A woman named “Mandy” says she recently stumbled upon her husband’s Grindr profile and she doesn’t know what to do, so she’s seeking help from the Advice Uncle over at The Gay UK.
“Last week, while [my husband] was in the bath, I was looking through his phone for our holiday snaps,” Mandy explains. “But I noticed the Grindr app on it.”
Mandy goes on to explain that she and her husband, both in their mid-30s, have been together for 10 wonderful years. When she saw he had a Grindr profile, she panicked.
“I’ve seen Grindr in action before, because some guys at work have showed me the app,” she writes. “I couldn’t help myself and I opened it up–now I wish I hadn’t.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Related: More and more gay people are making their partners take lie detector tests because of Grindr
Mandy continues: “He’s been sending pictures of his dick and ass to lots of fellas–and has been getting them back. I haven’t confronted him yet as I’m just not sure what to do.”
Now she wonders: Is he gay?
She goes on to say that if he’s bisexual, she’s not sure if she could continue with the marriage because “I don’t want to end up having to share him with other guys.”
But breaking up also isn’t an option because “we’ve recently moved into a new house, the mortgage is massive, I couldn’t pay it by myself and I need to live around here because of my work.”
Related: She thought the date was going great… then he started cruising for sex on Grindr
In his response, Uncle tells Mandy to first “take a moment and breathe.”
“There may well be a totally reasonable answer as to why he’s been sharing pics and getting pics sent back to him,” he writes. “Some straight guys love gay men’s attention. Doesn’t mean that they’re gay or bisexual or that they want to move into any type of same-sex relationship.”
He adds, “If he does turn out to be bisexual–this doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to have sex with other men–or for that matter other women.”
“Just because they are in an opposite-sex relationship doesn’t mean that they want to jump into bed with someone of the same-sex. It also doesn’t mean that they’re more likely to cheat on their partner than somebody who is gay or straight.”
Related: Man seeks his crew’s opinions of nude pic before sending to girlfriend
Uncle tells Mandy that what she should do is write down all the questions she has for her husband, plan a time to sit down with him, and be open to hearing his responses.
“Ultimately, your decisions will be formed by the information that you get when you communicate with him,” he writes. “Don’t be rash and whatever you decide sleep on it before making any firm decisions about what to do next.”
What advice do you have for Mandy? Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments section below…
Mister P
What is she wondering about? Wondering or denying?
Donston
These stories often come off as fake because they frequently involve people not acting like people. Very few would sit on that info and then ask a random advice columnist what to do. While the advice is almost always obvious and common sense-y.
But this is going to be my constant five-part answer whenever someone has questions about their sexuality and or the orientation of someone else: 1, Grown people have a right to date and have relationships with whatever type of grown person they want to. But there is a responsibility to always be honest about your dimensions and journey to a partner. 2, Having some type of attractions to someone, liking to get a certain type of attention from someone, and/or enjoying sexually engaging with someone are hardly the be-all’s of orientation. Those things are not the same as preferring to persistently please someone or preferring persistent passions, affections, affirmation, emotional support, love, commitment from someone. 3, The gender and orientation spectrum is incredibly wide and diverse. 4, Fluidity and/or confusions is a real experience for some people (though not nearly all). 5, Things like prejudice, fear and internalized phobias are still widespread. While sociological, political, religious, family, financial, ego pressures are all very prominent, and they guide all of us in some way or another.
These are five basic facts that everyone needs to understand. Until we as society get on the same page concerning those five things, there will continue to be a lot of manipulation and a lot of hiding behind identities and/or behaviors.
Tempus
Ok, lets be frank he didn’t go through the trouble of secretly installing Grindr and trading pics with gay/bi guys just because he enjoys getting his penis rated. Honestly that’s not actually impossible in theory as straight guys like everyone enjoy having their ego stroked so to speak yet the ass photos imply he’s likely into the idea of bottoming. She doesn’t mention any text, which you know there was some text, but I’d bet money he’s curious if not bi though I’m doubtful he’s gay. People who are bisexual are not more prone to cheat but the fact he’s doing this in secret as well as hiding his sexuality after 10 years implies to me that he has thought about cheating if not already done so. Obviously I don’t think she should end their relationship if he confesses to being bi but I can understand her being worried going forward that he’s cheating because he was flirting with men behind her back. If he just wanted pics he could look up gay porn.
Donston
These types of things aren’t really about identity. Plenty of men have come out as “gay” despite being married to women or claiming to have had “happy” hetero relationships or claiming to have attractions to women. Plenty of dudes claim to be “straight” despite persistently engaging with their sex. Plenty of folks all over the orientation spectrum and living whatever type of lifestyle claim to be “bi”. This is more about honesty and trust. It’s about what you expect/want from a partner and a relationship. And it’s about making sure the person you’re with is not driven by outside forces or internal pressures, making sure that they truly want you and prefers your love, affections, affirmation and commitment.
mountainmaat
Mandy, Mary, Mindy, mind you – all a repeat story for click bait.
Men are hunters and curious and most enjoy a pal like us to accept their curiousness. It’s what happens between men. Just take a look at some roman art.
It ain’t NEWS.
MrMichaelJ
Ok I’m not sure which aspect is more inane… That a husband would have Grindr on his phone where his wife could find it or that she just happen to find it when searching for pictures.
Cam
These clickbait stories are all the same.
Gee, I ACCIDENTALLY saw something that makes it look like my husband/boyfriend might be into guys. Then the advice is always something along the lines of “Gee, maybe him going out and having sex with men doesn’t really mean he wants to go out and have sex with men”.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
If only the icon cloaking feature didn’t require you to pay the monthly fee…..
Dunnedin
LOL…true or not. “I was going through my husband’s phone innocently looking for vacation photos (why weren’t they on your phone), I find something suspicious, open it, and regret it.” Sheesh, hasn’t she (or anyone else) not heard of Pandora’s Box? You have a choice, live with the results.
JamJewel
Mine is “crotch shots!” [especially the inadvertent ones… Obama, Prince Harry, Bonanza!]
The question is, “What’s your porn?” What gives you your harmless sexually jollies?
This one sounds like “How much is that doggie in the window?” with that husband being every Grindr guy’s doggie! You can see it, but you can’t have it!
And we know the word for guys like that, no?
GayEGO
She needs to have a discussion with her husband and ask him about his grindr communications.
C_Alan
“I don’t want to end up having to share him with other guys.”
Is she saying she’s a guy?