Looney Showtunes

WATCH: Helen Keller Forced To Softshoe In Jaw-Dropping Korean Musical

…And then: this.

Which is worse? A Christian group who spews out vitriolic anti-gay hate, or one that stages this jaw-droppingly terrible, but oh-so-glorious musical about Helen Keller? Show queens, presenting your new favorite thing.

Oh, no — this is not a spoof like shown on South Park. This South Korean musical version of The Miracle Worker is a legitimate attempt to move audiences with the story of triumph over adversity, complete with power ballads, showstoppers, and an 11 o’clock number sung by Helen herself…who can’t speak, remember!

The Broadway version of Carrie‘s got nuttin’ on this!

The lowest, highest point is when Anne Sullivan brings Helen out into the village, where the baker, the fruit seller, the flower girls, Belle, Marian the Librarian, Curly, Laurey and all the townsfolk gleefully encourage the deafblind girl to join their sparkly-toed showstopper. Miss Sullivan pushes horrified Helen upstage center, and, like a delusional Maria von Trapp, physically forces her own personal Eliza Doolittle to Do-Re-Mi and dance for the people. DANCE DANCE, monkey! Anna Leonowens would have impaled herself on the King’s sword if she had had to whistle this cheeseball tune.

How the shockingly silent audience isn’t bursting out in rolling gales of laughter is beyond comprehension.

Worse, the music is brazenly ripped off from other Broadway and off-Broadway shows, with re-written Korean lyrics. The song where Helen learns to dine is stolen from Bat Boy‘s “Show You A Thing Or Two”. Anne Sullivan’s come-to-Jesus moment (6:20, above) is note-for-note the title song from the Broadway musical of Legally Blonde. (Er, Legally Blind?) The big finale in Part 2 below has Helen finally, joyously saying “wah wah” to the tune of Legally Blonde‘s “Take It Like A Man,” originally a comedy song about Elle Woods making over her beau at a fawncy department store. Whoever is the theatrical genius who heard this song and saw an inspirational anthem for Helen deserves a special Tony Award…right up the ass.

We believe this ditty is loosely translated from the Korean as “The Waaain in Waaaain.”

This…thing…was posted by a Christian South Korea-based group called the International Youth Fellowship, which has a shady record of scamming students into attending overseas religious camps under the guise of teaching English. Can one of their students translate the lyrics, por favor?

The greater scam is on the ticket holders for their stage musicals, and on the composers whose copyrights are being infringed.

The curtain’s going up! And please, spare us all dimwitted “Heren Kerrer” jokes. That’s more tasteless than the musical itself.