Each week online comedian, voice actor and chest hair model Sam Kalidi creates a comedic post for Queerty readers. This week he contemplates the drama that comes with dating an undependable gay dude. He welcomes your hate mail. You can find him on Twitter, Facebook,Instagram and at your local glory hole.
http://Instagram.com/samkalidihttps://twitter.com/samkalidi
Posted by Sam Kalidi on Thursday, March 17, 2016
bottom250
oh sweethearts this made me giggle
Giuseppe Ferrazza
Become??
Tobi
Aw, “soggy biscuits”, we used to play that.
Gary McGonigle
Some always were that way.
Scott Redner
“Instant” and easily obtainable “connections” made via the Internet or apps like “Grindr”
Jon Mackey
It’s not just gay men
Jutyen Xevyer
There’s no gay culture anymore. Young gay people don’t strive to know older gay people to grow within a community. And older gay folk don’t have anyone to mentor.
It’s the down side to acceptance. We don’t need solidarity, so kids get a watered down version of gay culture from TV.
Will Glitzern
If he looked like that I’d be scrubbing him down.
Louie Mars
Because they are over stimulated., short attention span, vapid, self absorbed ninnies.
Georgie Land
I blame internet dating sites. 😉
Mike Topjian
Gay men haven’t become flaky. Married/Bi-curious men have just become more numerous.
scotshot
@Jutyen Xevyer:
Agreed. It fell apart during the AIDS/HIV crisis. We lost a whole generation. That said, each generation is different and they go their own way as we did.
I’ve noticed that men in their late twenties are referred to as MILFs and Daddies. I’m glad I’m not in the middle of it all.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@Jutyen Xevyer: I’m a young gay person and my closest friends are/ have been older gay men. This has been the case my whole life.
AtticusBennett
i had older gay mentors, and (now in my thirties) am a Gay Big Brother to numerous twenty-somethings.
gay culture is not dead. it’s alive and well. it’s just no longer confined to bars and clubs.
dave lopes
The majority has always been flaky.
Glücklich
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey:
Same here, when I *was* considered a young person, and it’s still true. Most of my friends be they straight, gay, male or female are older than I am.
trell
“Why Have Gay Men Become So Flaky?”
BECAUSE WE HAVE! DEAL WITH IT!!
Stache
@scotshot: I think you mean DILF.
scotshot
@Stache:Yes, I did mean DILF! That’s the problem with being in a rush. Though I can imagine some referred to as MILF.
TrueWords
Gay men have to decide:
1. Are you dating to get to know each other…you can kiss, talk, hold hands and other forms of intimacy but you do not have to fuck or be fucked…many gay men have enough of a sexual history that they can prolong contact for a least a few weeks
OR
2. Are you dating to get to fucking one another?
Also many gay men behave EXACTLY in the same manner that they deplore in someone else…in other words it starts with YOU and spread the words to YOUR friends…
onthemark
@TrueWords: We “have” to decide those things? How about:
3. Maybe we’re fucking one another for awhile to see how good it is before we begin dating? 🙂
Stache
@onthemark: Maybe not the most noble but it is the way most men operate and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Realitycheck
It is pretty easy to read some one during the first meeting, so why did n’t they text you back? Because they are not interested, and it really doesn’t matter why, they just aren’t,
so what to do? Choose your date more carefully, make sure their interests match yours.
TrueWords
@onthemark: Well fucking is NOT dating and for many gay men it blocks them from dating..
You meet and fuck but you do not like the fucking so you move along before you can see a good person
OR
You wait and discover the good person and then you fuck and even if it is not that great of a fuck you can feel better about the person and the fucking because it is no longer just a fuck!
TrueWords
@Realitycheck: Also do not spend weeks texting each other…real things happen in the REAL WORLD not thru a phone, speak clearly about meeting in person and make it happen soon because waiting is for indecisive men who do not want to meet but rather want to stroke their egos by having someone desire them…
Many gay men need to build their resilience while not becoming jaded/bitter.
ChuckF
If you want to know if gay culture is alive check out the Lambda Lit web site http://www.lambdaliterary.org/ It’s full of stories about us being very much alive and how we love each other.
martinbakman
Society has gone flaky, not just gay men.
Kavish Javed
Mark Philip Joy Suniga you and me 5 years ago
winemaker
This article must have been written about the gay men in San Francisco. It seems the men here have the attitude that there’s plenty of fish in the sea when it comes to making a date, a better one might just be around the corner! You might meet the guy through a dating website or at church, the gym or through a friend or social gathering. Notice I didn’t mention bars or clubs. My experience has been that men that you meet casually in a bar or club are just out for a one night stand, fling now called “a hookup”. You might meet and go on a date and have a nice time, you both share some common interests and down deep inside, you want this to continue and see him again to see what might develop. He on the other hand might not feel the same, that’s the way it goes sometimes. There comes a time when it’s time to give up the search for the perfect guy, NEWSFLASH! he doesn’t exist. If the both of you get along well, are romantically interested in each other, have common interests, see eye to eye on a lot of issues, it’s time to make a commitment, stop the search, stop playing games and see what develops. Too many of us miss great opportunities by not being open to possibilities, and end up being alone. Being alone sucks, big time!
Ellie Smith
I now want filo pastry
onthemark
@TrueWords: Or… you fuck and even if it is not that great of a fuck you can still tell he’s a good person and you become friends after that anyway. It happens all the time! Jeez, you act like this is preventing people from even becoming friends. Nothing is stopping anyone from becoming friends.
@winemaker: I agree with you, although I think there’s a lot of weird psychological pressure nowadays on gay guys to pretend they want relationships when they really don’t. A lot of guys in reality are perfectly okay with being alone and don’t really think it sucks it all. (This may come as a shock to you but it’s true!) They say all the currently p.c. things about wanting a relationship and they go through the motions of looking for one, but it’s easy to find a “flaw” and escape… then they go through the whole charade all over again. But you’re right, people should be honest with THEMSELVES.
onthemark
@winemaker: Also: “You might meet the guy through a dating website or at church, the gym or through a friend or social gathering. Notice I didn’t mention bars or clubs.”
I noticed also you didn’t mention dating apps which I suspect have confused people with their often-incredible detail. When I wrote “flaw” in the previous post I should have put “incompatibility.” When you know almost TOO much about someone before you even physically meet, and they know as much about you, that can be intimidating no matter your personality type.
TrueWords
@onthemark: you can fuck and become friends if that is what you TRULY want but it should not be the consolation prize like Rice-Roni from a 70s game show…
Recently, a gay friend of mine was told by someone he was dating and I quote, “Are all your gay friends someone you have fucked?” my friend answered honestly “Yes” and the guy responded, “Should we just fuck and become friends or can you stand and deliver something more?”
Realitycheck
@TrueWords: Exactly, after all nothing for nothing, hiding behind a cellphone will not build a friendship..
TrueWords
@Realitycheck: But do you want friendship or do you want to date…they are vastly different and sadly ANY gay men have friends that they continual FUCK around with while proclaiming that they want to date…never putting down one to pick up another…such a paradox of lies and self-illusions.
Also, yes get off the damn mobile devices/apps and see the person; really HEAR the person and connect with the person…stop planning to meet and meet…some people spend a SHIT LOAD of time a day doing this and nothing EVER happens…
Jaime-Arturo Rodriguez Luevano
It’s not just gay men; straight people can be flaky too. And what Louie Mars said.
davidjohng
@onthemark: Right. And no wonder so many gay men are not only sex addicts but have this warped view of what a healthy relationship is. And are unable to relate to one another in any normal way So many are alone and unhappy. And this leads to deep sadness in later life. Quit putting so much emphasis on the physical. I agree there needs to be an attraction but don’t let that be the whole thing. Know and respect one another first.
TrueWords
@davidjohng: EXCELLENT RESPONSE…
1. We Think with the Wrong Head.
Honestly, this isn’t just a gay man’s problem; it’s a man problem. We think with our penises.
The difference is, gay guys obsess about crotches. The almighty crotch and pursuit of it cause us to miss the other stuff that’s just as pleasurable—like a great conversation or a killer smile. The reality is, a guy’s penis is only as powerful as the man it’s attached to.
2. Grass is Greener Syndrome.
Nothing new here. Again, this is a human condition. However, for gay men, the greener pasture often seems (seems being the operative word) to have a 6-pack versus a 5-pack, and a bank account that’s not consistently overdrawn.
The problem that arises with the “something better will come along” mentality is you suddenly wake up one day realizing you’re still waiting for the green grass to grow. Instead, be the guy you want, so you can attract the right guy that already is greener.
It’s time to quit aimlessly trolling through pastures.
3. Shy Away, Fly Away.
Nothing wrong with being coy and hard to get, until you can’t get a guy for more than a 15 minute blow ‘n’ go.
Word does get around, and if you keep crying wolf and don’t follow through with something more substantial, guys will take flight. It’s time to put the landing gear down and give guys, in all environments, more of a chance.
Instead of “No way, no how” at first sight, pull into the gate, land the plane, and see what he’s all about. Even if he is not the co-pilot you’re looking for, at least be man enough to authentically say, “You’ve been cleared for take off to find a guy that’s a better fit.”
4. Get Cozy with “C” word.
Take it slow, don’t force it, and just let the word flow off your tongue and past your lips … Commitment. Now, was that so hard? Of course it was.
Commitment is one of the toughest human traits to master. Yet, it’s not as scary as it seems. Why? Because everyone knows how to commit, even you.
You commit to the gym. You commit to work. You commit to finding sex. So, why don’t you commit to finding happiness? The trick is to get clear with yourself about why you desire commitment. Once you find that answer, the next step is to create your own rulebook for being in a committed relationship, however that looks for you.
5. Your Limiting Beliefs are Costing You.
Blame Mom and Dad all you want, but you can freely choose your beliefs, so it’s time to dump the ones that still haunt you, and no longer serve you. What you’ll find is that, the minute you shift any negative, non-serving belief into an energy-building belief that inspires you, nothing else will matter. You will be what matters, and the amount of self-love and self-confidence will be priceless.
TrueWords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPu11MZOnJ4
Bob LaBlah
I wonder how many times this has happened; you have sent forty or fifty text messages back and forth with someone you met on a hookup site only to learn once you finally met up with them “what the hell was I thinking about?”
SonOfKings
I hate to say this, but the biggest flakes are not flaky towards everyone. Just toward those the value least (if at all). If you are on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, that’s your wake up call to keep it moving and brush off the flakes.
Michael Hunter
he is soo yesterday
SonOfKings
And to those who feel the need to point out (in every thread) that it’s not just gay men who behave a certain way, I think that is already understood. I doubt any rational person believes flakiness is an exclusive gay trait. It’s just that this is a gay-oriented forum and many of us want to discuss how general trends may play out in distinctly gay settings. I am not that interested in talking about how flaky straight people are because I am sleeping with them, looking to date them, talking about them, etc. I didn’t come to a gay forum to talk about straight people and their issues.
onthemark
@SonOfKings: You’re right to a point, but they’re just being cautious. This site so often gets infested by self-hating homophobic comments. These usually begin with the phrase “The gay community is so ______” [fill in negative term].
“I doubt any rational person believes flakiness is an exclusive gay trait.” Again you’re right, but this site has plenty of irrational people!