, a puddle of cum on your chest or your buddies face.
All entries will be greatly appreciated.
We are white dudes, but love Black guys and Latinos, too.
When my BF gets home, I will thaw it out –
all with my homemade lube! Thanks, men!

That’s vile. And, also, confusing. Do black and Latino men have different cum than white guys? We’ve never noticed.

Speaking of gross, check out another post that has since been removed. This chap hails from Snellville, Georgia:

Looking for a dominate man to verbally torement me until I am only a shell and then he is sitting on my head and yelling at me to open as he bears down and uses me as a toilet …I wanta get feed NOW

And, while we’re dealing with bodily waste, here’s another from Georgia (what’s with you guys?):

Lets not waste your precious time. Although I dont look it, Im Poz. Although I dont know for sure, You may be too. I dont expect you to be responsible for what I may do to you if we Play, I just expect you to be responsible for yourself and your own behavior. Yea, I know, what a bummer. Im 6.2 175 hairy body and face. I work out but am not a bodybuilder. I maintain what I have naturally. If you’re buff as hell, all the better. I can appreciate what you’ve accomplished. But thats not whats important. What is important is that you not be a total bottom/ be able to perform/ be able to reciprocate/and be able to spend some time with this hypersexed,dirty talking daddy, drinking and sucking and fucking maybe,taking turns hoseing each other down. Its hot outside! Let me rinse that load you got from that last cock you sucked off your face with some warm Clear running PISS! Let it fly Buddy! Also, I dont want beginners. unless you read up and know that piss has zero chance of transmission. Now a cummy wadd down your throat or up your ass? Thats up to you or Me. One more thing B4 you hit that reply button, Im only turned on by Masculine, hairy, WM. Send your pic and what part of this little Poem caught your attention with your 1st email and I’ll send mine back.

That’s a poem? Damn, we’ve missed out on some literary trends, huh? At least this man’s about responsible sex…sort of.

We think we’ve had enough for now – we may never eat again. Remember, readers, we love your help in gathering the most bizarre, imaginative and just plain wacky sex-verts. Send them our way and we’ll love you forever (which we already do).

Whatever you do, do it well and do it safe!!