A woman is concerned that her husband has been regularly masturbating with his best friend for years so she’s seeking help from advice guru Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
The woman and her husband, both in their 30s, have been together for about six years and married for two. Last year, they met up with her husband’s childhood friend and his fiancée for drinks.
At some point during the evening, the topic of sex came up. The woman says she was shocked to learn that her husband and his buddy used to jerk off together when they were younger.
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“It turns out they masturbated together as teenagers, which included ‘giving each other a hand’,” she writes. “I was taken aback by this, but they all seemed to think it was hilarious, and my husband was embarrassed, so I shrugged it off. Teenagers do things. We didn’t talk about it again.”
Cut to one year later.
The woman was at out with the fiancée for her bachelorette party when someone cracked a joke about the guys getting “too friendly” with the strippers.
“The fiancée said they were more likely to get too friendly with each other,” the woman writes. “She then started telling the group that she knew my husband, her fiancée, and at least one other guy from their friend group masturbated together into college and their 20s.”
According to the woman, the fiancée went on to say she suspected the guys still did it from time to time but “she doesn’t care because it’s ‘just jerking off.'”
“I’m now kind of paranoid about this!” the woman writes. “I did some Googling that suggested this is a fetish for some guys who are with women. Um, is it?”
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She wonders: “Is there a way I can bring this up with my husband without accusing him of cheating? If he’s hiding a major part of his sexuality, I kind of worry about what else he could be hiding.”
In his response, Juzwiak explains that the the “phenomenon of ‘straight’ masturbation clubs” is nothing new and probably nothing to worry about.
“There are guys out there who mostly have sex with women but enjoy the male bonding that comes with sitting around and busting some nuts with other men,” he writes. “As you may have noticed, spending time with naked men is fun.”
Indeed, more and more jerk off clubs are opening up in cities around the country. They’re different from bathhouses in that oral and anal sex aren’t allowed, and, as GQ recently explained, many straight guys go to them as a way of anonymously bonding with other men and exploring sexualities without “cheating” or getting too gay.
Juzwiak continues, “So, perhaps this is not a major part of your husband’s sexuality but a minor one. The way I’m personally inclined to think about this goes something like: He could be sitting around with his buddies playing poker and holding cigars, or they could be sitting around watching porn and holding their dicks.”
Or course, if she has a problem with this, she should definitely speak up, Juzwiak says.
“If you’re in a monogamous arrangement, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to keep his hands on his own controller and not be playing another guy’s joystick,” he says. “Request more detail and clarity. He might be embarrassed, but he owes you the full story.”
“For maximum extraction potential, work from love and compassion, not shame.”
What do you think this woman should do? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Invader7
Like most women, you’re OVERthinking this issue. Put on a gay porn. And watch his reaction. If he over reacts- he has issues,and so do you. If he reacts casually, nothing to worry about. And so what if he’s jerking off with another man or men ? They could be boinking each other and LYING about it- and NOT playing safe. Cause in their minds they’re ” straight “. Like the classic Man seeking Man ad says: ” Straight man seeking another mans penis. I like penis but NOT men. ” Yeah right. DENIAL is more like it.
piriblue
Don’t overthink it. He is who he is. At least they were honest about it. Many men do it and they just never talk about it. Be glad he is comfortable with himself. No harm in a little experimenting. All men do it or want to try it at least once and then they move on. Part of growing up and finding out what you want.
thoryoung
Obviously, he has a strong intimacy with his friends. He may be afraid to tell her because men get stigmatized for having intimacy together. He may be bisexual. He may just be really comfortable with his sexuality and they probably grew up discovering that together. I would hope she can be supportive and be glad she is not with a person who is afraid of sex and sexuality. Offer to play together if that turns her on. Things are not changing. That is just who he is.
ShiningSex
HE’S AT LEAST BI.
I HAVE STRAIGHT FRIENDS WHO ARE COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR SEXUALITY, BUT NEVER DID THESE THINGS.
ONE OF THEM DID IT ONCE AND WAS NOT INTO IT AND NEVER DID IT AGAIN. THIS GUY OBVIOUSLY HAS DONE IT SEVERAL TIMES. SO NOT STRAIGHT.
Rob Moore
ShiningSex – Take a deep breath. Maybe he, maybe he isn’t. So what?
Daggerman
..yeah really, I believe most married men like a quick wank with another bloke, it has nothing to do with penetration so therefore the change is welcomed…wives don’t like asking, basically of the devastating facts they might hear. But like lots of secrets between married people they might already know but obviously act like they don’t…
ShiningSex
HE’S BI. NOT STRAIGHT. NO STRAIGHT MAN WOULD DO THAT MORE THAN ONCE.
xanadude
Don’t say “No man would…” Everyone is different. The question is what is acceptable in each relationship. Just ask him “Would you ever….” and that opens the convo to whether they have or not. Then decide if that is something you can live with or not.
Larry
Another reason I just dont get women!! His friend was around LONG before you Miss Wife. Is he supposed to forsake a life long friendship for you? NOT
Brian
That’s quite a leap. Nowhere did it say she wanted him to dump his friend. At this point she just wants to know if it’s still happening.
ShiningSex
Uh…sounds like he’s bi.
Sorry but I know a lot of straight men and they’d never give another guy a hand job. One is excusable but more than that is for fun.
Sorry but true.
He’s at least bi.
Brian
So where does this fall on the cheating spectrum, assuming there’s no approval given by the wife? It’s not actual sex, but it is certainly sex adjacent.
ShiningSex
HE’S BI AT LEAST. ONE TIME MAYBE. TWO? DOUBTFUL. MORE THAN THAT IS FOR FUN.
JUST EITHER ACCEPT HE SWINGS BOTH WAYS OR MAYBE HE IS CLOSETED. WHO KNOWS, BUT THERE’S NO WAY HE’S STRAIGHT WITH MULTIPLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS WITH MEN.
Heywood Jablowme
Does your CAPS LOCK key swing both ways? You seemed to figure it out and then you swung back!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Heywood. Poor old thing, she must be hard of hearing :-p
GREATGLORYHOLER
ShingSex, You are so full of Crap I am Gay but Growning Up My and my Straight Friend had Circle Jerks or Contests to see who could shoot farther. Now my 15 year old Nephew who lives in another state has a Group of Friend and They call it having a Blanket Party. They get 3-4 Guys to spend the night at one of their homes and they sit and watch movies and Jerk Each Other Off under a Blanket. This has been going on for at least a year and the group of friend has grown because word gets around. If This Wife has a Vibrator she is doing the same thing except with a Battery Operated Device. Most men Jack off at least once a day or More Is she Offering Sex that much? Most Likely NO . You are just BITTER BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY WITH YOUR PENIS
Brian
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THE SAME POST 4 TIMES IN ALL CAPS. THAT’S NOT ANNOYING AT ALL.
studman129
I think this happens a lot more than anyone knows. People say I know straight people Anna they would never do it. The truth is you don’t know everything they do because they are afraid of being labeled as gay or bi. Also like my wife and I agree. If I’m with a guy it’s not cheating and if she’s work a girl is not cheating. Only with opposite sex is cheating.
Karrnal
As his wife and most women know, playing with penis is fun. Why should her husband be denied having fun?
Luminosity
Do you really know nothing about being faithful and loyal with your partner when you are married? You don’t get to cheat on your wife just because you may be bisexual. Unless they have an open relationship, the husband has committed adultery if he has sex with anyone, men or women, other than his wife.
GREATGLORYHOLER
Luminosity Can I ask? Does Your Wife have any Sex Toys or are you there for her every sexual need? If she has a Dildo or You both Pay with Sex Toys that is just like Cheating because more than likely she is getting more pleasure out of the sex toy than she is with You
Luminosity
Let me remind you of what adultery is: voluntary sexual acts between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse. It’s a betrayal, unfaithfulness, and disloyalty, three things that hurt us to the bone. Don’t sugarcoat your cheating because of your own issues. It is what it is. Just own it.
dwes09
“Luminosity” has posted two things I agree with (wonders will never cease)! You make an agreement to be monogamous, you keep the agreement. It is not that hard.
And spanking the monkey with someone else is undeniably sex, especially if you give your buddy a hand.
studman129
Exactly.
studman129
Karrnal, exactly
Terrycloth
A man marries a woman hoping she will never change.
A woman marries a man hoping he will change
Both are disappointed
jomax36
@shiningsex not everyone is the same. Straight guys do do this. Ain’t straight so you ain’t going to denial this. Give anybody enough booze and they do anything. But doesn’t make them bi or gay.
studman129
Jomax36. This is so true. But as they say you don’t do anything drunk or High that you don’t wish you had the nerve to do sober. It just gives you a little more courage but you still wanted it. Enough with the labels, just enjoy your self.
Bob Scardino
I read these articles because I think I might be missing something, but I’m not.
Jaroslaw
I would say if he is currently jerking off with male friends or trading hand jobs without his wife’s knowledge then it is some type of cheating. Not buying the argument if wife uses toys she is cheating. Cheating involves another person. What he did as a teen particularly or as an adult before her seems mostly irrelevant. I agree with Juzwiak he owes her the whole story but if he is jerking off with buddies occasionally it seems pretty harmless. There are no perfect people.
baal61
They’ve done more than that! LOL.
studman129
You have no idea what they have done and who really cares. At least he’s not of with a female.
Creamsicle
This is why it’s necessary to have a conversation about expectations from your partner.
Define the relationship. Define what constitutes cheating. Don’t ever assume that your criteria for cheating match to someone else’s, and don’t go into a relationship expecting you love each other to stay the same forever.
Aires the Ram
@Creamsicle, B-I-N-G-O !!
If him and his buddy(s) have a little fun together every so often and get a nut, what is the harm? Is it her little girl fantasy that her Knight in Shining Armor whom she married, can be satisfied sexually with her and only her, for the rest of his life? How many women do any of you know who give their man a blowjob or a hand job every day or so because they actually WANT to? Huh? -waiting
–2 things, piggy-backing on Creamsicles comments above, DISCUSS what kind of relationship you want to have, sexuality and everything, BEFORE putting a ring on anyones finger, or before accepting a ring from them. If one person is pious and believes the marriage WILL BE strictly by-the-book, and just doesn’t bother to TELL their partner about that, then it’s a train wreck just-a-waitin’ to happen.