LESSONS FROM THE BOX

What the World Knows About Lesbians As Learned on Reality TV

By · Updated on July 13, 2011

Showtime’s “The Real L Word” is half way through its second season and the UK has just premiered its own lesbian reality show, “Candy Bar.” While these shows should be a lot different considering London fame-seeking lezzers and surely not the exact same as your run-of-the-mill Los Angeles narcissists, they do share some similarities.

For one, if you ask the “stars,” both show’s premises are, well, they’re about “lesbians.” “Candy Bar” is a little bit of a specific, though, focusing on the re-energizing of the night spot its named after when a gay man takes over, removes all the pink (he hates it!) and finds a new face of the brand in an unemployed performing arts graduate named Dani. Dani quickly picks up pole dancing and promptly dumps her girlfriend when she finds out her name ass will be in lights.

Over in Los Angeles, it’s much the same with the show revolving largely around Whitney, a self-proclaimed “gaymous celesbian” that mostly gets paid to get on the mic at lesbian events and say “Yo ladies!” and letting them smell her dreadlocks. The girl she seems to like the most out of all the ones she fucks on camera is Sara, who is most interested in being on a reality TV show because she paid a lot for those tattoos and tits so therefore she should be able to show them off.

But it’s not all about sex and bars: There’s also a lot of fighting. On “The Real L Word,” more than one person uses the term “too cool for school,” which surprised me more than the fact one of the broads was married to a dude just a few years ago and has major daddy issues. On “Candy Bar,” a new couple (Shabby and Red) fight for an unknown reason. Seriously – the camera guy catches them in each other’s faces in a large bar and a narrator explains they are in a heated argument despite the fact nobody can hear what the hell they’re saying. Titillating stuff, guys.

The things I’ve learned from these shows, however, is that people are trying to make lesbianism profitable. “Candy Girl” wants to make money with their lesbian bar and pole dancer. “The Real L Word” girls want to make money from hosting lesbian bar nights and creating a dildo that sperm can shoot out of when you want to get a girl pregnant, as a couple on the show are trying. (Their storyline could be summed up on one quick episode of “One Born Every Minute” but obviously sharing their story on a show peppered with scissoring made much more sense than with other moms on Lifetime.) There’s also a maddening but incredibly entertaining twentysomething named Claire who wants to start a lesbian fashion website called DirtyBoudoir.com. In the meantime, she’ll have to find a real job because just being too cool for school doesn’t pay – at least not very well.

In short, the real losers of the situation (besides those mentioned above) are the viewers who aren’t privy to the fact these people are not representative of the lesbian population at large. This means straight guys, baby dykes, late-in-life gay women and moms struggling to connect with their not-so-straight daughters by watching an episode to learn the ins and outs of lesbianism. At least now you don’t have to explain to your mom what scissoring is.

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