Ventura: Gays In Military Good For Straight Soldiers’ Sex Lives

A roving gang of reporters cornered Jesse Ventura at the Republican National Convention Ron Paul’s Rally For The Republic this week. Panicked, Ventura did what any self-respecting maverick would do: he started blasting big government’s perverse fascination with same-sex marriage!

Today, the government tells you who you can fall in love with. You think that’s a role for government? To be able to tell you who you who can fall in love with? Well, if you’re gay, the government tells you who you can fall in love with. I think that’s slightly overstepping the bounds of what our forefathers had in mind… I don’t care whether gays get married. It’s none of my business. It doesn’t effect my marriage.

Ventura, a former wrestler who once served as Minnesota’s Governor, went on to explain that he’s also got no problem with gays in the military, something the Republican party thinks will lead to a decline in morale and the eventual invasion of America. Ventura’s position isn’t motivated solely by equality – he’s got a solidly inclusive record – but by the need for sexual balance:

I don’t care about gays in the military. If they do the job, what do I care for? In fact, I wish there were more! I was single then. And when I got to the Philippines, I’d have more pickings!

Hey! That’s flagrant discrimination. If Ventura had his way, the gays would dominate the military, thus leaving a surplus of Filipino ladies for the minority straight men. As a result, the poor gays would have to fight tooth and nail for man-on-man action, thus exponentially decreasing their odds of getting off!

You’re a tricky one, Ventura, but we see right through your sick, vaginally-obsessed logic. And we find it oddly alluring.