Who Wins?

Who Will Win the Bear vs. Twink War?

sufjansidebysideMaybe you’ve heard of Guerrilla Queer Bar, the loosely-affiliated social movement wherein gays and lesbians “take over” straight bars to jam the culture and get LGBT people out of their comfort zones.

Well, last week, the San Francisco chapter decided that it was high time that they stopped bridging the gay-straight divide and took the event to where the real fight is: In that perpetual war of the rrrrosas between bears and twinks. Guerrilla Queer Bar launched a surprise “Guerrilla Bear Bar attack” on Badlands on 18th Street in the Castro, best known as a bastion den of Twinkdom.

At long last the Bears vs. Twinks cold war has heated up! But who will win this existential battle for the soul of the gay community? More importantly, who would win in a fight? The Twink or the Bear? Let’s take a look, shall we?

The Fight Why the Bears Will Win Why the Twinks Will Win Winner
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Fashion Throwdown
If there’s one thing the bear community knows, it’s how to maintain a dress code. Of course, if you’re not into jeans or leather, you’re S.O.L. While many a twink is a fashion whore, wearing the latest labels, the longer they’re out at night, the more likely they are to be running around shirtless. Twinks win on creativity, bears win on raw style. Draw.
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Drinking Contest
Bears and beer go hand in hand. Not so good for the waistline, but definitely the right choice when it comes to pacing yourself. Long Island Iced Teas, cosmos, vodka whatever– Twinks are so excited to finally be over 21 that they’ll drink just about anything. They’re the alcoholic version of goats, in that regard. Twinks, hands down. Youthful metabolism and a lack of judgment pay off big time.
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All Out Brawl
Bears are big boys. They’ve had years at the gym. Those wrestling team t-shirts and leather harnesses aren’t there just for show right? Right? Twinks, like velociraptors, move incredibly fast. All that late night dancing builds up stamina. Plus, they move in packs. The bears take it without ever having to draw a fist; their display of raw power would shut down the nerviest of twinks.
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Good Citizen Awards
Bear organizations raise money for HIV/AIDS. They have a vast network of social events over the course of the year and they march in Pride parades. While individual twinks might donate time at their local LGBT Center, most are too busy putting their lives together or Facebooking for Obama to really be a part of any community. If the lesbians weren’t already running things so well, we’d be calling for a Den of Bears to rule over us all.
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Blind Date
If you like being butch, you’ll love bears. That said, if you decide to throw on some cologne before the date, get ready for a long speech on how scents are for women, blah, blah, blah. If you can keep up with them, a twink can be a lot of fun. They’re open to new experiences, so long as the new experience winds up at a dance club or in somebody’s bed. That’s right, we just said that twinks are whores. The twinks win. Not because they’re hotter, but because they’re easier.

Oh no! We seem to have a tie! Won’t you help us break it by telling us which will really win– The Tom Colicchio loving bear community or the Zac Effronesque World of Twinks. Let the war begin.