It’s that time of year again where the days get darker and shorter; a chill fills the air, and off in the distance something wicked this way comes. Can you see it inching its way closer and closer? No, it’s not the inevitable full frontal version of Kim Kardashian’s gratuitously glazed doughnut-hole pic, or an invitation for dinner and “drinks” from Bill Cosby. It’s far worse. It’s the holiday season (insert blood curdling scream!) and it’s almost here.
Don’t let the twinkling lights and shinny decorations fool you. This time of year sucks balls for many people. If you’re anything like me, every holiday season you’re plucked from the safe, secure life you’ve created for yourself in the city and transported miles away, and what might as well be back in time, to suffer through some yuletide joy in your shitty little hometown.
But don’t you fear. Your trusted pal John is here with some helpful hints on how to survive the worst time of year: the holidays.
Now, for those of you grew up in Utopia and have childhood memories full of magical unicorns farting out rainbows, more power to you. But for those who venture home to the land that social change and civil liberties forgot, here are some tips are for you.
1. “Tell It Like It Is.”
Or in the words of inspirational speaker Iyanla Vanzant, “call a thing a thing.” One of the hardest parts about the holidays is going home to deal with family members who don’t watch the OWN network. Some might call them “simple minded,” but we all know that’s just the polite way of saying “racist.”
When a family member says something that you find offensive or ass backwards, don’t just keep quiet and hold it in. Holding negative thoughts in can cause cancer, or even worse gas. And nobody needs to be bloated around the holidays, especially with slutty New Years Eve just around the corner.
So, chug down that tenth eggnog for courage and warm up your index finger by waving it from left to right ‘cause you’re about to read a bitch. Sure, your 80-year-old bigoted uncle Ernie might not know you’re speaking to him when you refer to him heatedly as, “Girlfriend, Mary, or Miss Thing,” nor anyone else at the table have the slightest clue what you’re talking about when you start schooling them on the invaluable contributions of Alan Turing, or at the very least, Richard Simmons. However, the point is to make your forward thinking, educated opinions heard by all, so make sure you scream real loud. Meemaw needs a hearing aid.
2. “Let Them Eat Cake”
Because you sure as shit shouldn’t. A lot of people allow their bodies to be obliterated by the holidays and it has got to stop! Let’s be honest, you moved to the sinful city where you live in an apartment the size of a postage stamp because all of your money is spent on your gym membership. You literally worked your ass off to get ready for Hallo-queen and looked like an absolute whore as a scantily clad Trojan warrior or a skanky Senator Elizabeth Warren (by the way, you looked fierce!). Don’t let it all go to hell in a Marc by Marc Jacobs handbag. Stay strong and watch what you eat by sticking to a high protein/nothing else diet. I for one, survive the holidays consuming nothing but insults and air. Remember, they won’t let you back into Sodom and Gomorrah if you look like Fudgie the Whale.
Get back at all the bullies who beat the crap out of you and made your childhood the reason why your therapist can now afford a small island in the Caribbean. Most of them are probably seven kids deep and selling meth out of their mobile homes, so go ahead and use that brand new iPhone 6 Plus (you size queen) — the one you recently purchased instead of buying groceries for the entire month — and make that 911 call. Believe me, nothing says, “gotcha last” like a good ol’ fashioned drug bust.
Speaking of your aforementioned new found physique, here’s your chance to cash in on all your hard work and get back at every guy in your hometown who hurt your heart by screwing them all over. That’s right. Call your doctor in advance for that prescription of penicillin, ‘cause girl, you got work to do!
Find that closet case who broke it off with you for “religious reasons,” the same one who’s been engaged to his girlfriend for 100 years and now works for his father’s plumbing company. Remind him how he used to “lay down the pipe” with you. Don’t forget about that old English teacher with the flair for pastels who breeds competitive Bichon Frises and directed the school musical but didn’t cast you as Lumière in Beauty and the Beast because when you auditioned he didn’t “believe” your portrayal of a candlestick to be “honest.” Also set your sights on the football coach, all clergymen, and your friend’s fathers and wreak havoc . . . all over their bodies. Let them know that revenge is a dish best served with lube.
Now go forth my child, back to your homeland, with the holiday cheer I have bestowed upon you. And once you’re there, refuse to box up who you are in a perfectly gift-wrapped package to make others comfortable. Instead, “wreck the halls” and make them run you out of town with pitchforks and fire so you never again have to spend one more hellish holiday back in “[email protected] USA.”
Seasons Greetings y’all!
John Carroll is a Broadway performer, writer and activist. For more information on him, go to TheJohnCarroll.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @MrJohnCarroll