From the I’m From Driftwood coming out series comes this share by gay teen Albert. He talks about two reactions he got to coming out, and why they were the absolute wrong things to say.
The first involves his Aunt Maryanne, who seemed to be pleased as punch to “have a gay in the family.” Albert points out that even that phrase — “a gay in the family” — has its issues, but since he sees it as her way of trying to contextualize, is still able to call their interaction a “pleasant one.”
That is, until she drops this bombshell:
“You’re already ‘Albert the Jew’…When’s it going to be OK to call you ‘Albert the faggot’?”
Never, Aunt Maryanne. NEVER.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Next comes a more typical sounding experience with a peer who has this to say to Albert:
“You know…it’s so great that you’re not like insert high school ‘flamer’ here>>.”
Albert, for his part, had the perfect reply. “Fuck off.”
See his video here:
restoretherainbow
The most important thing anyone can say to someone who has come out is, “Congratulations on finding the strength and courage to live and speak your truth.”
It’s unfortunate that anyone has to be educated about not asking if they can call someone they claim to love a “faggot.” That seems to be a deeper more complex mental health issue. With regard to the second comment, yes, it definitely exposes a certain level of homophobia as well and is far from being supportive.
However, when there are those who make those comments it does serve as a powerful opportunity to educate these individuals and hopefully help them to become better people.
AtticusBennett
YUP!
i’ll add to this: during their coming out process, don’t make asinine comments like “why are you so ‘gay’ now? why did you have to change just because you came out?”
that’s something that a lot of clueless straights, and their weak gay counterparts, like to tout as some false narrative: “You came out and then the gay community made you change and you became a stereotype”
it’s a load of B.S. know why people “change” after they come out? because they’re no longer censoring or editing themselves in any way to “not seem gay”, that’s why.
i had to school a brat a while ago who was complaining that his gay friend “was becoming a stereotype, he used to hate lady gaga and now he listens to her and got gayer” – yeah. because he couldn’t listen to her before because you dumb@sses would think “it would mean he was gay” – and he’s being “gayer” because he’s not pretending to be straight anymore. so back off, let him do everything he never let himself do before, and don’t you dare put limitations on how “gay” he’s allowed to be in order to still get your respect or friendship.
gauty
You are not Buzzfeed. Lay off the clickbaity titles.
Kieran
Well doesn’t every Jewish boy have an “Aunt Maryanne” who calls him “the Jew” and wants to know if she can call him “faggot” now that he’s come out?
Hey Aunt Maryanne the old bag, STFU already.
GraciesDaddy
My response: “Right after we can call you ‘Aunt Maryanne the BITCH!'”
Ken A.
I personally have no problem with “faggot” even if it is said rather mean. I usually consider the source of someone trying to be dominant and looking ridiculous, it is really quite amusing to see their reaction to the smirk on my face. On the other hand I also find it amusing how we’ve reached a level of tolerance to a high degree yet it comes with straight people’s rules. It is OK if you’re gay as long as you do not act like (feel in the blank). When people find out I’m gay, the usual response is, “You do not look gay.” Which of course begs the question. “What do gays look like?” “Well you know, Uh, you know.” “No I do not know, so tell me.” And it ends there, hanging in the breeze.
Chris
The best response is: Welcome.
If you have to be snide/snarky, then try: What took you so long? Everyone else already knew.
I have come to realize that we can over-react in the name of “supporting” someone as well. I know many guys who came out later in life — as in post children and post ugly-divorce. Many of them tried making up for lost time by seeking their soul mates. I made the mistake of showing that I was being supportive and listening, as (what I thought was) a friend, to some of them, and then having to extricate myself from unreasonable expectations. Looking back, I now see that the best thing I could have done was to let them do their own things, throw condoms and lube at them as needed, have after-the-heartbreak drinks with them, and let them find their own ways to wherever they may end up.
jmfyrebourne
Actually the best thing a straight person can say to a friend or family member who comes out to them is these three words: “I don’t care.” It shows the person you love and/or accept them unconditionally and that you will not treat them any differently for knowing they are gay. When I first started coming out this was the response that always made me the happiest.
blackberry finn
@GraciesDaddy: LOL
MarionPaige
Isn’t it perverse that there is now an “assumption” that acknowledging that you are gay should be followed by a pubic declaration that you are gay? It’s like for a generation of gay media, every since thing they’ve done has been fucked
I'm Black, and HIV-Positive.
My sister said, “I already knew” (bless her heart), and everyone else said, “It’s just a phase.”
jantheman4903
its been 30 yrs and it still bothers me. told my sister (my best friend) and she was great till she said “am just glad you are not one that acts all..swishy n stuff”. i laughed but thought “what if i was, would I embarass you or would you still accept me”.
JohnMc888
Wow. I’m happy for you. Can I give you hug? I hope this doesn’t change our friendship.
Geoff B
My sister when she decided to let me know she knew via text: So how’s (fiancee’s name)? Me: Ummm…? Her: i’m not stupid, call me when you guys are in town, we’ll have dinner. Love you, and I know I’ll love him too. Call me later bitch! Xoxo
LadyL
@Geoff B: AWESOME. Tell your sister I love her!
NateOcean
hmmm.
Didn’t Albert tell Julian to “fuck off” for his judgmental anti-comparison to “X”, when just 30 seconds earlier in this clip, Albert himself said he was terrified to associate with the flamboyant “X”?
Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.
——————————-
Usually, when on those rare occasions I find myself telling somebody that I’m gay, I just follow it with, “And, no, that doesn’t mean you get a free blow job.”
Then we finish having lunch and return to the lab to debug some microprocessor circuits.
Wiltz
I am scared as hell to come out…I will appreciate reactions or responses like what jmfyrebourne has said… ‘I Dont Care’. 🙂
Curtispsf
When I came out to my parents, my father took a matter of fact approach asking me things like have you had sex with guys? (yes, dad) have you had sex with girls? (yes, dad and I don’t need to sleep with another woman to know that I like guys). “Oh, well that’s settled, then,” he said. He then proceeded to ask me “who was the first guy I had sex with and how old I was when it happened.” My answer: “You don’t really want to know and won’t believe me” which only piqued his interest more. I then proceeded to tell him I was 14 and had been sleeping with “Jimmy” who was 2 years older and lived just 3 houses down the block from age 14 to 16 until Jimmy left for college.
Our families were great friends and we had been boyfriends right under their noses for 2 years with no one any wiser. Everyone thought we were best friends…we were, but there was alot more. “Oh,” said my Dad “now I think I understand why Jimmy spent so many nights sleeping here”.
My father couldn’t believe it was Jimmy. He was a beautiful guy and Captain of the high school football team, etc. It didn’t compute with his belief that you could tell “who was gay and who was not”. And the idea that someone who was SO into sports could be gay just blew him away. “Well,” he said. “I’m glad it was someone we all liked”. Now, we’ve got to tell your Aunt Mary. Her response when I told her: “All this time I was trying to set you up with nice Italian girls when I should have been introducing you to nice Italian guys”. Best response…ever.
Curtispsf
@Wiltz: Best advice I can give if you’re frightened to come out, is to NOT tell everyone at once. Start with one close friend or sibling you can trust. Once you realize that people who care about you will STILL love you and you have some confidence, you will know when YOU are ready. For me, the fear of coming out was much much greater than the reality of what I experienced but be ready for the irrational. In my case, it was an older “bored again” Christian who tried to poison the water with my parents. To their credit, they didn’t listen. Best of luck…and remember to just love yourself so others can love you too.
LadyL
@Wiltz: I agree with Curtispsf–start with at least one person you’re close to and feel you can trust. One supportive, protective sibling, cousin or friend can make all the difference as you take those first steps forward.
Keep in mind, as Curtispsf says, that the fear of what will happen when you come out often far outweighs the reality. That was my experience too. Some people will shrug. Some will be very curious and eager to show you how cool they are with gay. (Try to be patient with them; they mean well.) Generally speaking straight folks are much more understanding and accepting than they used to be, and most of the ones who aren’t have learned to be careful about what they say, not wishing to be called out as a bigot.
If you are living in an ultra-conservative and/or hyper-religious environment you’re right to be cautious (beware the deadly Self-Loathing Closet Case!) but try not to despair; the support is out there (sometimes in unexpected places) if you look for it.
And good luck, sweetie.
Peter McKinney
Just don’t turn your coming out into an annoying, decade long event.