Vatican Finally Cracking Down On Disgusting Crime of Women Priests

Pointing to its new found “rigor and transparency,” the Vatican released new rules to crack down on priests DOING DISGUSTING THINGS TO CHILDREN. But because this is the Vatican, the Catholics managed to overshadow their (incredibly lackluster) commitment with other offensive crap.

Consecrating women as priests is as grave a sin as pedophilia, the new rules state. Which sounds like a lovely step forward for the usually reserved clowns. It’s almost as ridiculous as the document’s new half-assed rules about, yes, child abuse.

Those measures fell short of the hopes of many advocates for victims of priestly abuse, who dismissed them as “tweaking” rather than a bold overhaul. The new rules do not, for example, hold bishops accountable for abuse by priests on their watch, nor do they require them to report sexual abuse to civil authorities — though less formal “guidelines” issued earlier this year encourage reporting if local law compels it.

But so long as we crack down on women joining the ranks of men who may shamelessly and without punishment prey on kids, they’re doing god’s work.