Turns Out That God Did Actually Create Adam And Steve

So one night I caused [Adam] to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load bearing one.

And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest;

Yea, and a power bottom.

And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal…

Now the snake was more closeted than any animal in the Garden; literally on the down flow; for though he oft hissed his desire to mate with comely serpentesses, yet he lisped, and fretted over his skin care, and could not have looked more phallic if he’d had balls for a rattle.

… One day he slithered unto Steve and said, “Steve! ‘Tsup? Hey, random question for thee: Hast thou ever eaten the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful? ‘Cause I hear it’s some quality produce!”…

And so Steve ate of the tree; and he bid Adam eat of it; and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them, and also filled them with white hot lust; and they entwined themselves unceasingly until dawn.

(For it was and remains true, that all aspects of sexual activity grow more pleasurable following their moral condemnation.)

– God explains the totally true story creating Adam and Steve in his upcoming memoir, The Last Testament (ghostwritten by former Daily Show head writer David Javerbaum)