Popular advice columnist Judith Martin, better known by the pen name Miss Manners, received a particularly cringey plea for help recently.
A woman wrote in expressing her desire to attend her nephew’s wedding in Washington, D.C. Seems pretty normal, except her husband is homophobic and her nephew is marrying a man.
“My husband said at the outset of the relationship that he would never attend a gay wedding because he feels it is not a real marriage,” she wrote.
Well, she could always go alone, right? Wrong!
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“I have no qualms about it; to me, it’s all about love,” she continued. “He now says he doesn’t want me to go because D.C. is a dangerous place.”
And it gets even sadder…
“I feel I should do what I want to do, which is go to this wedding; on the other hand, he will make my life miserable about it for a long time,” she predicted.
She concludes her letter: “We have been married for 40 years and he has always pretty much had the last word on everything, but I know I will resent him if I don’t go.”
Miss Manners offered some fairly bland advice, opting to ignore the possibility that maybe it’s time to rethink her husband having “the last word on everything.”
“It seems…that either way, there will be resentment,” Manners responded. “It is unfortunately up to you which form of it is more tolerable.”
“Not going to the wedding may well cause a rift between you and the rest of your family,” she continued. “And as a native and resident of Washington, D.C., [I assure] you that it is infinitely less dangerous than prejudice and intolerance.”
Our advice is a bit more simple: Pick out a nice dress and book that ticket.
WillParkinson
And do yourself a favor. Divorce that SOB.
Essie
This woman has been putting up with this disgusting man for 40 years. That means she is at least in her 60s or close to it. I can’t imagine she will go against his wishes this time. She probably has no clue what she will do if he leaves her and she is left alone at her age. He has taken away her backbone and she will never find it again. That’s why she wrote to an advice columnist. I think Ms. Manners gave her the correct advice because no matter what anyone says, this woman will not go against her husband. She is far more afraid of him than she is of her family.
Heywood Jablowme
Miss Manners is advising her to GO to the wedding. That’s unambiguous, I think. She’ll regret it more if she doesn’t go than if she does go.
Jaquelope
It sounds to me that the husband is a gaslighter. Nuff said.
RTG
There’s a Tammy Wynette song that sums up what she needs to do: D-I-V-O-R-C-E
She’s already wasted enough of her life with this louse.
quantum
Lol not to be confused with Tammy’s “Stand By Your Man”.
SamB
Who writes into an advice column anymore? Are these real?
Al
They don’t have to be real. The problems common to many readers. I happen to enjoy the columns. I read six of them daily
cjd
She needs to tell her shitbag husband to suck a fat one!
johncp56
Yes and slap the dumb out of him news break lady you married him what does that say about you
THAT Steve
There’s no way her nephew could honestly expect her to attend since he’s known his uncle his whole life. What she should do is spends a great big wad of that house money you know she’s squirreled away to buy her nephew something extravagant to affirm that she does love and support the guy despite her having to skip the wedding due to her husband. And teach her how to receive streaming video…
vickigardner
My mom’s husband (not my dad) refused to let her go to her niece’s gay wedding or bridal shower. I know she regrets not going and allowing him to dictate to her what she could or could not do. He was very controlling throughout their entire 26 years of marriage. So different from the 44 years of marriage to my dad.
Hank31
This is probably fake, but FWIW the best solution is for her to call the husband’s “safety” bluff and tell him that she will attend the wedding alone and that he can go to DC with her as her protector. While she is at the wedding, he can enjoy all of the attractions of the capital, and when the wedding is over, they can spend some time together.
Nephew’s wedding honored, tension defused.
Paris in Santiago
Slip sleep medication in his food & drink, and then smother him with a pillow when he’s asleep.
quantum
“D.C. is a dangerous place.”
Yeah, a year ago the Capital was stormed by folks who think like your husband.
MISTERJETT
intercourse him!!! go to the wedding and have a ball.
winemaker
This woman is an adult and doesn’t need ‘permission’ to go to her nephews same sex wedding despite threats from her husband that her life will be miserable if she goes. This is the 21st century. and the husband has the right to object due to non belief, that’s his right. this is still America where we can disagree without being disagreeable. She says she’s been married to the guy for 40 years and he has always had the last word. Doesn’t this woman have any pride or self esteem or free will? Am I missing something here or what? Really this woman needs to get rid of this slug or have a serious conversation ASAP.
This kind of reminds me of a cousin of mine who’s been married for 39 years Soon after the wedding she basically was made to forget her family and blow off her parents and aunt, uncles and cousins ( my parents, my brother and I ) by her husband who by the way is of another race and religion but her husband’s family were the only ones in their lives. What she did to my parents was unforgivable (blew them off and totally ignored them), never got an invitation for dinner or a visit or holiday get togethers despite living only 90 miles away despite all the nice things my folks did to her and my aunt and uncle over the years. But what she did to her parents, my aunt and uncle was tragic, never or rarely invited them to her place for get togethers, the holidays etc. but her in laws always were welcome.. Now her parents and my parents are long gone yet she still sends my brother an ‘update’ letter each Christmas on what they’ve been up to over the year, blah, blah, blah. Her letter is addressed to both my brother and I despite I haven’t lived in the family home since I moved to the Bay Area years ago. She never bothered calling my mother to get my address which I could care less about as she’s SHIT in my mind. BTW this holiday ‘letter is a computer printout that’s edited each year so it’s no real big deal. She has 3 kids, all married in their 30’s (my brother and I were never invited to the weddings, see a pattern here), a couple of grandkids and is pretty much ignored by them according to what I’ve heard. When she heard my mother was ill and dying, she had the gall to show up unannounced one day trying to act like everything’s hunky dory despite not having spoken top my mother in years. When I opened the front door and she spoke, said she “was in the neighborhood, had a couple of other things she needed to do and we were third on the list, Mother was very sick and my brother and i were waiting for the doctor and I said ” sorry to cut this short but we’re very busy, we’re waiting for the doctor, next time call ahead and I slammed the door in her face”.
Openminded
“this is still America where we can disagree without being disagreeable.”
Except while commenting on Queerty.
JRamonMc
It’s called abuse and he’s isolating her from her family for total control.
GrizzleyMichael
Divorce the bloody wanker
scotty
you could always poison him AND go to the wedding.
scotty
all im saying is a little visine in the coffee or dinner wine will give you exactly what you seek without killing anybody.