We almost spit out our Ensure when we heard someone was remaking Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Of course, we’re still recovering from the trailer for Lifetime’s redo of Steel Magnolias, so you know we take these things pretty hard.
The Aldrich Company has just announced that Walter Hill, who has helmed everything from 48 Hrs to Brewster’s Millions, will be tackling the update of the camp classic.
This immediately begs the question: Why? Baby Jane is beloved by a small subset of the general population (namely us queens) and is hardly suited to today’s Twilight-watching tweens.
More importantly, the film endures because of the actresses involved—feuding film icons Bette Davis and Joan Crawford—more than the plot or script. The 1991 TV remake capitalized on that dynamic by casting real-life sisters Vanessa and Lynn Redgrave—and even that had, shall we say, limited success.
But if this remake is going to be made, it’s gotta be all about the actresses playing Blanche and Baby Jane. Hill hasn’t picked his leading ladies yet, so we thought we’d toss out some suggestions:
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: Everyone assumes the former Full House stars are batshit crazy anyway, and the Olsen sisters are savvy enough to capitalize on it. Bonus points if Mary Kate and Ashley both play Baby Jane and their rising-star sis Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene) plays hapless Blanche.
Queen Latifah and Jada Pinkett Smith: Latifah’s already dipped into the remake pool with Magnolias, so why not another go as Blanche? And Jada’s got that hard edge you want from Jane. Must come from years of putting up with Will’s foolishness.
Meryl Streep and Julianne Moore: We would just die—die! die! die! Can you imagine? Especially if the studio ditched Hill and got Todd Haynes to direct.
Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry: This is conceivably the only way a Baby Jane remake could be a real cash cow. Have Madea and Big Momma reel around the house making sexual innuendos and poop jokes.
Okay, those are our picks. Who would you cast in the remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
Feature photo: David Shankbone