Carolyn Hax offers readers of The Washington Post with compassionate, thoughtful guidance to life’s many complicated social dilemmas.
But one concerned woman got the advice-column equivalent of “STFU.”
Seeking suggestions on how to deal with her friend’s possibly-gay husband, the woman wrote:
Many think my best friend “Sara” has it all: four adorable children, a successful husband (“Jim”), and a beautiful home. Jim is an absolute dear, but here’s the thing. I think he’s gay.
Recently, I sat down with Sara and shared my hunch. True to form, she listened attentively and thanked me for my concern.
But since then, Sara has not mentioned our conversation about her husband’s sexuality. I am concerned she is in denial. How should I gently revisit the topic?
Carolyn wasn’t having it, and good on Carolyn. This woman’s “hunch” is hardly enough to warrant inserting yourself into someone’s marriage. Talk to us when you see the Grindr icon hidden on the 6th page of his apps.
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But the advice columnist took it one step further, suggesting the woman was the one who needed help, not her friend “Sara.”
Here’s how she responded:
Never. Not gently, not roughly, not with discreet tactical brilliance, not ever. That’s how.
And if there were such a thing as boundary school, I’d sentence you to it. Because, oh my wow. This is so not your business.
With the benefit of all doubts firmly in place, I’ll venture you just really want your friend to be happy. And that’s great. But if your idea of helping her be happy includes a first step of having to persuade her that she’s unhappy, then that’s your flashing red railroad-crossing barrier, your Do Not Disturb hang-tag, your singing telegram reminding you to butt the heck (and everything else) out. If your friend wants your help, she can ask.
And while I’m here: No one, anywhere, ever, has it “all.”
For more, much more, of Carolyn Hax’s no-nonsense advice, read to your heart’s content.
Kangol2
Good for this columnist. If the blabbermouth had some kind of proof and wanted to alert her friend, that would be one thing, though I’d still say, keep your mouth shut.
But she’s just surmising this man is gay, and feels she needs to state that? I mean, WTF? Shut. Up. And stay out of other people’s business and bedrooms.
ShiningSex
actually WRONG.
if she’s a close/best friend and has a legit concern. She should talk to her on her reasons why. Maybe there’s more to it. Maybe she has seen something or heard something.
A true friend would tell. If true why let someone get hurt like that when you knew something (again assuming she knows something).
I would tell.
If it’s true, then it’s pathetic in these days where someone has to still be in denial or closeted.
Kangol2
@ShiningSex,
WRONG. She doesn’t know anything. She just has a feeling, She is basically putting doubts in her friend’s mind about her husband, which is really f*cked up. Support your friend, no matter what. If she has info, then share it. Otherwise, she needs to STFU and deal with her own home and family. Is she projecting her own insecurities onto her friend? She wouldn’t be the first to do so.
LukeHill1389
Good for this columnist. If the blabbermouth h….- You are really right But i am here not only to discuss this article but I AM LOOKING for NEW boyfriend. My whatsapp number is 17732425635 . Drop me some lines only if you are single and looking for love and pleasure..
baggins435
The first rule of friendship is knowing when to keep your mouth shut. I remember reading long ago that it takes two people to hurt you; someone to say something behind your back, and a “friend” to tell you what was said. Some people just have to be the one to break what they think is bad news even if they don’t know if it is true.
ShiningSex
a best friend would tell. i’d tell my friend and she’d want to know. i think some would be hurt or angry at first but would realize you were doing this as a friend and I’d appreciate it.
dean089
Great advice! More people need to learn MYOB. We’ve gone from the old days where everyone held everything in to today when people don’t know when to shut up. MYOB!
strategal
Social media, a lack of boundaries and people’s desire to have 15 minutes of fame has turned everyone’s life into an interactive miniseries that everyone feels entitled to but in on.
t
For real! Who does this nosy hag of a “friend” thinks she is to want to pursue anything more than just letting her friend know that she thinks her husband might be gay? It shouldn’t have even gone that far IMO and if her married friend wants to aske for her advanced opinion or help on this, then her married friend will ask. It is not up to the nosy hag to pursue anything further because then I would question how happy you would really want me to be if you’re “so concerned.” Geezus! Support your friend inthe case that it turns out to be true but none of that “I told you so” bullshit because that’s not being a friend to me.
ShiningSex
if she’s a close/best friend and has a legit concern. She should talk to her on her reasons why. Maybe there’s more to it. Maybe she has seen something or heard something.
A true friend would tell. If true why let someone get hurt like that when you knew something (again assuming she knows something).
I would tell.
If it’s true, then it’s pathetic in these days where someone has to still be in denial or closeted.
strategal
I’m guessing one of these scenarios could be a reality.
1. The wife could already know and she accepts it because he’s a good husband, father and friend.
2. The friend wants to prove that something is wrong because no one can “have it all” as she thinks “Sara” does. She is probably single with no children and subconsciously wants something to be wrong in Sara’s life because things aren’t perfect in hers.
3. If “Sara” listened and didn’t become angry enough to dump her busybody frenemy that means she may be observing things to see if there’s any validity to the accusation.
4. “Sara” could be doing the sensible thing of weighing the pros and cons of raising four children without a husband, possibly living in poverty as a single mom, her risk of unprotected sex if her husband is sexually reckless, or if she’s better off knowing unlike women with closet gay husbands.
Personally, I would be open to a respectful, trustworthy, generous, honest, and compassionate gay husband who wants a platonic relationship. I’d prefer that over a closet bisexual who could expose me to life-threatening conditions.
Jbaltes
You are absolutely right on all counts! Well stated!
ShiningSex
Most of what you said is true, but if he’s closeted and could possibly expose her to something (assuming he’s not safe, which many aren’t). She has the right to know and a good friend would talk her . People need to be adults and just be good friends. This whole “it’s not her business” is stupid. If she has a legit reason or proof, then let it be known.
As for women married to gay men….that’s just stupid.
Sad to say, but some women marry gay men in hopes of something changing or happening, unless the woman is a lesbian. Friends marrying NEVER works. Years ago, I knew three couples that had this arrangement and none of them worked out.
Be true to yourself and find a husband (of course unless you’re a lesbian). 🙂
Jbaltes
I love Carolyn Hax! Her advice is always direct and on point…and she doesn’t beat around the bush! She also has a way of pointing out other related issues that could easily be overlooked. As always, in this case, her advice is spot on! This broad should mind her own business and tend to her own house!
Too many people think they are “doing you a favor“ by butting in where they don’t belong!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
There was a follow up to this story which Queerty missed. The wife after thinking about what her friend said actually confronted her husband and asked him point blank if he was actually Gay
He replied absolutely not, however my boyfriend is Gay….
WashDrySpin
Not clever at all at best it is 1st grade humor but then again that is your intellectual level
tzwicky
The worst headline I have read this week.
Brian
What I especially love is that she’s already brought it up once, but since she didn’t get the reaction she wanted, she thinks she needs to bring it up again. Learn how to read the room, lady.
WashDrySpin
says the man who does the same thing here online until his mediocre point is heard
ShiningSex
If I were a good friend, I’d bring it up. I’d say “Well bitch, did you find anything out?” “or are you going to play dumb and be a victim of ignorance?”
Closeted men/men in denial is ridiculous today.
People need to get over their shit and be honest. It’s not that hard anymore. It really isn’t no matter what anyone says. Talk to people in the 80s and earlier and get back with how difficult it is now.
ltm29
@ShiningSex have some compassion for those in the closet. yeah i know it ain’t the 20th century when it was much more difficult to be out but the pressure and self doubt still exists today. seems to me that you’re the person who was out as soon as you knew your sexuality. well congrats to you, for some of us it is still a struggle to come to terms with our sexuality due to many factors, such as fear of what others might react, if you’ll be living at home once you’re out or if you’ll still have the same friends and family as before you were out.
would you rather force a closeted man out and have his already solid relationship and family be torn apart? or would you be a decent human being and respect that closeted people take their time and that’s that
winemaker
Wow, like this is so none of her God damned business, period! Some people don’t know boundaries and this nosy ‘yenta’ stuck her big fat bazoo where it didn’t belong.. Some people mind everyone else’s business but their own affairs. Who needs busy bodies like this for friends? Time to give her old friend the dumparoo!
ShiningSex
telling a friend something that could hurt them is not “butting in”.
I’d tell them.
If you’re a true friend, you wouldn’t want to see them hurt or being “used”.
batesmotel
This meddling friend sounds like Scorpio. I’ve noticed they tend to be meddlesome and will continue to persist that there is an issue that isn’t actually there. I’d dump that friend. It’s none of her business.
ShiningSex
yeah that’s mature. telling a friend something that may be hurting them.
I’d tell and I am NOT a Scorpio. Where do you get this shit?
This is something that could hurt them. Again, if there’s a legit reason/proof then I say TELL!!!!
I would want a friend to tell me if my partner/husband is doing something wrong. I should know. Most men won’t tell the truth until confronted or “outed”.
Osito
Sounds more like jealousy! Let me guess she’s white. Only white people wanna be in everyone’s business. I’m sorry I’m not a racist I just call it as I see it. The replied was perfect and concise, yes MIND YOUR God Dam business!
Cam
LOL! Sweetie if you’re going to change your name to try to troll and try another “Wedge between black people and LGBTQ people” posting, at least try to hide it better.
Donald Dork
Unfortunately most people who write to advice columnists don’t really want advice. They want the advice columnist to agree with them
ShiningSex
i agree with the friend not the columnist. I’d tell my friend. a true friend wouldn’t want to see their friend hurt if it’s true.
Being closeted or in denial is so 80s.
Toofie
Umm, she told the friend. The friend ignored it. Unless you have real proof, why bring it up again?
ShiningSex
if she’s a close/best friend and has a legit concern. She should talk to her on her reasons why. Maybe there’s more to it. Maybe she has seen something or heard something.
A true friend would tell. If true why let someone get hurt like that when you knew something (again assuming she knows something).
I would tell.
If it’s true, then it’s pathetic in these days where someone has to still be in denial or closeted.
Cam
You’ve posted basically the same comment a huge number of times on here. Do you have a stake in this story?
darkanser
Why this woman would tell “Sara” she thinks her husband, “JIm” is gay is beyond me. I sense a little envy – envy towards Sara and her seemingly idyllic life. Unless she saw something demonstrative — like Jim giving PDA to another man in a gay bar or something on that level – I don’t know why she’d open her mouth. If Sara actually responded as described, I find that interesting too. Maybe Sara knows her husband better than she’s disclosing to her nosy friend. She thinks Sara is in denial and wants to persist?? I’m surprised Sara was as gracious as she was. I’m surprised Sara is still talking to this busybody –but that might change. Yet I have to concede I don’t know the relationship between this woman and Sara, how close they might be. Perhaps Sara and Jim have an understanding that’s simply no one’s business but their own!!