Where There’s Smoke, There’s Pontiff: White Smoke In Vatican Signals New Pope Has Been Chosen

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White smoke has been seen rising over the Vatican, signaling that either the College of Cardinals have elected a new pope, or all the stress has pushed them to light up the biggest doobie on Earth.

Thousands are gathering in Vatican Square, awaiting the arrival of the 266th pope of the Roman Catholic Church, who is locked inside the Sistine Chapel until he (or she, fingers crossed!) steps forward on the balcony in front of St. Peter’s Basilica and greets the faithful.

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  • Aidan8

    Actually, they’re just burning reams of documents and files regarding decades of child abuse…. You know, as an offering of contrition to their god. What a joke… I cannot believe anyone can take these ladies in dresses seriously any more…. CONclave….

  • 1EqualityUSA

    Idolatry is so antiquated. Aidan8, right on.

  • sfbeast

    apparently the selection is based on whoever has molested the most children, and they were having trouble with the high numbers. they had to call in a computer tech to keep score.

  • Caleb in SC

    It’s a false alarm. The white smoke at the Vatican is the College of Cardinals doing what everyone does at college — passing a blunt.

  • Cam

    Considering the old Pope is still going to wear White, is keeping the name Benedict the XVI and will be referred to as “Your Holiness” I’m curious, will the new Pope’s job just be to shred documents on how the old Pope protected child molesters and run to Prada to get him new shoes?


    Jorge Mario Bergoglio is the new pope. Although he is from Argentina, a fairly liberal country, he does not seem to be as open-minded as many Queerty readers would like. According to Wikipedia, he apposed same-sex marriage in Argentina, for instance…but he does say that the Church should respect gays and lesbians…so perhaps he is a step in the right direction.

  • BJ McFrisky

    Is there any reason for Queerty to be reporting on this other than the opportunity to bash religion? I guess some people just need their daily fix of hating on others—there’s no other explanation for why this article exists. Sad.

  • Chad Hunt

    I love being right. What did I say? The next Pope would be from South America and be a Latino.

  • 1EqualityUSA

    Chad Hunt, He’s actually Italian by genetic line.

  • Chad Hunt

    @1EqualityUSA: Technicality … LOL … born in Argentina makes him a native Argentine.

  • 1EqualityUSA

    So John McCain must be Panamaniac?

  • Aidan8

    @BJ McFrisky: Yes BJ, because we all know the RC Church has no influence over the slow grind of women’s rights, LGBT rights, the poor and marginalized, etc. So yeah, silly of us queers to pay any attention or, gods forbid, to “bash” the church. Then again, it’s those damn liberal with their constant need to hate, right?

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