Which Judge Showed Her Titties To Make An Artistic Point On Ru-Paul’s Drag Race?

Last week no one got eliminated (BO-RING). But this week, someone’s gotta go. Our money’s on Carmen Carerra because she can’t break out of that trashy Jersey girl thing. Also, it won’t be Alexis because she just rocked that last challenge so hard. Seriously, even though she has been doing her “uber-Charo” routine all season long, she’s starting to get more interesting. A decent comedienne and a DADT story? If she learns how to keep workin’ that accent she could raise an army of gay Latino men—f’real dough!

But I actually learned who the winner is of Drag Race season three. I don’t want to give it away because I think we all know who the final two will be, but let me tell you… it’ll be one to watch! In the meanwhile, let’s watch this week’s episode.

9:00 PM – The winner of Rag Race will get a lifetime bucket of makeup, $75,000 pink dollars, and a drunken tour sponsor by Rubbing Alcohol! Wait… who the hell’s makeup is on the mirror? No one left last week. Carmen is all like “You know why Ru didn’t eliminate us two losers last week? Because we’re too damn good. You bitches should be scared.” And Shangela’s like um, somebody slap her. You know Carmen must’ve smoked some of the Postmodern Pimp Ho’s crack cause britch is crazy if she thinks she’s a threat. She’s as dangerous as baby Chihuahua.

9:05 PM – The girls have to play Ru-sical chairs as they put on on high heels and walk around two folding chairs as my future husband and his black friend watch on in their underwear. Whoever doesn’t get a seat has to sing the next lyric in Ru-Paul’s songs. Wow. Who knew Ru-Paul’s songs had lyrics? I don’t listen to RuPaul’s music usually unless I’m forced to at a gay bar. I immediately begin drinking heavily. OK, so honestly I do listen to “Supermodel of the World” when I am in need to some serious gay empowerment. It’s also a good weightlifting song. Yes, I am one of those gays.

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9:13 PM – Camren boots Shangela, Raja kicks off Carmen, Raja smooshes Alexis, Manila slips off Yara, and then gives Raja the kiss off. Manila wins! And now the queens will each need to perform a new Ru-Paul song “Superstar” in a different musical style for Ru-Paul-a-Palooza. In comes handsome corporate gay Jefferey Moran who explains something or other about the music industry… no one really listens because they’re all busy getting drunk.

9:19 PM – Manila helps pick out music genre CDs: Manlla gets disco, Raja picks punk, Yara picks pop, Alexis gets Hip-Hop, Carmen picks Raggae, and Shangela gets stuck with country. But then Shangela plants a wicked idea into Carmen’s twinky-brain: what if Manila picked you to choose your music second to last, BECAUSE SHE’S SABOTAGING YOU???!!! BECAUSE SHE’S AFRAID OF YOU!!!! Aren’t all you girls supposed to be Heathers? What happened to your little girl gang from the last three episodes? Maybe all that Heathers bullshit went out the window when Manila eliminated fellow-Heather Delta Work two episodes ago. HAHAHAAAAAA!!! Blood ain’t thicker than nail polish, britches!” God we love Shangela. God bless her black little soul.

9:23 PM – Yara’s singing sounds like someone strangling a deaf girl. Too bad she can’t just play a horny Spanish midget with diarrhea like she did during her stand-up routine. In advising Raja, Ru provides a golden nugget of advice that should be the new motto for gay self-esteem: “What other people think of you is none of your business.” Translation: Forget all dem hoes and just be yourself. Sometimes when Shangela smiles she looks late twenties and other times she looks 52-years-old. Seriously. That girls has got some crazy shadows.

9:25 PM – A very cute studio producer Lucian lays down the tracks. Forget these singing ladies. I’d rather see Lucian make out with the other guy in the control booth. Alexis Mateo and I share similar taste in men. Her vocals sound shaky and nervous as she sings in hip-hop. “What would make you less nervous?” Lucian asks her. “I cannot say that on television,” she responds with a cock-hungry glare. Lucian looks ultra uncomfortable because he’s straight and only puts out for Ru.

9:28 PM – Carmen’s sings a very flat horrible raggae song and Yara follows up by singing a horrible pop song. We won’t be rushing to buy their covers of Superstar on the iTunes store.

9:36 PM – Commercial: If you’re a dyke and you eat a Yorke Peppermint patty, you will have an orgasm.

9:37 PM – The ladies get MP3 players with their recorded songs. Alexis says he sounds “sickening” by which in his version of English means it sounds ten times better than he sounded in studio. Carmen thinks his song sounds like crap and so he doesn’t want anybody to hear it. Uhh… we already heard it and you’re right. Maybe Carmen can at least get a job as a music reviewer after she gets eliminated this week.

9:40 PM – Ru-Paul comes in looking mighty fine… err… I mean frightening. Her hair and dress both have a scary dragon flair to them, like they’ll attack you if you dare eye-fuck her. One of the guest judges is Jody Watley, RuPaul’s favorite Soul Train dancer. You can tell Jody secretly despises RuPaul for mentioning Soul Train because it reveals her age to be somewhere around 100 years old. Oh and the other guest judge is Carmen Electra… if you care about that sort of thing.

9:42 PM – Out comes Manila with in a huge wig and performed a disco version of “Superstar” to an audience of literally twenty or so hipsters. Then Alexis comes out in star boobs and a kickin’ yellow leather get up for her hip-hop version. Shangela comes out in a skimpy cowgirl outfit that’s basically just a hat and a bandana. Then Yara Sofia tromps out in a glittery bikini doing a pop version that sounds like something the Pet Shop Boys produced.

Oh man! Carmen’s song sucks hardcore. She’s crazy tone deaf and now everyone can hear it. And she ain’t got no sort of dance moves. Does Carmen even know what Reggae means? By the looks of her dress she thinks it means “made of rags.” Then Raja comes bouncing in with a glittery mohawk and tons and tons of jewelry including a fucking silver skeleton’s arm. Jesus girl, where did you find that? In Librace’s tomb?

9:43 PM – Commercial: First they did a horror remake of Little Red Riding Hood and apparently now they’ve done one for Jane Eyre. Doesn’t matter. I don’t care if there is a book called Sense and Sensibility and Zombies, I’m still not gonna read a comedy of manners. I don’t care if it is a groundbreaking literary achievement for women. Give me Daphne DuMaurier any day! She wrote Rebecca… and The Birds. She and Angela Carter write some freaky ass horror.

9:48 PM – The judges rip into the girls with delight: Manila’s lip synch wasn’t on point and she went to the audience too quickly. Alexis’ big old titties and ass really sold the judges except for one judge. Shangela tried a Carrie Underwood and Taylor Smith look but her energy got a little sloppy (so much that she got a little un-country). Yara’s costume was a little too revealing for the male judge. Raja really owned the stage as a punk rocker because she was on fire. Looks like she’s gonna be the winner. Carmen’s outfit is the lovechild of Bob Marley and a random Puerto Rican but because she didn’t even try and rock her janky-sounding song she’s definitely on the bottom two.

9:51 PM – Carmen is not moving past the point of posing. They wanted Carmen to own it, but she just depended on her body, which was her problem basically from the get go. One of the judges pulls out her boobs to make a point about how she doesn’t like Alexis Mateo always pulling out her fake tits. Whoa! Do we have a fake versus real woman challenge on Drag Race? We’ll leave it to the feminist critics to dissect the what it means for a female judge to criticize a female impersonator for not having real tits. Hmmm… meanwhile Carmen Electra wishes that Carmen could fuck her while wearing her raggae outfit (Carmen wouldn’t even need a strap-on). Though Ms. Electra probably only wishes that so she could call out her own name during sex. How vain!

9:57 PM – Ru-Paul uses stoner humor to call Carmen’s reggae performance “half-baked” and say that it “went up in smoke,” which can mean only one thing… RuPaul is stoned right now. Shangela and Carmen lip-synch for their lives to Cher‘s “Do You Believe In Life After Love?” So predictable. And just as predictably, Shangela turns it out and Carmen sashays away. Next week, the ladies will participate in fantasy hair show. Let’s hope the wigs fly.