THIS BITES

True Blood Recap Roulette: The Trouble with Tara and Dead Werewolves

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead changeling without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This week: haikus!

 

We’ve experimented with screen caps and stick figures, so the obvious progression was toward Japanese verse. Yup. In this Recap Roulette, we’re serving you seventeen-syllable poetry (in 5-7-5 breaks, naturally) for this week’s episode True Blood, “Whatever I Am, You Made Me.” Let there be haikus!

 


Steve Newlin:
New Nan, stop the smirks.
You’re a baby, in vamp time.
End well, this will not.

 

Eric:
Shirtless and with Bill.
Why is this scene not hotter?
There are harnesses!

 

Arlene:
Not in a gay way,
Husband leaves with his man friend.
Girl, you just can’t win.

 

Pam:
Not to sound creepy:
You look fab in that coffin.
Blood tears, so fetching.

 

Debbie Pelt:
In death, still a pain.
This plot exists to distract
From ones with purpose.

Sheriff Bellefleur:
Chivalry, not dead.
“Here is a pic of my butt.
You wanna date me?”

 

Jessica:
Asks guy, “What are you?”
My wild guess? A fairy.
First clue: purple clothes.

 

Jason Stackhouse:
So hot for teacher.
Oh wait, sex makes him feel sad.
“No, Jessica. Stop.”

 


Salome:
Behold, wonder boobs.
Talks seem to end with thrusting.
Other than that… yawn.

 

Roman:
A thought: stay shirtless.
Sanguinistas have eyes, right?
Mainstreaming… it’s done!

 

Lafayette:
Why your food so yum?
“Mix magic of dead boyfriend
With gallon of bleach.”

 

Sookie:
I’m no lawyer, but
“Tried to shoot me in my home”
Is a strong defense.

 

Tara Thorton:
Silly vampire,
UVs are for the humans
Who prefer tan-deaths.

 

Photo credit: John P. Johnson/HBO

Jason Sweeten writes / mostly TV for Queerty /  But always for you.

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