A heartbroken husband was completely blindsided by his wife’s sudden request for a separation, so he’s seeking advice from Trish Murphy, a psychotherapist who writes for the Irish Times.
“Recently my wife said she wants to separate after eight years of marriage, and has been to a solicitor,” the letter begins. “She doesn’t seem to want to discuss the reasons why she wants to separate, simply saying she doesn’t love me any more.”
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Though he’s not 100% sure why she wants to break up, the man has a suspicion. It all started about two years ago when his old college roommate stopped by for a visit.
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“This chap, who is openly gay, told my wife about a one-night stand we had when we were students,” the man explains. “At the time my wife was furious and I explained to her the truth as I see it. This was something that happened impulsively, I don’t necessarily have regrets about it, but neither do I identify as gay or bisexual.”
He goes on to say that the reason he mentioned the hookup to his wife before was because it simply didn’t cross his mind.
“I had never really given it much thought,” he says.
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Eventually, he wife got over it. But then six months ago, he went on an innocent business trip with a male colleague who happens to be gay and, he writes, “she started to question my sexuality again.”
“I love my wife and our family life,” the man says. “I don’t want it to end like this. I grew up in a broken home and me and my siblings suffered as a result of our parents break up. I don’t want this for our children.”
He wonders: “How do I persuade her that I love her and have no desire for anyone else, female or male?”
In her response, Trish Murphy says the whole situation can be boiled down to one thing: Trust.
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“Trust is created when people are honest with each other and when there is consistency in the relationship,” she says. “You may not even be aware of your dishonesty in terms of not telling your wife as you see some things as unimportant–it is possible you did not speak for fear of conflict or break-up.”
Wait… what? Is Trish honestly suggesting that because this dude didn’t provide his wife with a detailed report of his entire sexual history prior to their meeting, including inconsequential one night stands that happened in college, he’s somehow to blame for her obvious homophobia?
Trish continues: “She may not trust that you are fully engaged in your intimacy. It might also be true that you are not willing to fully explain this as you do not really understand it yourself.”
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Hmmm. Apparently Trish missed the part of the letter where the guy said the whole hookup was a one-time thing that “happened impulsively” more than a decade ago, that he doesn’t regret it, but that he also doesn’t “identify as gay or bisexual.” Sometimes people experiment.
Trish concludes by telling the guy it would be “worthwhile for you to take responsibility” and to “demonstrate that you are self-aware enough to do your part in creating changes that might make the marriage worth saving.”
What do you think of Trish’s advice? Sound off in the comments section below…
Chris
She needs to do a lot of learning. Divorce her. She’s doing him a favor.
Jack Meoff
Why do people bother writing to these hacks for advice. If they were any good in their field they wouldn’t be writing responses to letters in some newspaper column.
Meanwhile I bet his sex life is just an excuse to get out of the marriage. She wants an out so she is latching on to this one issue and making it the cause.
Xzamilloh
Let her ass go. And Trish has a lot of nerve trying to put the onus on the guy, when it should be on the dumb wife for leaving over something that was prior to them even meeting and a one time thing, and the messy-ass friend who thought to tell his friend’s wife that they hooked up. Why would that even come up unless that gay friend was feeling salty? Get a new girl, and a new friend, because both of them suck.
hornymouth
He’s lucky to have her leave. Sounds like he can do a lot better.
Paco
What was the point of the old college “roommate” telling the wife about a one night stand with her husband? I guess the old college “roommate” was feeling a bit jealous and needed to start some drama.
rand503
So let’s see: Husband has been loyal and faithful his entire marriage, and SHE wants to break the vows of “for better and for worse” and break up the family because what — he didn’t detail every sexual encounter prior to marriage?
Sorry but let’s put the blame for breaking this family squarely where it belongs — on the holier than thou wife. He should get the kids in any divorce, and they should realize their mom is an insecure shrew who broke up the family for no reason at all.
ErikO
@rand503: Exactly.
davidjohng
So lets switch the genders here. I cant imagine a husband leaving his wife of eight years because he finds out she had a one-night stand with another woman years ago in college. Men are stigmatized much, much more harshly about fluidity in their sexuality and their sexuality in general. Men are judged very harshly if they stray from the so-called str8 and narrow in their gender roles, a situation rarely talked about in the topic of sexism and it’s effects.
Captain Obvious
I love how everyone is immediately in defense of this guy when you only have half the story… which reads like a lie.
Old college roommate you only slept with once tracking down your wife to tell her all your business? More like ngry current lover telling the wife everything because he hopes his boyfriend will stop living in the closet.
There’s a reason she’s flipping out and it’s not because it’s all in her imagination. There are closeted guys all over the place refusing to come out because they don’t want to be seen as less of a man.
Suddenly she’s a homophobe for feeling lied to. Please…
radiooutmike
Yes, he should consider himself lucky to be rid of the close-minded woman.
There is always a high price to be paid, if you as a heterosexual man admit to a woman you had a fling/hookup with another guy. You could be dating for several weeks/months or be married for several years or decades– the result is usually the same. You get, at the very very least, rejection and you have to repudiate the experience and promise that you aren’t gay. The only time I ever had any sort of understanding about my dalliances was when I was younger and I was going out with a woman who was bi. Even then, after we parted ways, I was gay-shamed by her to my next girlfriend.
So, all those ‘nice’ girls you marry can be awful when something like this is revealed.
This poor dude, he just had one experience years ago and this is what he gets…? This is how deep homophobia is from straight, married women. And this, this is the kind that deeply affects straight and bisexual men. Gay, straight or bi; every man has probably been called a ‘fag’ or ‘homo’ in their lives at some point from some d-bag male peer. But most guys aren’t ready from an attack on their masculinity and manhood from their wife.
radiooutmike
@Captain Obvious: Being lied to? If we take everything on the level; the only thing this guy did was a sin of omission. A straight guy can not win in this situation.
If he says when dating a woman early on, “Hey, I hooked up with a guy a long time ago”; most woman are going to look at that guy strangely. Very few straight women are NOT going to say, “Hey, no problem.” Most women are going to think, “Why did he tell me that?” or “What else is he hiding?” So, the easiest thing to do would be not to say anything at all.
Truth is stranger than fiction, sure there are a lot of married guys in the closet for whatever reason. And who knows, maybe this dude is one of them. But there are probably some guys out their who have had same-sex experiences before they settled down who are not homophobic at all and just went on with their lives as well.
radiooutmike
@radiooutmike: @radiooutmike: That ‘NOT’ should not have been there.
Paco
@radiooutmike: Apparently the trouble making old college “roommate” hasn’t moved on from the “one night stand”. He, for some reason, felt the wife should know about her husband’s past. Wonder why he felt that information was so important to share?
tghost54
I would see if she would go to a marriage counselor.
She feels lied to that he deliberately kept this from her, when he simply forgot.
Now her overactive mind will think every business trip is an orgy of gay sex.
every time he’s late from work it’s a back alley zipper fight.
The seed has been planted. Also her perception of his manhood has likely changed too.
I’m sorry but the wife seems to emotionally immature to salvage the marriage.
Billy Budd
She is a bitch. Ditch her and don’t pay alimony. Keep the kids for yourself.
Scribe38
I get forgetting or not thinking about someone you banged in the past, but I’m calling b.s. his story. Once the college bud contacted you to visit a course that one night stand would fire up in the old memory bank. I’m not saying he owed the wife the story, he doesn’t, but come on don’t have the dude you banged come to your house with your wife and kids.
Also this dude’s penis is so good that a college roommate comes to visit and tells his wife that they once hooked up? In the chances they get back together? For revenge for not hooking up again? At least 8 yrs have passed, I’m sure the “gay dude” has moved on. I just think something else was going on, for the roommate to wreck dude’s life.
Xzamilloh
Right… why defend a guy when you only have one side of the story when you can pull the other side completely out of your ass. Well, it’s that Obvious, now isn’t it?
Brian
Women are intimidated by male homosexual desires. Such desires destroy girl power, a woman’s ability to set the tone and pace of a heterosexual relationship.
Women might tolerate the secluded, segregated, self-pitying gay-identifying guy. Sometimes they even go shopping with him. However, once you introduce male homosexual desires into the men they date, even if from the past, it terrifies women.
Women can be very homophobic in this regard.
CaliKyle
@Captain Obvious: You can frequently be counted on to voice the angry lady viewpoint. Yes, we are only getting his side of the story but females overreacting to male sexual experimentation – even if its well in the past – is a huge reason guys keep quiet about same sex hook ups. Yet they feel free to brag about any and all girl on girl action as if its a rite of passage or badge of honor. Its hypocrisy meets intense jealousy. They figure they can compete with another female but know they cannot do the same with other males.
Bob LaBlah
From the article: ““This chap, who is openly gay, told my wife about a one-night stand we had when we were students,” the man explains.”
Here is what I am willing to bet happened. The wife stands/sits there thru the reunion making smart-ass remarks, rolling her eyes and sighing heavily at every thing this openly gay man said. The husband stands there and says nothing. The guy decides that is the last time he will ever see his friend again and since he decides to say nothing regarding her rude behavior he leave a “good-bye” for their asses to looooong remember. lol
Kangol
It sounds like someone copied this straight off one of the episodes of Issa Rae’s amazing series Insecure. A very similar revelation led one of the women to decide she couldn’t date an otherwise wonderful guy with whom she clicked emotionally and sexually.
Captain Obvious
@radiooutmike: A straight guy would win in that situation because a straight guy isn’t going to sleep with other guys. Not sure why you’re so defensive about this.
@Xzamilloh: Ah another passive aggressive remark from you even when I say nothing to you. I guess you got triggered as usual. I never asked you to agree with my every comment but you can’t help yourself you just have to start crap. Grow up.
@CaliKyle: I have my own point of view. You don’t have to agree so quit ranting at me about it. This isn’t political. Should women not get a side? In your world the answer is clearly no.
Xzamilloh
@Captain Obvious: Look at the history of our comments and tell me which one of us is the “triggered” one. The straight hypocrisy of your comment on the hockey player story when YOU eagerly engage in calling people (namely me) all kinds of n-words, f-words, and et cetera. Or do you selectively remember things? Yeah, why don’t YOU grow up?
JerseyMike
I would never tell my ex boyfriend’s current partner that we are still sleeping together. the college roommate talks to much..
seaguy
She’s a c*nt divorce her before you suffer anymore dude.
Captain Obvious
@Xzamilloh: Ah I see you’re triggered, hung up on OLD internet arguments, and can’t move on because this is clearly all you have in your life which is why you even remember it. Grow up, still stands. Adding get a life for good measure. You’re pathetic. About as low in the gutter as I’m gonna get with you. We don’t know each other, stop pretending to have some sort of rivalry, or whatever pathetic fantasy you have in your head. So sad.
Sluggo2007
Gee. D’ya think she’s a bit insecure?
Xzamistletoe
@Captain Obvious: No, I’d say the “woke” black idiot fiending for white dick with the Zack Morris avi is how you’re so easy to remember. That an the sudden appearance of “Troll Xzamilloh” after calling your ass out. Tell me who the sad one is. And please don’t try to say it isn’t you because we both know it is.