Vikings’ Chris Kluwe Writes Wonderfully Scathing Letter To Anti-Gay Delegate Emmett Burns

We elected Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. Douche of the Week on Friday for his official letter to Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, demanding Bisciotti reprimand linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo for vocally supporting marriage equality.

We weren’t the only ones outraged by Burns’ moronic and abusive use of his office: Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, another pro football star who supports LGBT equality, penned an erudite response to Del. Burns that was posted on Deadspin:

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little

“Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!”


2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

And just like that, the Vikings have become our favorite football team. Now, can someone tell us what a punter is?

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  • FreddyMertz

    Love it!…love everything ’bout it!

  • Aidan8

    Damn… you go boy! The time is past to be civil with assholes like Burns. The time is past to try to enlighten and find compromise. If you spew hate, expect it in return.

  • Jorval

    GOProud and Log Cabin Republicans could learn something from Chris Cluwe.

    Imagine that – a straight man who stands up for us more than members of our own community.

  • jwrappaport

    “I was saying ‘Boo-urns!'” This is just great. To hell with “elevating the discourse”: this is the sort of verbal thrashing that these people need. They get to fight freestyle and drag us and our families through the rhetorical mud (all under the cloak of religious freedom, of course) while we have to fight by the Queensbury rules and pretend to have an abstract, impersonal debate.

    Thank you for posting this!

  • kingkuy

    a punter kicks the ball… or so i’ve been told

  • D P

    Gotta say it: “I love Chris Kluwe!”

  • Tommy-E

    What is equality meaning? Is it all people have to be equal, or does it mean, all have the same rights? So far as people are not equal, they are individuals, they have to get the same rights I think. Dividing people in groups with different rights is a mistake done in history. So I’m with Mr. Kluwe, equal rights for all individual people.

  • Shadeaux

    WHOA! He laid an Ivy League/Hood Ass Whooping on him! That was both brave and awesome!

  • Dakotahgeo

    Wowwww!!! I could not have said it better. All that knowledge wrapped up succinctly in a nicely packaged letter to a poophead! Priceless!

  • hamoboy


  • brent

    @Jorval: What does that mean? The point of these groups iis to lobby straight’s in the republican party. Which is alot more than liberals are doing with the african-american and hispanic communities.

  • MikeE

    @brent: you’re blind, deaf, and dumb, right?

    oh no, I forgot, you’re an idiot.. that’s completely different.

  • hf2hvit

    @brent: The point of these groups is to be STUPID

  • FunMe

    COOL guy! Love what he says and his sense of humor. Thank goodness more and more straight allies are speaking up for all Americans.

  • Geoff B

    Man, I wished this guy played for Green Bay!

  • sfbeast

    great letter, and fantastic way to respond to a hater. i love the combination of reason, high tone writing, and street talk. plus, he did a terrific job on the news clip. congrats to both chris kluwe and brendon ayanbadejo for speaking out

  • Dumdum

    It is great stuff like this that really helps to restore my hope that times are changing.At 52 I have seen a lot of crap over the years.These young people are open to allowing us queers to enjoy the same rights as everyone else.Now if the old guard would just retire.These moldy old fossils need to step down and go away.I never thought I would live to see the day when a Heterosexual Football player would speak out on our behalf.Awesome!!!

  • the other Greg

    If Chris Kluwe ever wants to get some of that “hot dong action,” I know several guys who would be interested.

    (and damn, 500 comments! – it’s like the odometer turning)

  • etstella56

    BRAVO !!!! WELL SAID, CHRIS!!!!!!

  • Ridpathos

    I love you Chris!

Comments are closed.