oh jesus

No Gay Marriages at Ted Haggard’s New Church

The big news Ted Haggard had to call a press conference (at his house in Colorado Springs) to announce: It’s not that he and wife Gayle have come up with a zero-calorie donut, it’s that Ted is starting a new church called St. James Church. But we already knew this. Last month. And unless the free coffee served in his basement will be next to a glass bowl of crystal, we’re going to stop listening to Ted’s “big announcements” that we already received a premonition about from our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

And no, there won’t be any gay marriages at his new church! Because “I believe God’s ideal plan for marriage is the union between a man and a woman in a heterosexual monogamous relationship. So those are the types of marriages we will do in our church. Now, as for society working with that question, that’s a totally different subject.”

It goes without saying: Ted didn’t meet God’s ideal.

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  • Black Pegasus

    How does this Hypocritical piece of Green Shit look himself in the mirror each morning?



    It seems the rightwing lunatics have never heard that old saying……..Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me………..This pig lived the exact life he spewed hatred towards for decades embracing and actively participating in all the “evils and debauchary” of the wicked Gay lifestyle he rallied against so many days at his puplit. I guess they actually do swallow the whole loda shit served on a plate about actually being able to become an “ex-Gay”………

  • jeffree

    Why did Haggard need a pricey PR agent for this yawner?
    I was thinking Ted might be going to ally him self with George Alan Rekers to create a reparative therapy treatment center!
    PR Fail:…

  • romeo

    He says it’s going to be open to everybody, gay, bi, straight, etc., but no gay weddings, not yet, anyway. Maybe he’s trying to finally come out incrementally.

  • Revco

    He’s a creepy, abject grifter who is trying to get his six-figure meal ticket back after getting caught with his hand in the poor box.

  • Lamar

    What about Solomon (named the wisest man ever to be born) who had many many MANY concubines? Christians are often silent on this when they oppose any changes to traditional marriage.

  • jeffree

    What happened with the “zero calorie donut” ? That could’ve been the REALLY interesting part of the story….

    Haggard now claims to be a “heterosexual with issues.” W/T/F ??
    He admits to being broken, “kind of” and will allow gays /lesbians/ addicts and short people into his new church. Aint that welcoming of him & the missus ?!

    Even some Christian blogger is naming his new ministry the “Second Church of the Hypocrite”.

    Don’t forget that his former megachurch New Life basically disowned him, and forced him into “counseling” which HE DROPPED OUT OF ! He’d agreed with them NOT to create his own (rival) church, and yet now he’s creating one. He should of moved away…..

    Last: keep in mind that Colorado Springs is home to a huge Air Force base and is/was home to Focus on the Family/ Family Research Counsel. Many military families know New Life church very well, & none of them will be attending the new church or dropping coins in the plate when its passed.

  • Luke

    While I do not know if God has called Ted Haggard to pastor again, I do know that through Jesus Christ, Ted Haggard is forgiven for his sins without reservation. That is what being a Christian means. All have fallen short of the standards of God, and Ted Haggard is just like all other people in that regard. If one claims to be Christian, they must obey Jesus and forgive people for their sins and shortcomings, no matter what it is. Moreover, if one claims to be a Christian, they must believe that all can be restored to forgiveness and fellowship with Jesus, even those committed adultery or used drugs. For Christians, forgiveness through Jesus is essential to living out our faith for God’s glory.

  • Otis Criblecoblis

    @Luke, that is a great parody post! God’s glory indeed!

    Could you also enlighten us about some of the bizarre stuff in the Bible? …like the strange & hateful desert bigot who wrote in Deuteronomy that a woman who comes to marriage but is not a virgin *must be stoned to death*. The Bible is full of goofy crap like that. As Penn & Teller so astutely point out, Christians can’t pick & choose – you have to take all the Bible or nothing.

    Ted Haggard is yet one more reason to walk away from Christianity, which is as weird as any religion…a long line of self-promoting, hypocritical bizarros from Billy Graham to Robert Schuller to Jerry Falwell to George Rekers…enough of these goofballs already!

    Wait! I take it back – it’s not fair to the rest of the self-promoting, hypocritical bizarros.

  • Andy

    The ideal number of churches is zero.


    @Andy: Yea, then tend to stir things up a bit…………….

  • randy

    You must never forget that he still lumps gays with drug addicts, prostitutes and all other ‘broken’ people and sinners. Sure, he has compassion for you, you strange little pervert, and perhaps with enough of God’s grace, you will be healed of your affliction and debachery. But don’t hold your breath on that one, because it ain’t coming easy, and in the meantime, please drop some bills in the bucket.

    So long as you are broken, you have to keep a’coming.

  • DavidMichael

    The smoking gun is; “God surpasseth all understanding”. This is true. Therefore. For anyone to say “God has a plan” is at worst — delusional, and at best — ill informed.

  • Wry Bred

    @Luke: Your implication being…?

    1. Haggard’s sin was/is being a money-grubbing hypocrite.
    2. Haggard’s sin was/is being gay (or a “heterosexual with issues”…and I ditto the WTF).
    3. Haggard’s sin was/is being vain enough to claim intimate, irrefutable knowledge of “God’s ideal plan for marriage.”

    Me? I’d pick 1 and 3. I have a feeling you’d pick 2.

  • Taylor Siluwé

    Haggard’s “Church” will do well. He’ll get his lucrative lifestyle back, make my words.

    Because, sadly, there is an enormous flock of simple-minded, desperate to led believers in the wildly erratic, self-serving and hypocritical concept of total redemption through Jesus. Through that rose colored prism, Ted is an icon for the sinful with his God given “un-natural” desire for other men.

    His church pews will quickly fill with parishioners with truck loads of secrets, eager for redemption — because if Ted Haggard can come back to Jesus after being caught being Pastor Gay-Meth-Whore, then anyone can. Right?

    Gotta luv Christianity. ;-)

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