Earlier this year, I had an interesting conversation in Belgrade with a lovely Serbian man who told me about some of the difficulties he’s had on Grindr. In order to protect his identity, I’ll call him Luka, since that seemed to be the name of every other man I met in Belgrade.
Luka told me about the time he invited a guy over only to have his guest push his way inside and violently assault him and rob him as soon as Luka opened the front door. Then he told me about the men who sometimes invited him over to their places and quickly cancelled their sex dates as soon as they spotted him arriving from a window up above. Mostly, though, guys on Grindr just ignored him.
Then he made a move that completely turned around his Grindr experience. He put modesty aside and decided to advertise his “XXL” penis in his profile headline and in the profile itself and watched the invitations pour in.
I was initially turned off by the “XXL for XXL” in his headline when he first messaged me, but when I revealed that I might not live up to his “XXL” requirements and wasn’t looking to hook-up anyway and he still wanted to meet, I decided to give him a chance.
As he was walking me home after introducing me to two local gay bars, he revealed that he was seeing a young “bottom” with whom he had an open relationship. Although he was happy with his sort-of boyfriend, he wasn’t ready to give up all the attention and the men “XXL” was luring to his profile.
Although I was happy he was no longer getting assaulted or so flagrantly rejected, I was a little bit sad for Luka, too. He was such a nice guy, and he was reducing himself to his “XXL” as if that was his only value as a gay man. (To his credit, swayed by my argument against his demand for reciprocity in size, he shortened the “XXL for XXL” in his profile to, simply, “XXL.”
I’ve been there. As a gay black man who has spent most of the past 12 years living outside of the United States in countries where gay black men are few, I am regularly reduced to my size, which gay men (including some who are non-white and even a few black ones) generally assume is “XXL.” It happens both online and in person.
I became so accustomed to being asked “Is it true what they say about black men?” that I cheekily stole it for the title of my first book. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em–and make fun of ’em, too.
Lately, though, I’ve noticed that guys who approach me have become even more obsessive than ever about my endowment. I know it’s not only a race thing, as I have a number of white friends who have had the same experience all over the world; however, in my case, it’s frequently linked directly or indirectly to my race.
“I guess you must be big,” one guy recently wrote. Hmm… I wonder why.
The assumptions don’t always work in my favor. Although I didn’t answer the infamous question about black men in my book (there really is none, as we come in as many sizes as men of any other race) and I never have in real life, I’ve had guys approach me and then reject me because they were worried I’d be too big to fit inside them. (Yes, they assume I’m a “top,” too.)
I’ve also had guys who have vanished as soon as I admitted that I’m probably closer to “M” or “L” than “XL” or “XXL.” Will that be a problem? Apparently, yes. I guess it wasn’t my warm smile that attracted them to my profile. Fair enough.
So many gay men seem to be so preoccupied with size these days, though, that I wonder if they’ve always been like this, or if as Grindr and social media in general have given us permission to be more upfront about such things, they’ve become more important than they used to be. I had one guy who actually had a size chart as his profile photo to accompany the “XL for XL” in the headline.
Frankly, I’ve never measured my own penis, and after seeing that chart, I don’t think I ever will. I’ve gotten generally positive reviews, but who knows what goes on in the heads of the guys who don’t say anything? Are they thinking “Too big” or “Too small” or “Just right”?
Or maybe they’re judging me on a curve because black men are supposed to be bigger than white men. Sometimes I envy women. Straight men are equally obsessed with breast size, but women can audition fully clothed. Some gay men expect you to either send a c*ck pic online or drop trou offline before they deem you worthy of their time. That would make rejection for being too big or not big enough so much more humiliating.
Although I still cringe a little on the inside when Grindr boys introduce themselves by asking “BBC?” or declaring “BBC!”, I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer get upset about either. I just move on to the next message.
To be honest, I get it. Although I’m not a size queen myself, I do appreciate a certain amount of, ahem, volume. But it can’t belong to just anyone. It has to be attached to a guy who has a lot more to offer than just what’s between his legs.
I never did get to see what was between Luka’s legs–at least not that Luka. But I did see enough beautiful, voluminous penises in Belgrade (as I have pretty much everywhere else) to wonder why so many guys would be lured by just that one thing.
An XXL penis is relatively easy to find. But a XXL heart (and intelligence and humor to match) is rarer and infinitely more valuable. I’ll have that, please.
90+% of people on Grindr are looking for a hookup, not a meaningful relationship. So when it’s all about sex, yes, people are going to be explicit about what they’re looking for. And that’s 100% fine. As an owner of an XXL myself I completely understand being reduced down to your junk. But honestly, when it’s just sex, I’d rather that than be ignored. Use whatever God-given attributes you have to make you stand out from the rest of the pack.
Bro – excellent and accurate response, “Use whatever God-given attributes you have…” Everybody has “something” – each of us has a responsibility to use our particular gifts and talents.
As someone who doesn’t have that particular “God -given attribute”, I agree. Everyone has some special attribute, even if they don’t know it. Make it work for you.
This is yet another variation on this author’s previous article. We get it. I mean, please, man, mix it up! What other countries did you visit? Did you go to New Zealand? South Africa? Brazil? Moldova? I mean, come on.
I read down about half way and of coarse I immediately think of good ol insecure Jeremy and look back up and low and behold. Lol
Now that you mention it, yeah it seems like he’s been stuck in Serbia for a YEAR! Must be kind of boring by this point. Any of the next-door countries would be worth a look, at least. Although Serbians hate all the next-door countries.
That’s another thing — Jeremy is no kid, he’s 49 or maybe 50 by now, but he NEVER mentions the 1990s war in which Serbians caused tremendous misery to several next-door countries. (Yes, it was all Serbia’s fault, entirely.) Even his younger “dates” would have some memory of the war, and anyone close to his own age would probably have participated in some nasty stuff. Genocide is somewhat more important than the usual whining about Grindr which apparently is the same in every country.
A friend points out that maybe Jeremy is off the hook on this charge if he’s such a chicken hawk he only “dates” guys who were born after 1994 or so who wouldn’t have even a childhood memory of the war? Taking advantage of his exoticism as a black guy in Serbia, and only going after the twinks? Lol. Well I suppose that’s a possibility, although I don’t recall him saying these guys are always tremendously young. Maybe. That might explain a lot of other things, I guess.
Yes Jeremy. All those white men just want you for your BBC!! I mean what else could you possible offer. Conversation? Yikes!
95% of the content on this site promotes either promiscuity or effeminacy or both. This story is an example of both – men who refer to themselves as “queen” and men who pursue the genitals of strangers, as opposed to relationships with people. Why this cesspool of a website is so obsessed with normalizing two very harmful phenomena is beyond me.
If you are looking for a chance at a happy, healthy life as a gay or bisexual man, then carefully read about the “scene” in the above post and then stay as far away from it as possible.
Then why be here?
Hi Danny527, you disappeared for awhile! (Banned, most likely.)
If you were merely disgusted with promiscuity you MIGHT leave us guessing. But your added obsession with “effeminacy” gives you away. Only Danny527 has that double obsession!
Actually it’s Danny595. Good call though. Anyone she perceived outside her narrow viewpoint would be attacked. Just a rotten person to the core. She was obviously banned and for good reasons.
Also Danny595 has many more screen names also banned. She’s been at it for a long time here. I remember well because anytime you would type in her last names the comment would be rejected. Never in my life have I seen such a hateful troll.
Who KevinSD really is or whether his previous screen names are banned is totally irrelevant here. If you don’t agree with his viewpoint, that’s fine but he has every right to express his opinions as you and I. Using “she” to address a man in a derogatory manner is childish and misogynist. The truth is, people often complain about other people’s intolerance but they almost always fail to their own demons.
@Straight (well I certainly HOPE you’re straight):
But effeminacy is irrelevant here as well. Whatever else we think of this article, effeminacy is not mentioned in this article. It’s arguably pro-promiscuity but doesn’t even mention effeminacy in any way whatsoever. Why did Kevin/Danny/you throw effeminacy into the comments?
If I may, let’s look at this in terms of the gay movement. The whole point of our struggle was being gay or bi is just as legitimate as straight. There isn’t a moral choice here, but simply what is. It may be immoral to some that a blueberry is blue and red, but reality is it is blue, just as some people suggest I am immoral for being gay. I am not immoral, I am as G-d made me. Our fight is, in a larger context, to define ourselves, our sexuality, our personhood, and not to have society define who we are or should be.
The same is true for what, exactly we desire. I am not sexually attracted to all men, just some. I think Zac Efron is super attractive and very sexy, while I don’t have the same feeling about Danny Devito, though I think he is a better actor than Efron and someone I think would make a fascinating dinner date (he made a movie with Bett Midler, that alone should provide some interesting stories). In the same way I am sexually attracted to Zac Efron, some are going to be sexually attracted to large penises, or big pecs, or mustaches, or something else.
We are fighting for the right not just to be gay, but to have the right to self-determination, that must include the right to decide we each individually think is attractive. Personally, size doesn’t matter to me. One of the sexiest guys I ever had sex with was very small (his balls were like small marbles). I have also been with a guy with a huge dick that was so blah in bed I couldn’t get hard. To some size matters and they have that right. To me, other things matter and I have that right. To each his own, that is what we fight for.
“Is it wrong to be a total size queen?”
I wouldn’t necessarily call it “wrong” but it’s the choice I would make. Big ones are impressive to look at, but if I happen to be in the mood for bottoming, I’d much prefer one at the smaller end of the spectrum.
A few months ago I noticed more and more guys on Scruff changing their screen names to “XL.” Within the past month or so, I’ve noticed that many guys are now using “XXL” as their screen name — to differentiate themselves from the sea of XLs, I guess.
If XL means above average, and XXL means way above average, a lot of these guys are lying.
*not the choice I would make
Umm, it’s Grindr! Objectification and being reduced to body parts is expected. It’s in their terms of agreement.
I used to have a friend who was 10.5″ and almost as big around as a beer can. I had another friend who was 11″ and a little thinner.
Personally, I love to watch huge dicks on porn drill tight bottoms.
In real life, it’s not so nice. They both HURT.
My dick isn’t nearly as big, although I’ve topped a few times.
I’m usually a bottom and when my head is jammed down on a huge dick, I gag.
Fantasy is not the same as reality.
As I’ve aged, I have found out that I like more normal dick sizes, about 5-7″.
I realize there are size queens out there who only like 10″+, but in reality, I personally don’t.
Like what you like.
Yay! Yet ANOTHER article by Jeremy telling you that you have no right to your own preference, whatever it may be. Such an insufferable whiner!
This article is lame and tells us nothing about the question. Pointless.
I think this article is about racial stereotyping more than being a “size queen.”
Exactly. And barely that. It reads like a diary except much less interesting.
I used to bottom for this couple who both only topped in threesomes; the ‘top’ had a small penis, the ‘bottom’ had a 10″ (with porn star looks). The ‘top’ was amazing at sex so size isn’t everything. I’ve taken up to 11″ no problem, I’m a real good bottom but lately I’ve just been a top so I’m finally getting good at it with practice. Around here all the guys seem to want dad’s to top them.
This is an interesting question, is it ok to be a size queen… Well, yes of course it is… And just because it was bothering me: It looks like a few commenters are worried their “preferences” are being attacked again to which I respond: please consider growing up. You can like whatever you like as long as you’re not a dik about it.
So beyond that, the obsession of L, XL, XXL and so forth has to be porns fault a little. I mean huge diks look good but reality=/=fantasy. It’s the same deal when people call a fast food restaurant complaining their big mac does not look like the commercial… Media created an unrealistic expectation.
Personally I like pretty diks, and what I define as pretty is damn broad. Even weird ones are kinda cool. I remember a guy who had his urethra on the underside of the crown instead of the tip. It was just super unique and he was a lot of fun. As I am getting older size means less and less and less. Maybe this is because depite being “average” I’ve rearly been turned away for it. Im a bit thicker than most so he photographs well but this brings up the subect of language…
“You’re just right” is a phrase that I should get tattooed on my boy. It’s usually told to me through the misty post-sex haze you get after a good orgasm (I’ve never heard this before hand, lol). Before, I took it as a compliment or politeness at the very least but in this stage of my life I sometimes wonder. So I ask… You know I try now-a-days to make sure if we bone we keep talking, not always but I feel like if I can be inside you I owe you the respect of further conversation untill you don’t want it anymore, and I always find the second hookup is better than the first and generally determines if there will be a third and beyond but I digress. I ask:
“What’s that mean?” Always playfully or at least friendly. I mean I’ve been penetrating people for 17 years now I think its ok to discover the meaning behind a seemingly universal responce… It always leads to a fun conversation. Sometimes it’s about expectations versus reality and that reality isn’t that bad. Othertimes it’s a cooing dialoge between a couple of post orgasmic adults, either way this demonstrates two things: size is subjective and language is important in advertising.
I feel that if I wanted to I could advertise myself as L (which is honest given girth) or even XL (dishonest in reality but believable in pictures) despite being more or less average and in the end its all marketing. I’ve been told to my face after (a seemingly successful) start to pull out because I am just too big. Now I know I’m not, and I know based off of the continued 45 mins of foreplay and nonpenetrate sex that they where not trying to kick me out… But to them my normal dik is too much to somone else I am way below their standard. I can not imagine how it is for somone who based souly on the color of their skin to have a very above average expectation built in.
I am rambling now… But I like the conversation this article starts. Sorry if some words formatted weird and for length, I typed this on my phone and sometimes it decides to skip letters because reasons.
I’m definitely a size queen, but I don’t exclude guys based on size, even the ones with really little dicks. It’s the person who excites me, not the junk. Guys with beautiful faces are the best. If your face has that particular aesthetic (whatever that is), I’m going down there to get some more. I wanna taste it, eat it, rub it all over my face. And, if it’s big, especially if it’s fat, OMG, yeah, I want that.
This article sure did get an interesting conversation going. aye? Gays are just so much more fun and so full of fun and ingenuity; I enjoyed every post… o.codone, LOL… you’re my kinda guy! Lacuevaman, your clever remark is so endearing and funny that you will undoubtedly never be alone unless you choose to be. Thanks for sharing guys. I love that about you all ! ;
I suck the man not the dick
People are allowed to like whatever the hell they like. It’s that simple. Personally, I don’t get the appeal of big ones. Smaller ones are so much easier to handle.
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