WATCH: Why You Don’t Want Anderson Cooper Giving You A “Hand”

Andy Cohen‘s Watch What Happens Live Exclamation Point was surprisingly not so self-centered last night. Cohen pitted Camille Grammer and Anderson Cooper against each another in a quiz segment. Here’s what we learned about the Coop:

1. He was destined to become family. In 1976, Gloria Vanderbilt dressed 9-year-old Anderson in bitchin’ yellow riding pants and stripper-worthy knee-length leather boots. Girlfriend looked fierce.

2. His mom wrote cheesy romance novels. Cohen embarrassed Cooper by reading off a particularly treacly sentence: “You carried me naked to the center of the fountain shell, placing me precisely where the water, warmed by the sun, would trickle down between my legs, finding the spot to please.” Gag!

3. He gives terrible handjobs. See his reluctant shake-weight session at the 3:20 mark.