It’s not easy being an “average looking” gay man. Just ask Adam Dupuis.
In a new op-ed titled Being Average Looking in the Gay Community, Dupuis writes about the day to day struggles he faces as someone whose physical appearance falls somewhere between “OK” and “nothing special.”
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“Being attractive seems to be pretty much a necessity to feel a sense of belonging in the gay community,” Dupuis writes. “Sure, you can go out with friends, travel, experience life, but it can be mentally and emotionally dangerous to travel with more attractive friends when you’ll most likely be the one going home alone as the others pick up a guy or two.”
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Dupuis calls never being hit on “a little lonely as well as depressing.”
“Yes, you can exude confidence, socialize, and dance like no other,” he writes, “but that doesn’t seal the deal when looking for someone that is physically attracted to you.”
Not to mention, he adds, “it gets tiring to stand there and be the best self that you can with what you are working with.”
“I was out the other night with friends and I said to the group that I thought one guy was really attractive,” Dupuis recalls. “It turned out I didn’t possess what he was looking for and he ended up being very interested in and flirtatious with one of my good friends.”
It didn’t really bother him though, because, he says, “I’m used to it.”
Related: Black, Bisexual, And Invisible: A Cry For Acceptance And An End To Racism In The LGBTQ Community
“I live in one of the gay meccas in the United States,” he continues. “Everyone tells me I should be hooking up every night, week day, weekend, and during brunch. If all I was looking for was a warm hole or to be someone else’s, I guess I could do that. … But I like to be attracted to the guy I’m with and I would like to think he finds me attractive. Quality not quantity.”
Because of this, Dupuis admits he does not have a “successfully notched headboard,” but that’s OK.
“I’ve reverted to not acknowledging the sexual conquests as wonderful successes for they are often too animalistic when and if they ever happen,” he writes, “but I have instead found immense joy when someone that I find attractive tells me that they find me attractive, too.”
That joy, he concludes, “lasts so much longer in my head and in my heart than any joy a hook-up could bring. For those of you that hear that compliment all the time and glaze over it, believe me, it means a great deal to some of us.”
Related: Is This The Brutal Truth White Gay Men Refuse To Hear?
Xzamilloh
You know, a lot of these articles could be whittled down to this: What it feels like to not look like the guys you want to look like and/or vapidly pine after. Because, believe it or not, us average looking guys are just as shallow and superficial as the beautiful people. We’re just conditioned to call it “not settling for less” while pretty people are made to feel guilty about liking pretty things. And it’s pretty damn easy being an average looking gay man (or even an ugly one) when you realize that not all gay men are as hung up on your looks as you are.
marc sfe
Know exactly what feels like and means.
RomanHans
It’s too bad he can’t exercise so a really hot body would counteract his average looks.
Xzamilloh
@RomanHans: It’s why half the profile photos on gay hookup sites are torso or booty shots. You lead with your best lol
ChrisK
I like to be attracted to the guy I’m with and I would like to think he finds me attractive. Quality not quantity.”
So in other words, he’s only attracted to the guys that are out of his league and then pisses and moans that he can’t get any action.
Billy Budd
I was very cute once but I am not anymore. Now I am 43 yo and overweight, but I have other talents. My boyfriend is 23 and he is cute as hell, and very loyal.
I like beauty. It feeds my soul. And gives me hard ons. If I had an ugly boyfriend, and I have nothing against it per se, provided that he is nice and smart, I would probably resort to viagra or enjoy bottoming more.
Billy Budd
I was very cute once but I am not anymore. Now I am 43 yo and overweight, but I have other talents. My boyfriend is 23 and he is incredibly cute, and very loyal.
I like beauty. It feeds my soul. And gives me hard ons. If I had an ugly boyfriend, and I have nothing against it per se, provided that he is nice and smart, I would probably resort to the blue pill or enjoy bottoming more.
broadshoulder
I am afraid I know how you feel
ChrisK
@Billy Budd: Wow. 23. Jeez you really hit the jackpot dude. I love how on every single one of your posts you find a way to remind everyone of that.
ChrisK
@Billy Budd: Then again maybe I should say he hit the jackpot. I mean I’d want good compensation too for getting porked by porky every night.
Billy Budd
@ChrisK: Jealousy won’t get you anywhere. LOL
rand503
This article is so true. Yes, I am average looking, at best. And yes, I am attracted to good looking guys. Yes, I know that is shallow. Yes, I know that I am applying the same standards to guys as they are to me. And Yes, I know that some of the best boyfriends are not the hot guys who jump from bed to bed and will remain loyal whereas the hot guys are often superficial.
Knowing all that, I still get hard for the good looking guys and not for the average guys. The only different is that Im not complaining or whining about why I don’t have a boyfriend. I know full why and realize that I could easily have a boyfriend if I went just wasn’t interested in sex appeal. It’s my problem, there is no real solution, but it’s nice to know that other guys are in the same boat.
TinoTurner
I am a confident, very good looking gay guy and let me say this, it’s not easy out there for anyone. Yes I get guys staring at me and offering me dates but I rarely accept because i think they’re only interested in my looks. I’m a well traveled, first generation American. I have great stories and life experience, yes my looks get me dates frequently but rarely does it lead to a second. I am physically fit but I’m not perfect so I’d never expect the same from someone I’m interested in. It’s all about confidence, anyone can acquire it and it’s hotter then big biceps. I love average looking men because they know they’re not “pretty” and hopefully they make up for it with personality. I actually avoid pretty boys because they’re less and vapid. A confident, average looking guy should what I like.
MarionPaige
this reminds me of that gay porn blogger who keeps posting pictures of himself when he was a kid, had blonde hair (then) and didn’t look as ethnic as he looks now in photos. But seriously,
Consider the sample size. How large a community of people do you let judge your attractiveness before you conclude you are unattractive? I live in a city of 8 million and, believe it or not, even in a city of 8 million with thousands of standards of what is and is not attractive, there are still people convinced that their look is ATTRACTIVE across all demographics. It’s like in that movie
The Gods Must Be Crazy when the African who had never seen anyone White said: “I’ve just seen the ugliest creature in the world”.
MarionPaige
I’m sure a lot of people have experienced going to college or moving to a new town and having a new group of people respond to them differently. There is a Twilight Zone episode of a guy who was ugly on earth but hot to people on another planet. attractive is relative
This said,
I find continuing pleasure in the fact that a superficial queen into labels and the alleged top things in life and who was an acknowledged beauty when he was younger is now in his 50’s, not so universally acknowledged as a beauty and he had the ugliest lover.
Chase the Rainbow
If you look at the rest of the Article, his “star crushes” range from Rob Gronkowski (Germanic-looking muscular handsome white guy) to All American Rejects lead vocalist Tyson Ritter (Eastern European looking Gaunt handsome white guy.) Maybe his view of “attractiveness” is smaller than he thinks. If he’s looking for a white guy, he should say that. He’s cutting his dating pool in half.
Being white definitely adds to the “attractiveness” in the minds of a lot of gay men. I’d say I’m average looking (lower as I live in NYC.) As shitty as that is, I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of that before. Non-white guys that were so handsome that I’d never expect to be interested were and average looking white guys have given me the stink eye for checking them out or not responded on apps. I’m 6’3″ and i find the same goes for height.
The author may not be looking for a boyfriend twin, but it seems like he’s looking pretty close.
He excerpts and article by Jerry Plaza “I’ve seen gay guys watch viral videos of gorgeous gay couples on Instagram and whisper to themselves, “Oh my god. I want that.” And you know what? I want it too.”
Personally, I usually find hot Instagram guys attractive for a photo or two. Once you see how often they post and God forbid watch them in a video, they almost always seem insufferable.
Markback
Here. Here
Heywood Jablowme
Too bad he can’t move to Garrison Keillor’s fictional Lake Wobegon where everybody was “ABOVE AVERAGE”!
This guy is way too quick to dismiss such things as the ability to “exude confidence, socialize” etc. Those qualities can make all the difference. And a cute guy with no confidence (yeah it happens) is an easy target for abuse.
jkthsnk
This is not a specifically gay issue. We all seem to be conditioned to rom com itis. One of the sad fallouts of the plague was the derailment of gay sexual liberation. The idea of beauty was physical yes, but spirituality and loveliness were as equally valued. Now were all reduced. What a bore.
CaliKyle
I could understand if the author characterized himself as obese, homely, very short or some combo thereof. But to claim to be so utterly bereft of potential romantic opportunities solely because he’s “average looking” suggests this guy is likely deep in denial about his obvious lack of confidence, charisma and engaging personality. If he spent more time developing interests and improving his attitude instead of focusing on how much great sex and love he thinks better looking guys are getting he’d up his odds of the same. Sprucing up one’s exterior without getting weird and obsessed about it never hurts obviously but his bigger issue is his sucky woe is me attitude combined with a conviction that being an Average Joe means misery. Most guys gay or not are average at best – yet most tend to be reasonably content and successful. He’s more Eeyore than Avg Joe it seems.
AxelDC
Pretty much the same as for homely straight men and women. Dating woes in the gay community are not unique to gay people.
Steve
How right you are. I feel I fall in that category too and enjoy when a man tells me I am attractive. I would rather much hear that then the door close after a hook up. I also disagree that I need to be more open to hooking up if I want to find love.
TheBigOne
“Being attractive seems to be pretty much a necessity to feel a sense of belonging in the gay community,”
That line alone pretty much sums up why I will never feel a sense to belong to the gay community. Beauty comes in all shapes and colors and I do not need to impress anybody with unimaginable standards.
heath0043
@ChrisK: Fat shame much?
toastedfish
I know how he feels. It’s impossible in Sydney too. Tried a headless torso pic on Grindr I get lots of messages. Soon as I send a face pic I get blocked. Just learnt to live with it
DrJohn
If you can’t get the man you want, BE the man you want.
Gates
I think average looking guys are better off than the very goodlooking ones. I’ve never seen an average looking guy have a problem getting a date. I’m thinking this guy must be obese or have a personality flaw or something. Even goodlooking guys get rejected The goodlooking guys have a harder time getting older because they are used to being the belle of the ball, and that stops once they are older and many of them become bitter and cynical and are always saying, “I used to be hot!” as they cry into their drink.
Arconcyyon
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Arconcyyon
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Hillers
@jkthsnk: Yes, but straight people have far more plentiful options and none of the discrimination/stigma BS we deal with. Average- and ugly-looking straight folk get it on all the time.
chuck
I complained to SF supervisor Scott Wiener that it was unfair to ban public nudity because some unattractive men’s best assets were not able to be appreciated. I have known many guys that totally made up for their lack of appeal in that department. I had a 25 year LTR with a man who used to say he knew I didn’t pick him because of his face. He was right!
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
I’m between a 1-3 looks wise. I look like a serial killer I’m that frightening to look at but I have no problem getting dates because I stay in my lane. I don’t approach guys 8 and above. I don’t waste their time or bother them because that is what below average guys do – bother. I date other 1-3s and we have a great time. I’m very happy. And, no the gay community is not looks obsessed anymore than the straight. It’s a matter of being shallow and not shallow and fugly guys are very shallow – as some have mentioned here and yes, it is their fault and yes they will be alone their entire life. You only live once – either do it alone or with a companion. If the shallow prefer being alone – good for them.
nycgam
This article is so silly. How is this any different from heteros? Understand the title of this article. Most of us are average ( the majority ). If you have the poor me attitude ( which is damn unattractive) then you now have become below average. Sorry but that is the truth. I read all the postings on gay sites and even the hottest photos can make you dick go limp after you read their lists of no’s. The negative tones make that 10 into a 5 at best. We all have confidence issues. Know that others share the same feelings. Be open and generous with your emotions and you will attract the right person. Now if you are damn ugly, I don’t know how to advise you. I too am just average but not bogged with envy and self pity. I feel pretty good and happy
Evji108
@Billy Budd: 43 is not that old, and it is perfectly possible for normal men to maintain their looks and body to remain attractive at that age. You have a 23 year old bf, but if you want to keep him you had better shape up. Looks aren’t everything, obviously, but if you can’t maintain yourself at 43, just think what you are going to look like at 53.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@Hillers: No they don’t. And, the racism is deep within straights. Interracial couples are hated more than gay couples. I live in NYC and I can’t tell you how furious and disgusted men get when they see a white woman with a black man.
Charlie in Charge
Well if we are using the word “average” correctly than most of us are average. We peak in our early 20s and the ones who work out a lot and take good care of our skin and teeth will be able to prolong that slightly.
There are merits to staying in your lane. People who are average but are open to dating an average guy will find happiness, whereas people who are average but only give “hot guys” consideration are going to have a hard time of it.
I think any straight woman reading this might say “and your point is?”
deppa
@RomanHans:
That’s so lame. There are plenty of gay guys that don’t like the male version of a “real Housewife” w/ washboard abs and botox. Many like the normal physique that many straight guys have.
What one person considers unattractive, another considers attractive. I don’t think we all need to be identical gay smurfs.
JohnMc888
I am always amazed at how many loving gay couples are made up of two average or even not attractive men. More power to them. I have never been alienated from my origins and don’t belong to a gay culture but I interact with many gay people, most like me, some more active in the “gay community.” I have also always openly supported gay rights, and have done leg work on getting marriage rights for gays.I sometimes think I make people active in the gay community uneasy because I talk about many things but never about sex or being gay. But I do have some pleasant gay friendships. I always have had an obsession with a certain kind of male attractiveness (gay or straight) and as a result I have had almost no gay sex relationships. I’m told I’m good looking but that hasn’t helped me, lol. Some people are lucky in love, and some of us are not. But It must be very painful for people, like the author, who keep trying, understandably, to find the “someone” (I don’t).
Eye of the Beholder
And the reveal is: He’s BLACK!!
“Dupuis calls never being hit on: a little lonely as well as depressing.”
I suggest he start being more aggressive then. Just ask any gay Black man: Nobody in the gay community has been tasked with making you feel warm & fuzzy inside to your standards; let alone find you attractive. Btw, it sounds like he’s contradicting himself.
“If all I was looking for was a warm hole or to be someone else’s, I guess I could do that. … But I like to be attracted to the guy I’m with and I would like to think he finds me attractive. Quality not quantity.”
Well then, aren’t you just better than the rest of us? He deserves what he gets.
So many contradictions: Is this even a real person? I question.
RomanHans
@deppa: Ha! If exercising means shooting botox into your face I’m not going to your gym.
Eye of the Beholder
@Billy Budd: I think you contradicted yourself.
“I was very cute once but I am not anymore. Now I am 43 yo and overweight, but I have other talents. My boyfriend is 23 and he is incredibly cute, and very loyal.”
Who says 43 or overweight is particularly unattractive? Everyone has their own definition of overweight. And I would imagine that if you didn’t exaggerate the truth (and your looks truly used to be “very cute”) then your definition of overweight is a bit forced.
You’re mature, you’re heavier than your twink years, and you’re talented. Yup. Sounds like a very attractive man, hence the 23 year old boyfriend!! See what I did there?
So, how exactly are you relating again?
Captain Obvious
Rename this article “I don’t want to exercise WAAAHHH”.
vbnudeguy
This sounds less like being unattractive and more like having low self esteem. I am definitely in the average category. Some people find me attractive and some don’t. Some people just want a piece of ass and some want a relationship. When interacting with other guys I often find very good looking guys with horrible self esteem issues. Anyway, I’m not a fan of the wine-fest. Ugly, middle-of-the-road, or strikingly gorgeous doesn’t matter when you’re honest with yourself, confident, and present yourself as someone others would want to be with.
Pete
Age is a factor, too. When I was in my 20s and early 30s, it was usually my choice if I left a club alone. But then the career took off, gym-time went down, hair started to thin, etc. So I just don’t go to clubs anymore. I’d rather be celibate than be objectified as a ‘sexy daddy’.
ChrisK
@Eye of the Beholder: Billy budd has for years talked about his love for the underaged and continually boasts of being able to fuck 14 yo’s in his country. He’s obsessed with the very young so therefore being 43 and fat today is ugly to him.
ChrisK
@Pete: So rather then people being attracted or looking at you as a mature man you’d rather be celibate and lonely.
Billy Budd
@Eye of the Beholder: Thanks so much for your words.
Tomt180
Try being average & overweight & coming out in your 50’s. The hat trick of of being invisible in the gay community.
Doug
The problem is that the focus of most of the gay community – and Queerty is a great example – is that the “average” gay man is very rarely celebrated as a role model. Everyone’s too interested in drooling over the latest tv, movie or porn personality and avoiding anyone who looks like a regular guy.
Raymond Saint-Pierre
First, I demand a rational, cognitive brain! Then I consider it’s expression. Bodies are only bodies,not relationships!
Heywood Jablowme
@Tomt180: And since there are a lot of guys in your exact same situation, maybe you should get together and stop blaming the community?
It’s not the community’s fault you waited til your 50s to come out, and it’s certainly not our fault that you’re overweight. In fact, I hear it’s actually possible for you to do something about the latter! Seriously!
braendyn
“But I like to be attracted to the guy I’m with and I would like to think he finds me attractive. Quality not quantity.”
Okay…well everyone else just wants what he wants. It’s easy to overshoot in our expectations and we’ve all been well indoctrinated in the dominant parameters of what is considered attractive.
and when people say “average” it is usually referring to their fitness level rather than the actual aesthetics of their face etc.
Not everyone needs to be gym obsessed or on steroids but if people aren’t responding to your ‘dad bod’ there are habits that can be adopted to mitigate it.
I personally don’t understand the tone of victimization, or the conflict of thoughts expressed by this person.
SonOfKings
He is not being overlooked because he’s average looking. He is being overlooked because he’s average looking without an athletic, gym-built body, tatoos, charisma, or some other gimmick to supplement his average looks. Most of the body boys at my gym are, in truth, very average looking in the face, but they have those other attributes and CONFIDENCE to push them over the edge into hotness. Some of us are born to slay in the sex department, others have to WORK at it. He’s not working hard enough at it, and needs to refocus and redouble his efforts. Man, get yourself a body!
michel_banen
I consider myself totally average. Walked into a gay youth center for the first time nearly 20 years ago. Met a very nice guy there and next march we’re celebrating our 20th anniverasy. He’s the fist guy I ever dated and I never got to experience the whole “gay scene”. We’re both average guys and totally happy with the way we are. Now THAT is what most people are looking for…. right ?
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redzebra1
I’m average I’d say and not been hit on, as it wre. Got interested looks I think. Certainly willing to bet that first encounter means your appearance coubts for 80% of attraction at the instinctive level. People that aren’t shallow will give you a chance and actually try to get to know you. Not been approached by an ultra-cute guy, nor stereotypical hunk. Half-dreading it, esp. As ut aeems rhey just have inflated egos and won’t go for a full relationship; I’ll walk away the moment it looks like I’m being used
john_izzo
Wow. This article makes gay men appear so shallow. I am an average looking gay guy and honestly I do not care if anyone thinks I am attractive or not. I am in a great relationship of 20+ years. If you dont think I am attractive or cute anymore because I am in my 40s who gives a shit. I am not looking to hook up with anyone anyway. I am not fat, however, I dont have abs and not so sure I want to work so hard to get them. Whats the point? I am fit and my partner finds me attractive. Dont hold yourself up as a gay man to ridiculous standards. Id rather have a conversation with an average looking nice guy than some hot stereotypical shallow twit. Dont people realize that 80% of attractiveness is not looks, it’s personality. If you just want a fuck then yeah maybe its the reverse, but if you want to get to know someone and be with someone long term, a hot body gets pretty boring after a while if thats all they have to offer.
john_izzo
@Tomt180: You dont have to be overweight. And since people are living longer and longer, Id suggest you get fit and stop using that and age as an excuse. There are plenty of attractive gay men in their 50s and 60s.
john_izzo
@Hillers: So do gay men. Check out Grinder.
john_izzo
Who are we to judge who is and isnt attractive. All people are attractive…some in different ways. There are no ugly people…just ugly attitudes. Dont judge people..that is truly UGLY!
john_izzo
People should also be easier on themselves. Who really gives a shit what other people say or think. The only one that matters is you. If you dont like what you see work at it. God didnt create ugly people! Believe in yourself. You are beautiful even if you dont see it. Smile more. A smile can quickly change the way people perceive you. Most of all be yourself.