Advice columnist Harriet Cole found herself faced with an upsetting reader quandary this week. Reader “Wrong Team Player” has begun to suspect her husband of three years is secretly a gay man.
“I have been married to my husband for about three years now,” Wrong Team Player writes to The Mercury News. “We are still in our 20s. My husband has some questionable habits I have noticed now that we have begun living together. He’s saying things differently and acting differently. I feel like he’s letting his guard down, and I’m seeing the real him. I think the real him is gay.”
Wrong Team Player doesn’t go into many specifics when it comes to her suspicions. She says only “I never got that feeling before we got married, but everything just seems different now. I’m not sure what to do with this feeling. I’m convinced he wants to be with a man, but he is with me, and it makes me feel like I don’t want to be with him anymore.”
Naturally, the woman fears losing her husband, and the social embarrassment often associated with a spouse dissolving a marriage in favor of pursuing a same-sex relationship. Fortunately, Harriet has some sound advice.
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“Being suspicious of your husband without saying anything will not lead to a positive end,” Cole notes. “Especially, early in your marriage, it is important for you to be open with each other as you get to know each other better.”
“You haven’t said exactly what your husband is doing that is questionable,” Cole notes. “Whatever it is, make a list. Then look at it to determine whether you are being overly sensitive or your concerns are potentially justified.”
Then, Cole suggests the approach most likely to solve the problem.
“Talk to your husband,” she says. “Tell him that you have noticed that he is behaving differently, and it is making you uncomfortable. Point out whatever those actions are. Then ask him. Yes, you actually should ask him directly whether he is gay — if that remains your suspicion. If you ask without being confrontational, you have a better chance of getting an honest answer.”
“You can add that you love him and that you want him to be happy,” Cole concludes. “If it is in his soul to be with another man, it is important for him to figure that out now. You may need counseling to help you work through this.”
Sound advice, Ms. Cole. Even in a time of marriage equality, LGBTQ people still end up in heterosexual marriages. Removing the stigma, and offering open communication are the best ways to help queer folks trapped in unsatisfying marriages.
Cam
Haven’t we seen this exact same story written about here about 20 times?
Doctor Benway
I was gonna ask the same question.
(Gosh, if you want to leave your husband, do it but stop annoying us with you stupid life, please)
Heywood Jablowme
He just needs to stop excitedly shouting out the answers whenever “Jeopardy” has a Broadway or Musical Theater category.
Harriman
did he insist on decorating the tree by himself? are you amazed by the low coffee table floral arrangements?
Donston
This is one of the reasons why you shouldn’t marry young.
It’s easy to believe the worst. He could have some effeminate and “queer-ish” behaviors and mannerisms that he previously tried to shield. And he could be homosexual or homo-leaning. However, there are quite a few guys who come off “gay” but are hetero or at least have overall hetero preferences. While many people experience degrees of sexual, gender, mannerism fluidity. The romantic, sexual, emotional investment, commitment spectrum is wide and varied. And “manliness”, sexuality and the orientation spectrum will continue to be topics so many guys are insecure about. (Hell, even many “out” guys are insecure about this stuff). You have to remember all of this before you broach this topic with your husband.
Queerty has exhausted the hell out of this “I suspect my dude is into dudes” stuff.
Jake123
Yep he’s gay.
trsxyz
She needs to “use her words…”
Liquid Silver
Cut him with a razor blade. If his blood eats through any metal and dissolves the rug and floorboards, you’ve got a gay.
Josh447
That’s it. She married a gaylien. Who’d a thunk….
iminheatlikeacat
I know the website byline explicitly states its agenda, but:
“Removing the stigma, and offering open communication are the best ways to help queer folks trapped in unsatisfying marriages.”
Any word on helping the non gay folks trapped in unsatisfying marriages? You know, the ones that didn’t lie to a partner when exchanging their vows?
trsxyz
I’m sorry if this happened to you. But it’s not always about lying. Many of us didn’t know we were gay, and just ended-up doing with was expected of us. There’s always plenty of pain for everyone involved in these situations.
blackhook
He is definitely GAY!!! After all, he is acting ‘suspiciously’! LMFAO!!!
Donston
She does come off hella corny and ignorant. There are women (and some men) who want their partner to be ultra masculine and “hard” all the time. And it’s really exhausting and unfair. I understand having an intuition or feeling like there’s something missing. I understand wanting your partner to be honest about their dimensions, journey and where they fall in the orientation spectrum. I also get that a decent amount of males still use women for sociology, ego, babies and/or sex while preferring persistent passions, affirmation, romantic affections, emotional investment, commitment from their sex. But some of these women make it difficult to sympathize because they uplift toxic masculinity and because of their gay panic.
The answer to most of these people’s problems are almost always leave or initiate an honest, in-depth convo. So, article after article on this subject every week isn’t necessary.
BoylesqueBubble
Seriously? How many times is this exact story going to be written about on Queerty? Is it really that slow for the editors to come up with original content?
ShiningSex
Honey, if you suspect it, you’re probably right. Just talk to him. If he’s that deep in the closet, it’s time to move on.
djbear
I married in 1966 before I figured out my orientation and that only happened after I achieved my career goal (highest level) and my sons were into part-time jobs or University and did not need as much attention – then I could spend some time figuring out myself. I now see signs as a child or teen but I do not think my wife ever figured it out. When I did come out after 34 years of marriage she had had emotional problems that had caused her to become physically abusive so the marriage failed because of that. It seems to me this woman is either overly sensitive or unhappy and looking for support or a way out of the marriage and wants to blame it on her husband, There are groups for men who married and are bi or gay but most such men marry either to prove to themselves they are not gay or like me are unaware when they marry.
hansniemeijer
Questionable habits? What kind of? She makes me curious. AND should ask him if he really wants to be her husband. Being honest can be painful, but still better than living a lie. Calling yourself a Wrong Team Player sounds horrible, for her and for him.
Extec
Wow, that is a tough situation that calls for kindness, empathy and compassion. But it’s important not to make assumptions, either — one of the sluttiest straight men I know is way effeminate, and trust me, he gets laid by women more than in a month than most of us well get laid in a lifetime. 😉
Good luck to all.
Mehki
We *always* think, at some point, that our men gay. Lol!