A gay man recently wrote into sex advice columnist Pamela Stephenson Connolly at the U.K.’s The Guardian about the frustrations he’s feeling over his total top boyfriend who absolutely refuses to bottom.
“I am a 28-year-old gay man,” the man writes. “In previous relationships I was — mainly — the top. I have been with my current partner for two years and in this relationship I have only been the bottom, as my partner has a fear of it.”
Related: “Looking” Opens Our Minds—And Other Body Parts—To The Subject of “Anal Shame”
“I am very frustrated, and have contemplated cheating, which fills me with guilt,” the man continues. “I love him very much, but feel as though we are incompatible on this basic level.”
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That sounds like quite a predicament, and one many gay men have no doubt faced at some point in their lives. Luckily, Pamela Stephenson Connolly is an expert when it comes to these sorts of things.
“”Your feelings about sexual bottoming are perfectly valid,” she writes. “A conversation about fairness, in which you honestly express your feelings and ask for change, is needed.”
Connolly continues: “Try to delve into the metaphoric meanings of topping and bottoming for both of you. Once you feel truly understood, attempt to renegotiate that contract, expressing yourself calmly and clearly. If there is an impasse, discuss other options, including outside arrangements.”
Related: Five Things You Should Know About Your Ass
“But note,” Connolly concludes, “in consensual sex, the person bottoming is in control (psychologically topping, since he has the power to withdraw his permission). Do you really want to give that up?”
What advice would you give this man in dealing with his sexually stubborn boyfriend? Sound off in the comments section below.
Arcamenel
I would try and find out what exactly he’s afraid of and start on working past any “bottom shame” hey have. The advice given is sound though. A lot of people underestimate how important sexual compatibility is in a relationship, especially one that is ideally going to be monogamous for a very long time.
K Patrick McCarthy
These boundaries should blur once your in a truly loving relationship.
WhyteRabbit
cheating is never the answer. period. first, he says he has a “fear of [bottoming].” and that is strictly a cop-out response. he doesn’t fear bottoming. he fears what bottoming says about him (to himself), or he has a deeper problem tied to the act itself.
first try to get to the root of the “fear.”
if that doesn’t result in anything good, then there is the greatest trick of marriage ever… withholding. it becomes simple when you become only willing to reciprocate what is offered to you. yes, it is childish and petty, but so is a two year refusal to allow your partner to experiment with you.
Rand Swansey
Marry him!
notevenwrong
Withhold sex to control people? Well, thanks for the womanly advice, but maybe ask a man next time.
Anthony Thorpe
Personally wouldn’t care who doesn’t love a top
Charlie in Charge
I have found that a topping/bottoming version of the golden rule, namely “Anything you do to me I can do to you” is quite helpful. If he won’t bottom for you, stop bottoming for him.
Robert Barker
Danny Cowan
Alex Williams
Start having 3-ways.
Frank Croix
Send him my way
Hawg G Wilde
Hawg tie him
Bauhaus
Jeez, find someone you are sexually compatible with. Problem solved.
Dany Perez
Bitchhhhhhh Morenito Mckenzie
Manny Yoko
/ My TOTAL Bottom Boyfriend refuses to TOP !!!!!!
Steven T. S.
Depends…. If he was honest about being a total top then who am I to change him! It was my choice!
Ray Ivey
Get a new boyfriend.
Scribe38
“Baby, I love you, but either let me pound the hole or let me get it some place else.” @Charlie in Charge: So agree with that rule. Don’t ask me anything for you that you won’t do for me.
Darcy John
Sam McCloskey
Leave him
JR Dios Martinez
R U P H I N O L…
Norman Petri
Robert Hillyer
Buy him something!
Michael Albert
Gross
Michael Carpini
Upgrade
Don Bradshaw
Some men just aren’t meant to bottom. Leave them alone.
David Red
Respect his decision.
Larry Hogan
Michael Gioia
Harlan Smith
Thank the Heavens??
Frank Xcisco
Leave him & find a verse guy, always ask their role before you start to date it will save everyone a headache, check out my blog:
http://glsromance.blogspot.com/
Cole Steele
I fired him.
Roland Hamburger
When you have an open partner that is honest you can get a sense of who likes to bottom/top more. Of course on special occasions I give into bottoming for him but hey everyone isn’t made to bottom. Be honest and open with your boyfriend and let him open up his fears, also you can talk about sex toys/plugs to use in the bedroom as well to loosen him up!
Shawn Lewis
If he doesn’t want to be bottom that’s cool because I prefer bottom over top considering I’m a virgin
Wilson W Wong
Don’t expect change when you knew this at the start
Robert Litman
Find one who does.
Daniel Prentice Wilson II
Some people can’t bottom and some can’t top… There is a difference between can’t and won’t…
Ives Meagher
Figure it out….oh geez. Must be a slow newsday.
Enrique Hoek
Aneudi Cabral
Ruhlmann
“Bottom shame”? That’s actually a thing? I bottomed once in my life and I needed half a bottle of Scotch to try it with a lover who wouldn’t stop bitching about it. I didn’t feel ashamed, I felt out of place and kept telling him to hurry up and get off of me. I left the next day. Now I get the particulars of sex out of the way right off. I’m just not into it.
bottom250
I love a total top because I am a total bottom my beauties. Never shame a top just let him mount and dominate you
Kevin Swerdlow
Shout woo hoo!!!
Juan Torred
I have a 100% Top BF No complaints hereð???
PRyan Uttzey
I broke up with him. He promised it for three years and when he finally said I needed to get over it that he wasn’t going to. Went downhill fast from there.
Warren Vissers
Dump him simple as that
Nemia Ratu
Carl Amos
Paco
So which one is the photo supposed to represent? The top or the bottom?
I’m guessing the bottom. He looks like a screamer.
John Kovacs
Elvio Ettore Achille HJay Swedlaw
Chuck Knapp
Mine don’t either
frshmn
How many more total bottoms are out there, than total tops???
Jesus Malverde
I love you just the way you are! Now Change!
Shawn Lee Tizmal
Get another guy to pnp duh
Troy E. Pelaar
I’m a total bottom, so, not a problem. I would be more upset though if he wanted to bottom.
Rich Lopez
I praise Jesus!
Mark Hazelwood
Um ? Nothing ? He’s a TOTAL top?
judysdad
Might come as a big shock, but there are actually guys out there who can easily do without anal sex at all. My partner and I have been together for 32 years and have never had anal sex, by choice. There are plenty of othrr things to do. So my answer to the question is: Nothing.
da90027
This is why you get all this out of the way before you get into a relationship…I’m a total top the only thing that gets near my ass is toilet paper. I just date total bottoms problem solved.
Billy Budd
Dump him. The world is full of versatile gay men.
Steven Shelton
Enjoy , enjoy , i have alway loved a man who knows what he wants
Monty Britton
Thank God because there is only room for one bottom in the relationship! 😉
James Adam Llamozas
Relax and let him do his thing!
jwtraveler
Find a woman. Straight men don’t have this problem.
TomOH
I prefer to top myself, but I would never want to top someone that wasn’t into it 100% What’s the point of pressuring someone into a sex act they don’t enjoy themselves? I wouldn’t get much enjoyment out of fucking someone if they were miserable and uncomfortable the whole time doing it, and only letting me do it because they felt “obligated” to do so. The OP should just seek out someone he’s more sexually compatible with – there’s nothing wrong with either him or his partner having their own preferences, they just don’t seem to line up enough, that’s all.
Charles Jenkins
Say yes
Rob Ebright
Say thank heavens!
Aiden Hawkswell
Alex Polkinghorne I hope this helps you out with your issues with Ben
rob740
Marry him and enjoy the ride
lesavingecourant
Life is too short and this creep is playing you. Cheat on his ass and get what you need.
Curty
Hey jackass date verse or bottom men! I’m a big top and my bf is a total bottom. Problem solved.
Allen D.
This article hits home for me. I’ve always been the top in my relationship. It’s only been 2 years. I’m very orally submissive, and I’m all about “bang my face as hard as you want”.
When it comes to anal, in past relationships I’ve done it once or twice a year. My issue now is that my partner is HUGE. WE’ve tried a couple times, but it hurts and burns. I don’t know what to do. He mentioned the other day, for the first time, “I’d like to get back there someday”. So, I’m lost.
Nelson Kaiowá
Get yourself a fleshlight . You can´t make someone bottom and it´s not like you didn´t know he was a top.
Ron Parsons
#FirstWorldProblems
David Conan
Dump him.
Brandon Allen Wall
I’ can’t bottom
jag4313
I am currently in that type of relationship. My partner and I were a total vers couple in the beginning but as the years went by he was bottoming less and less. We have been together for 13 years and the past 4 years I have not topped him. I do feel quite incomplete sexually and a lack in our relationship due to this. I have not cheated on him and don’t think I ever would but I have thought about it quite a bit.
Al Ry
Lol Looks like 90% are not able to top.
Brian Crim
I WAS IN THIS SITUATION MY BF WANTED ME TO BOTTOM UMMMMMMM NO. I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS YOU KNEW OF RIP I’M A TOTAL TOP IF THAT WAS GONE BE A PROBLEM YOU SHOULD’VE EXIT STAGE LEFT DUHH!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent Turner
Find a 3rd to play.
Kieru
… I don’t understand. If this guy wasn’t comfortable with his partner being exclusively a top, why did he start a relationship with him? Why has he continued the relationship for two years? Why would you be with someone with whom you find yourself to be completely incompatible with in the bedroom?
Giancarlo85
Such an ugly pic on the article. Omg.
I’m not in this situation. My bf and I are both vers. No issue there.
Morenito Mckenzie
For this reason God made passivos…osea hello !!
James Dunaway
Put some poppers under his nose
Rick Malaj
Never ask a true top to bottom – why screw up a good thing?
Tony Strandy
The best part of this article is the picture. ð???
Mark Siegel
Lay down and go for a ride….
BigG
All I have to say is what your partner won’t do, someone else will. Its just selfishness on the tops part.
BigG
@PRyan Uttzey: good for you! I would have also
Cam
don’t just tell him to dive in to it, work him up to it, play around, and also, have him talk to a straight friend, both male and female about all of the things they do in their relationships that they don’t like but do it to please their partner. (Stereotypically) Something like guys going to chick flicks, women going to Superbowl parties. Women who don’t love blow-jobs giving them, guys who would prefer faster harder sex giving tons of foreplay, romance, and taking their gentle time.
Relationships are about working together and sometimes doing something because it is what your partner wants. Basically the guy needs to get the hell over it, but his boyfriend should work with him to ease him into it.
drumstick
I’ve been married to the same guy for 25+ years. When we started out, I was the bottom and he was the top. But after a while, (like 20 years…) it’s gets boring and I wanted to try topping. I love it, but my partner is not crazy about it. At first, I had to ask for it days in advance so he could “psychologically prepare”. I’m only 8 inches. He hated it at first, but like all things he has come to appreciate it. But it’s not something he seeks out. I think about cheating all the time, but never have. Any advice?
Soulforce1
Buy him a (vibrating?) dildo and let him practice on himself. Before you know it he will be begging you to top him.
Dwayne Mitchell
great article, Queerty, but I want to know who is the bear in the pic? 😉
Paco
If your partner has to be pressured into doing something they don’t like to do or was never expected to do, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. People change in relationships and sometimes need to move on with something new. They need to discuss this before resentment kicks in.
Ruth Dalto
Groose
Kenneth Thom Jr.
So… You didn’t know/discuss this before going into the relationship?
Barry Hudson
Yelp marry him . And give good blow jobs..frequently LOL!
[email protected]
He’s a top. Accept it and find a bottom buddy to have an affair with if you are too obstinate to accept the facts of your love life, can’t get over feeling cheated out of something in your relationship, or, are too lazy to move on.
Danny
While everyone’s opinions and experiences are valid I would like to remind that sex is only one of many important factors in a relationship. It’s not automatically a deal breaker. That’s a decision each individual must consider.
Captain Obvious
I love tops who won’t bottom, they’re the ones missing out. My problem is when bottoms assume I’m a top rather than the reverse.
da90027
@Curty: right on!
boulevardbrew
I certainly became a better top after bottoming a handful of times.
Soulforce1
@boulevardbrew: Exactly!
Soulforce1
@Curty: “Hey jackass date verse or bottom men! I’m a big top and my bf is a total bottom. Problem solved.”
Really? There are people who might appreciate the opportunity to grow, mature, and change their preferences over time rather than be locked into some arbitrary choice for life that they made when they were much younger. The world isn’t quite so cut and dried as you might like it.
Charlie Gall
Uh…Cheat.
Scott Weaver
Could someone please tell me if that cover pic is sexy? Is that the definition of a power top?
John
Is he a good top? I ask because from my experience a “good top” has bottomed and knows the sensation/feeling and how to make it feel good for both of you. Topping is not just shoving it into a well greased hole and pounding til he gets a nut…(i know their are those guys(tops) who say “In a good top Ive been told” yeah, like anyone is going to say while u bask in the afterglow…”eh, not so good”
Glücklich
@Scott Weaver:
Funny, I actually asked myself “Would I hit that?” I don’t know if I’d want to take him up my ass but I think I’d enjoy “being all over” his front. Looks like he might have hair on his back which is kind of a problem for me.
justme48197
http://www.queerty.com/five-things-you-should-know-about-your-ass-20150321
One of them is that not everyone is right for bottoming. Kinda funny how it’s never mentioned in the post. Also i’m kinda sick of gay men saying cheating is a way to solve anything. Those with hangups will be hungup their whole lives and their not happy with themselves.
TimSimms
This is probably a good time to mention that it is completely possible to be in a long-term, loving relationship, and not be sexually exclusive. I have several friends in relationships who regularly play with others, sometimes together, sometimes separately.
TimSimms
@Charlie in Charge: You should get over the idea that one bottoms “for” someone. It’s not a favour.