COLBERT NATION

WATCH: Rick Santorum Blasts Gay Marriage, Stephen Colbert Keeps A Straight Face

Former U.S. Senator, failed Presidential nominee and noted frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum stopped by The Colbert Report to promote his new movie (not to worry, he’s not in front of the camera) and share his thoughts on running in 2016 (do worry because he’s “not sure” yet). Talk then turned to Santorum’s favorite subject, gay marriage, or as Colbert puts it, “riding the rainbow train to Hell Town.” Turns out Colbert is the conductor of that train — below, some choice moments from their interview.

On the definition of marriage:

S: Marriage has devolved just into a romantic relationship between two people and that’s not what marriage is…Heterosexuals have lost the definition of marriage and so it’s not surprising that other people want to see — well, this is what marriage is today and so we should be involved in that…
C: What if we cut bait on it? It’s a neighborhood that’s gone to seed. We just leave the keys to marriage out front and we go get something better. Gays you can have marriage because at this point, marriage kind of seems gay. Little gay. And we get something better.
S: That’s sort of the argument I’m making.
C: That is?

On Santorum’s infamous “man on dog” comment:

C: You previously once said, ‘It’s not man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.'”
S: Well I didn’t —
C: Is it dog on dog? That’s a quote, I don’t know, did I get that wrong?
S: It’s sort of a little taken out of context…”
C: Contextualize me.
S: What we’re talking about is a relationship that is important to the continuance of society and that’s what we need to focus on.

On gay adoption:

C: I’ve heard some disturbing news that gay people have children. I’ve heard some places they can even adopt children.
S: Here’s what I would say to that. Every child has the right to their natural mother and father. Every child has a natural mother and father and they have a right to that mother and father to give them what only a mother and only a father can give.
C: What if they don’t have a mother or a father? Wouldn’t it be better for them to have no parents than to be loved by two gay people?

Santorum of course misses the point, but he’s never really been in on the joke, which, as usual, is on him.

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