WATCH: Praise Be And Hallelujah! Michele Bachmann Not Seeking Re-Election

Using the special gel filter reserved for daytime soap operas and RuPaul’s close-ups on Drag Race, Minnesota Congresswoman, noted loon and GOP dashboard bobble head figurine Michele Bachmann announced she will not seek re-election for a fifth (seriously, Minnesota?) term.

Without giving a specific reason (but shoveling out a whole lot of other crap) Bachmann claims that, much like the president, eight years in office is enough. And for once, we completely agree with her.

Bachmann goes on to say that she could totes win her seat again if she wanted, but she doesn’t, okay? The glass-eyed lawmaker also dismisses any speculation that her announcement has anything to do with the “recent inquiries into the activities of my former presidential campaign or my former presidential staff.”

Well, we’re convinced.

During the video’s painfully long eight minutes and 40 seconds, we’re treated to a loser’s victory lap as Bachmann calls out the Obama administration’s alleged failings, while reassuring everyone that she’ll continue to work “100-hour weeks” in her fight for “traditional marriage, family values [and] religious liberty.” Her gay husband no doubt by her hypocritical side the entire way.