True Blood Recap Roulette: The Trouble with Tara and Dead Werewolves

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead changeling without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This week: haikus!


We’ve experimented with screen caps and stick figures, so the obvious progression was toward Japanese verse. Yup. In this Recap Roulette, we’re serving you seventeen-syllable poetry (in 5-7-5 breaks, naturally) for this week’s episode True Blood, “Whatever I Am, You Made Me.” Let there be haikus!


Steve Newlin:
New Nan, stop the smirks.
You’re a baby, in vamp time.
End well, this will not.


Shirtless and with Bill.
Why is this scene not hotter?
There are harnesses!


Not in a gay way,
Husband leaves with his man friend.
Girl, you just can’t win.


Not to sound creepy:
You look fab in that coffin.
Blood tears, so fetching.


Debbie Pelt:
In death, still a pain.
This plot exists to distract
From ones with purpose.

Sheriff Bellefleur:
Chivalry, not dead.
“Here is a pic of my butt.
You wanna date me?”


Asks guy, “What are you?”
My wild guess? A fairy.
First clue: purple clothes.


Jason Stackhouse:
So hot for teacher.
Oh wait, sex makes him feel sad.
“No, Jessica. Stop.”


Behold, wonder boobs.
Talks seem to end with thrusting.
Other than that… yawn.


A thought: stay shirtless.
Sanguinistas have eyes, right?
Mainstreaming… it’s done!


Why your food so yum?
“Mix magic of dead boyfriend
With gallon of bleach.”


I’m no lawyer, but
“Tried to shoot me in my home”
Is a strong defense.


Tara Thorton:
Silly vampire,
UVs are for the humans
Who prefer tan-deaths.


Photo credit: John P. Johnson/HBO

Jason Sweeten writes / mostly TV for Queerty /  But always for you.