EDUGAYTION

What Would the Course Syllabus for Lady Gaga 101 Look Like?

Gaga Studies 101 is not an actual class being taught at any university that we know of. Not even the University of Phoenix, which can get away with anything. But “the editors of an online academic journal on Gaga Studies explain why you should take the pop star seriously,” explains Salon‘s Margaret Eby. And it goes us thinking: What would the syllabus for a Gaga course look like?

Week 1: Understand the origins of dance pop.

Study the musical elements of classic glam rock (David Bowie, Queen, Styx) as well as modern dance pop (New Kids On The Block, Crystal Castles, and Kanye West) then recombine them into dance hits with catchy hooks.

Week 2: Write autobiographical lyrics.

Study the vocal styles of Grace Jones, Debbie Harry, Gwen Stefani, and Christina Aguilera and the verse-chorus format of modern pop songs used by Britney Spears and Fergie. Then incorporate autobiographical metaphors into songs about love, fame, vampirism, and having sex with the lights off.

Week 3: Choreograph disturbing moves.

Studying the moves of Michael Jackson, Madonna, and a famous movie monster, create your own herky-jerky dance number. Extra credit for incorporating crutches, an opulent couch, or androgynous leotarded manservants.

Week 4: Create attention-grabbing costumes.

Study the properties of unconventional fabrics (police tape, plastic bubbles, Kermit dolls, etc.) and turn them into blindingly over-the-top fashions reminiscent of Donatella Versace, Bjork, and Alex McQueen. Bonus points for walking to class in a mask that covers up your eyes.

Week 5: Master queer aesthetics.

Create a new persona by mixing coquettish and aggressive affect in gender-fuck drag. Wear fishnets, a leather jacket, body armor, high-heel biker boots, and a dyke haircut while pretending to poison a lover of either sex.

Week 6: Live on the road.

Using a combination of economics and interior design, outfit a tour bus with creature comforts and a makeshift recording studio. Discuss coping strategies for motion and homesickness as well as the destabilizing effect of waking up in a new international city every couple of days.

Week 7: Re-invent the music video.

Using aspects of camp, comedy, noir and Tarrantino films, learn how to make it in the post-MTV, YouTube-current era. Be sure to combine extraordinary costuming, lengthy storytelling, and viral mastery.

Week 8: Yield activism and fandom.

Using social media tools speak out on behalf of homeless youth, LGBT rights, and your right to shoot a glitter machine gun. Create several ideas on how to engage a large army of “little monsters” that includes ambitious young women, drunken gay men, and sexually awkward teenagers.

Week 9: Advanced stagecraft and pyrotechnics.

Just as she did at the American Music Awards, encase a fake piano in a glass cube and then shatter your way to it using only a champagne bottle. Then construct and ignite your own fireworks bra without getting any third-degree burns.

Week 10: Starting and deflecting rumors.

In front of a live camera, field questions about having a she-dick, single-handedly queering all the world’s youth, and being a puppet of the Illuminati—poise counts.

Week 11: Form a Haus of Gaga.

Create a team of stylists who will help stylize every aspect of your final performance. Teams will learn advanced cosmetology and costume design techniques towards creating a media spectacle in the middle of another class. High marks will be given to those whose pictures end up in the school paper. RuPaul is your guest speaker.

Week 12: REVIEW AND FINAL EXAM

Record a new single on a tour bus and then theatrically perform it live in intersex clothing using original choreography and the burning instrument of your choice. Extra points for giving a pre-song shout-out to any LGBT cause or dead fashion designer.

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