What Chuck Klosterman Would Advise Roy Ashburn to Say: ‘Also, I Am An Alcoholic’

Chuck Klosterman, the heterosexual and married journalist who made his name at Spin magazine, once said, “Gay marriage should be legalized in America because gay men are the only men who want to be married.” Klosterman apparently has more thoughts about The Gays, and in his book Eating the Dinosaur, about the last two decades of music and pop culture, he offers California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, the anti-gay homosexual politician, the best crisis management advice he could receive.

Of course, Klosterman wrote these words in a book published in October, so it’s not like they were meant for Ashburn specifically. Maybe with the hindsight of Larry Craig, and the foresight of Eric Massa, Klosterman outlines “The best response to being caught in an illicit homosexual relationship after spending much of your political career pushing antigay legislation and campaigning on a family values platform.” Which is:

I will concede that I am more confused than the average person. I’ve spent my entire life denying who I truly was. But my motive for that denial was political, even before I was a politician. I always believed that I could serve the greater good by advancing myself into a position of power, and—in order to make that a reality—the compromise I made was to attack the social mores that were extensions of everything I feared about myself. I felt extremely guilty for doing this, and I felt as though

I deserved to be punished. My religious upbringing dictated retribution. So by publicly criticizing the gay community, I felt like I was silently punishing myself. Now, I was totally aware that this was hypocritical, and that hypocrisy consumed me. It was all I ever thought about. It became so pervasive within my consciousness that I found myself acting upon my own suppressed desires. I became romantically involved with someone of my own gender, completely aware that this could destroy me politically.

That was part of the attraction. Sadly, I enjoyed feeling self-destructive. When that relationship became more intense, I began to accept that I was gay. And that’s why I kept pushing for laws that hurt the gay community. Political duplicity was the only way I could confront my own personal demons. I deeply apologize for hurting other people, but the only person I was trying to hurt was myself.

Also, I am an alcoholic.

The words of a true narcissist.

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