Janine Cole thought her life was perfect. She was happily married for over 20 years to her husband, Mike, with whom she had three beautiful children. Then three years ago, it all came crashing down.
One morning at the breakfast table, Mike looked up at her and said: “I’m gay.”
“I’d feared this day would come and some part of me knew it would, as we had spent the past two years on an emotional roller coaster incorporating his emerging attraction to men into our marriage,” she writes in a powerful and heartbreaking new essay published by Metro.
Janine explains that two years earlier, Mike had confessed to her that he was attracted to men.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
“He was adamant that he didn’t want to lose me—he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work,” she recalls. “With three kids, a full time job and helping my husband figure out his sexuality, I was completely underwater. We decided it would be easier to keep this to ourselves.”
After seeing a string of therapists, Mike determined that he needed to explore his sexuality in a deeper, more meaningful way. It took Janine a while to get on board with the idea. And even when she did, she was never fully on board.
“Intellectually, I had wrapped my head around it, but my heart was far behind. Those first few times he met his friend – another man who was also married – I had what I can only describe as out-of-body experiences.”
She recalls:
On the days they would meet up, it was painful watching him get ready and putting more effort in than he normally would. Then later, relief when I’d receive his text saying ‘I’m on my way home’. Those words were the reason I was able to do this for him – it meant he was coming home and I had made it through.
A few months later Mike’s friend came to realize that he was gay, not bisexual and he and his wife decided to end their marriage. I held my breath as this had been my fear from the beginning but Mike said it didn’t change anything – he was confident in his bisexuality.
As time wore on, however, Mike grew more distant and Janine grew more concerned her marriage was crumbling. Then came that fateful breakfast when Mike told her he wasn’t bisexual, he was gay. Shortly after that, he told her he wanted to pursue a relationship with his “friend.”
“I grieved hard for the end of our marriage. Knowing that my pain wasn’t our pain anymore; it was all mine. I know Mike struggled too, but he had someone waiting for him and it was hard to watch him start his new life while I felt left in the rubble of mine.”
Eventually, they were able to work through the chaos. Today, Janine says she and Mike are on good terms, despite their difficult and traumatic past.
“Mike’s discovery freed us,” she writes. “Neither one of us could have continued on the path we were on for much longer, no matter how much love there was between us.”
“I saw him struggle to accept himself and when it was time, I did the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” she continues. “I let him go.”
She says she’s grateful for the 21 years they had together, “especially those last two years.”
“As challenging as that time was, we grew as individuals and as a family,” she writes. “We demonstrated that love sometimes means letting go when it’s the right thing to do, that being who you are is always best, and that family doesn’t fit one mould.”
“We showed that separating doesn’t mean less love or more anger; it means different love and new ideas about what a family can be.”
Related: Bestselling author’s big Facebook reveal: She’s divorcing her husband because he’s gay
Donston
I guess this a perfect reflection of fluidity. But it also reflects how merely allowing your partner to do whatever is not gonna secure your relationship, even if there’s still love and attractions there. If they are looking for persistent passions, affections, romantic bonds, emotional connections elsewhere (especially if it’s not from just a bunch of randoms) your relationship is kinda doomed. Or at least it’ll be stuck in dysfunction. That’s why understanding the spectrum and being utmost honest with your partner is so important.
Cam
Another article about some guy leaving his wife?
Donston
Graham is obsessed with men leaving their wives to be with a dude and with guys who have a wife/gf but are having with dudes. It would be fine if the articles weren’t so unrelenting and clickbait-ish. This ain’t the 90s anymore. This stuff is no longer shocking or sensationalistic.
radiooutmike
This is totally what should happen if the couple loves each other.
I know in my own situation, I would have been comfortable staying married and parenting our kids in the same household if she had a different romantic partner. But then again, she could not cope with me seeing someone else.
baggins435
I dated a man in Utah with an ex-wife and kids. He said he knew he was gay when he got married, and so did she, but he was LDS and being gay wasn’t acceptable. The marriage was ok for a few years, but she started to resent that he really wasn’t attracted to her. They tried to keep it together for the kids, but they fought constantly. They divorced when the youngest was in high school and she tried to get everything he had. The only reason he was allowed to see the kids was because they were old enough to have a say. She told him he destroyed their family and she wished he was dead rather than leaving her. His son said he was glad they finally divorced as he couldn’t stand the fighting. While we were dating his son was living with him because the son couldn’t stand his mom still being angry and bitter and bad mouthing his dad. Apparently, even though the ex knew he was gay when they married, she thought between her “charms” and their church, he would become straight. In Utah there are a number of gay men married to women, which means if you want a relationship, you have to make sure you aren’t their side piece. It is one thing to get married while still questioning your orientation, but what I didn’t like were the ones who had no intention of ever coming out and acted like you were the one wrong if you didn’t want a married boyfriend.
Donston
I’ve had a couple of situations where married guys were offended that I didn’t want to legitimately date them. The entitlement. I generally try my best not to judge. I understand how extreme hetero pressures or internalized homophobia (or sometimes self-misandry) can be in dudes, especially when religion is involved. I understand confusions. I also understand fluidity. A guy can have some attractions to women and simply lose them as he gets older. I understand that a healthy relationship is not merely based on sex and attractions. The orientation spectrum is wide and diverse. While there are homosexuals who would never indulge fo’ real same-sex relationships under any circumstances and are perfectly content with hetero dynamics or genuinely overall prefer hetero dynamics. As long as they keep it real with themselves and their partners it’s not my place to judge. I’m just not here for the cheating, the manipulating and/or the stringing along your significant other when you know you’d have greater emotional fulfillment from someone else and you prefer persistent passions, affections, comfort, commitment from a very different kind of person. And no one is going to make me feel like I’m a bad person for not wanting a relationship with someone who is committed to somebody else.
ScottOnEarth
What a horrifying story. That selfish prick put his wife through torture as he went on dates with another man and decided “I’m on my way home.” Then, he decides to announce he’s gay but everything was about him. I admire her ability to stay close to such a hot mess.