Trolling Tuesdays: Special Appearance By An Oompa-Loompa

It’s that time again, readers: Trolling Tuesdays!

For those of you not familiar, TT, which sounds like tittie, features some of the more bizarre, troublesome, repulsive, odd and just plain sick sex-verts found around this crazy thing called the internet.

Prepare to be astounded…

It’s getting wet and wild in Craigslist. While most water sports players prefer the piss on them, this dude’s just looking to take a leak. A body’s just a bonus:

Lookin for a hot hairy dad type that will let me come over, drink a few beers, and take a piss wherever I want in your house – on the sofa, bed, carpet, in your mouth!

Good looking 34 – love hairy pissin dads! Love to get urinated on myself!

Let’s get wet, daddy!

We wonder if this guy’s safe sex package comes with stain remover. If not, it should. Unless he’s exceptionally well-hydrated, in which case he may only carry Febreze.

Meanwhile, down in Little Rock, Arkansas way, one lonely homo’s lusting for married dick. And, it seems, a dictionary. Or an AA meeting:

where are you that whant to play with a hot guy the guy you see in the groceryy store and movie store or on the street at a red lightt that you would love to suck and fuck this guy is me and u will not be disapointed i promise!!!!!nedd this now has to happen by 4:pm

First of all, what? Second of all, this guy sure gets around – the grocery store, movie store, street and a red light! Wait, Jesus, is that you?

While some of craigslist denizens remain dick-centric, one New York-based homo’s looking for love (Boyfriend Application). He’s not willing to settle for any old troll, however. He’s concocted an entire survey of potential Prince Charmings:

Hi. the title says it all. I would like to have a bf.
Tell me a little bit about yourself and I will return with mine.
Please also include your most recent picture.

where are you from originally?
Student? major: school:
Work? what you do:
fav food:
fav clothes/brands:
what do you like to do for fun?
are you out?
like going to gay bars?

Thanks much for reading.
talk to you soon!!

It’s worth noting that this particular poster’s a mere 24-years old. Poor sap’s already given up hope, it seems.

Apparently we’re not the only ones who like to have a bit of fun on craigslist. Consider the following reader-generated message (and accompanying picture, of course):

hey Boys… My name is Lester and I have just completed a four month program at a weight loss center here in Georgia, and boy did it pay off. Here is a new picture of me after I got out. Wow I feel like a new man, and ready to start swinging again wit the boys. Yep, I like em’ young, and I like em fresh. You like fried chicken? Well you found the right man! I can fry almost anything, beleive it or not! No bacon though, the doctor says, “hell No” to that! You like sitting around on the sofa, biting your own toenails, well have I got some fun in store for you. Do you like the swimmin poool, I got me one of those 40 gallon blow up ones from the Kmart. Works just fine. Just gotta keep the dogs out (if you know what I mean) Perfect for just the two of us. Yes sir, Nothing like cocktails by the poool. You like fine wine? I got me a whole box in the ice chest ready to go. You like romantic drives in the country? I got me a 25 H.P. Deere lawnmower, with a side car! Bet you never seen one of those before? You like takin nice long showers at sundown? Cause I just bought me a new 25 foot garden hose, with one of those fancy nozzles that will give you a massage quality wash-down. Now my trailor is pimped out two! I got me a real spring bed, a sit-down in-door toilet, and I had it all done in red valour decor’ (really makes the mood). So now you listen up. I know what you are sayin. How could I be so damn lucky to find this stud! You are, ain’t you? Well, I just like to share in god’s graces, and if you are just lucky enough, this could all be yours. FOR FREE! Heck, it’s like winnin the power ball. Now you young studs just go ahead and write to old Lester if you like, and I’ll keep the box of wine on the ice.

Lester’s one mere detail away from being our dream man. We’re willing to look past the bloating, unnatural red hue and boxed wine. We cannot, however, reconcile the fact that he can’t eat bacon, an essential component in not only our diet, but our collective sex life. Don’t ask…

Now, this next post’s a bit worrisome. The title’s “Re-Molest Me”. Could it be someone’s using C’List to relive a childhood trauma. It sure reads that way:

chronologically 38
psychosexually 14-15

sexually he was rough
but verbally he was pure evil
and got a big kick out of fucking w my mind

seriously looking to re-live ‘the good ol days’
preference for 20-30 range and hairy pecs, tho not as relevant as your malicious, perverted, knowledgeable/experienced attutude, as well as your physical strength (don’t need to be a muscledude, but i’m tough and sometimes put up a fight, so you’d better be tougher)

i’m a cleancut masculine white, 38 6’3 185
reply w your stats, pics and interests
(no one-sentence replies; i’m probably going to be picky)
(and no psychotherapy referrals needed … done all that)

Well, obviously this guy knows what he wants.

Speaking of knowing what one wants, one reader-generated post reads thus,

…Is it possible that there is at least one bottom guy from this site that already knows how to use soap, deodorant, and an enema? Three of you stinky slobs, in a row, have gotten poop in my bush and that is so not cool!

Guess the old adage stands: shit happens.