oh jesus

No Gay Marriages at Ted Haggard’s New Church

The big news Ted Haggard had to call a press conference (at his house in Colorado Springs) to announce: It’s not that he and wife Gayle have come up with a zero-calorie donut, it’s that Ted is starting a new church called St. James Church. But we already knew this. Last month. And unless the free coffee served in his basement will be next to a glass bowl of crystal, we’re going to stop listening to Ted’s “big announcements” that we already received a premonition about from our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

And no, there won’t be any gay marriages at his new church! Because “I believe God’s ideal plan for marriage is the union between a man and a woman in a heterosexual monogamous relationship. So those are the types of marriages we will do in our church. Now, as for society working with that question, that’s a totally different subject.”

It goes without saying: Ted didn’t meet God’s ideal.