THIS BITES

True Blood Recap Roulette: The Sanguinista Crazytrain Keeps Chugging

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True BloodIn fact, you can’t swing a dead shapeshifter without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This Week: Screen caps!

 



When in doubt, strap a naked man to a table in your opening scene.



Before speaking to Sookie’s dead grandmother, Lafayette practices his smize.



Arlene is hoping her sad eyes will help her escape the Ifrit subplot.



“My agent demanded more camera time,” said Pam’s boobs.

Sweetie is The Dragon (leader of the super-hate group), and she doesn’t like being mistaken for that actress on Drop Dead Diva.

Nora is so high on religion that this rock is now her BFF.

Some people may be aroused, but I’m just distracted by how much his torso looks like a face.

Does anyone else think that Lilith is maybe a woman who forgot to shower after La Tomatina?

“Humans rule!” Hate group, we hardly had the time to hate you.

Terry kills Patrick. The Ifrit woman claims his body. We’re supposed to feel emotional, I think?

(This space intentionally left blank)

I’m glad that Jack White could take the time from whatever he’s doing to become the new sheriff of Area 5.

“Stick with me darling. I’ll give you the world.” And by world, Russell means a werewolf puppy.

Alcide! Good of you to stop driving and join those of us who are actively participating in this episode.

Bill is now Sanguinista. He punishes Eric by capturing him at gunpoint while the most mismatched exit music possible plays.

 

Jason Sweeten is a contributing writer for Queerty. Screen caps are just GIFs that don’t move, right?

 

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16 Comments

  • FINISHINNOVATION

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  • david

    …And Lafayette insists that he’s not Whoopi in “Ghost” while playing her.

  • hector

    It would be nice to have recaps from someone who actually likes the show.

  • Nat

    @hector:

    Is it not an incoherent trainwreck for those who consider it good?

  • jo

    Wonderful recap! I love your screen caps. Thank you, J. -Jo

  • MJ (different from the other one)

    is anyone else kind of upset that the one time we finally see penis in this show, and it’s NOT Alcide or Jason, but just some random naked victim who’s about to be eaten to death?

  • Red Meat

    I actually liked that upbeat song they played at the end…

  • Jaw

    I don’t get this new trend of gays kissing, on television of in real life. we used to just be gay and that was enough. now we have to shove it down everyones throats and make sure they all know we’re gay. how was this scene enhanced seeing these two dudes kissing? exactly.
    enough is enough.

  • TomMc

    @Jaw: I don’t the True Blood audience is the type that’d mind. Maybe I’m wrong though?

  • timncguy

    Fer gawd’s sake. If you’re going to give us a screen cap of the naked man on the table and they actually showed penis on the show, couldn’t you grab a screen cap that showed the penis?????

  • hector

    Down with kissing! lol

  • Urethra Franklin

    the song at the end was a Tears for Fears song, “everybody wants to rule the world”

  • Keith

    To be honest, the only thing I care about this epiosde was that spunky lil’ vamp techie Molly. She’d better not be killed off next episode.

  • Haha

    @Jaw: The fuc- are you talking about? This is the same show that gave viewers an eye-full of Sookie and Bill/Eric riding each other like it was the end of the world.

    Shove your self-hatred right back up your ass and stop letting it fly out of your mouth.

    Straight people kiss on this show, straight people have full sex scenes on this show. The best gays get is some kissing(from couples that aren’t even hot) and a faux sex scene that ended way too soon(and was the only hot sex scene on the show at that).

    You’re nuts.

  • Cam B

    “I ain’t gmail for dead bitches!” lol Omg, I Love me some Lafayette, I am so glad he’s back to his old fabulous self. I have to say this season wasn’t as bad as I originally thought, I sorta see why they had so many plots for the season 5 of True Blood, the characters story lines are all beginning to intertwine and connect with one another as if it was all one big domino effect. On another note, anyone else believe Lilith (or Salome) is a Half Fae-Half Vampire hybrid? in a strange way her blood had a similar affect on Bill and everyone else like Claudine did with Eric in the previous season. Just a hunch for those who are watching the new season.

  • schneile

    @Keith: Sadly….

Comments are closed.