PREPARE THYSELF

Westboro Officials Address Fred Phelps’ Health, Ex-Communication And Future Of “Church”

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Since word rapidly spread Sunday that Fred Phelps is facing imminent death in a Topeka hospice, numerous questions have arisen about the future of the Westboro Baptist Church he notoriously founded to inform LGBT people that God hates them. “Church leaders” have prepared for an inevitable full onslaught from nosy media types by adding a FAQ page to its charming website.

Addressing the news that Phelps is preparing to meet his maker, WBC states:

Fred Phelps is a person of advanced age, and such people sometimes have health issues. Fred Phelps has health issues, but the idea that someone would suggest that he is near death, is not only highly speculative, but foolish considering that all such matters are the sole prerogative of God.

The author of this informative note then asks readers to consider some Biblical scripture from the Book of Deuteronomy, but we’ll omit that bit and others as a courtesy to our secular readers.

Perhaps the most shocking revelation from the Facebook note from Phelps’s estranged son Nathan was that Reverend Fred had been excommunicated from WBC in August 2013. Don’t expect enlightenment from WBC, apart from correcting the common terminology.

Q: Has Fred Phelps been ‘excluded’ from membership at Westboro Baptist Church?

A: Membership issues are private.

Wow, they almost make it sound like a whites-only country club. Since WBC has obviously been continuing its haterific mission, many are wondering who’s in charge. According to the FAQ, it’s the big guy upstairs.

The church has no singular human leader – our head is the Lord Jesus Christ. The church currently has 8 male members who have been serving the church in the capacity of ‘elders’ for several years (this word is synonymous with ‘bishop,’ ‘pastor,’ and ‘overseer’) – all of whom minister to the members of the church, preach, and are involved in doctrine and teaching. These men were unanimously chosen by the members of the church to serve in this capacity, having evidenced the proper scriptural qualifications.”

You’re probably wondering how the lack of earthly leadership will impact the future of WBC. The church asks itself a question: What do any of these issues change?

Nothing. The church of the Lord Jesus Christ does not rise or fall with any man – in fact, the Lord doesn’t need ANY of us. This is still a nation and world awash in sin. We will still warn you of this condition, out of our love and fear of the Lord, and out of our love for our neighbors. Here is the message of Westboro Baptist Church: God still hates fags, God still hates fag enablers and any nation that embraces that sin as an ‘innocent’ lifestyle can expect to incur the wrath of God. Repent or Perish.

So there you have it. Some things will never change. The god that Westboro Baptist Church worships still hates “fags” and its hate-filled ministry, like Celine Dion’s heart, will go on.

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